The past

doesn’t define us
but helps us better
understand the present
and future
so, people
said or did a lot
of shit they shouldn’t
have been doing
(who hasn’t?)
they shouldn’t be hung
for it but at the same
time, they need to be
accountable and should
have taken into
consideration
hey, this might bite
me in the ass someday
and make me lose things
I’ve worked hard for

that’s why your mother
told you to
“think before you speak”

“I’m…”
“But I was…”
“I wasn’t…”
the world is done
with your excuses
look at everything
going on in the world
nobody gives a fuck
about ‘oh, poor you’
especially when you’re
an adult and have all
this money
while a lot of us
are actually struggling

It’s time to wake up
nobody cares to listen
to your narcissistic bullshit
so go back to flaunting
what you have
crying online
and posting pictures
see how many people
click ‘mute‘
(you won’t know)
or unfollow your ass

‘Pick a topic’

What? I feel like I’ve written everything and now you expect me to focus on one thing. Haha. Yeah right.

What is going on now? Nothing. What about politics and protests? Do I look like a protester myself? I’m not. God damn. Do you really need another person to tell you how fucked up everything is? You don’t.

My old friend said I’m boring now because I have a kid. Yeah, I am. I also can’t help there’s nothing to do. Some people only find you interesting when you’re fucking around. Why? That’s when you have stories.

Oh, I can write what’s going on in my mind. I don’t even think it’s my business what I’m thinking. It’s a recipe for disaster. I’m sure you’ve seen some of my writing, you really wanna know what else goes on in my head? Haha.

Thoughts about the latest beauty community drama

Tati called out James Charles on social media for some stuff. Jeffree Star went on Twitter and blasted some tweets and deleted them. Tati feels the need to explain why she did it. James Charles responds with receipts. Jeffree Star says something about coming forward with receipts on Snapchat and instead just talks about his side of knowing rumors and saying some things he shouldn’t have.

Fans are still being like end so and so on all their ends. I feel like the majority of people like me though are like, well y’all should have been able to handle this like adults behind closed doors. And a lot of people say and do shit online. It doesn’t make them a bad person. I’m sure we all have at one point. We live in a world people are quick to jump the gun. Also a sickening world we’re dozens of YouTubers and gossip platforms are using this as another story to exploit and profit of it. Can’t tell you how many recommendations I’ve seen and how many stories online and the news about it. Then I’m like, I’m glad we live in a world that drama like this matters more than the real issues in the world.

I’m indifferent towards James, I have been since I came across his channel. Probably because I’m 29 years old and he’s going on 20. I connect more with Tati and Jeffree. BUT I would like him to grow into a better influencer and I’m sure he will in time. I’m not wishing his downfall. As for Tati and Jeffree, I hope they heal over this. And I don’t know, maybe one day get back to being friends with James in the future. They all need to keep in mind they’re big influencers. What they say and do does leave an impression on their younger audience.

And no, I am not getting paid to write this… 😂🤣 #justsomeonesickofseeingandhearingthedrama

“Smile”

the strange man
following me around
at work today said
like him saying that
was going to get
a reaction from me
it didn’t
I went about my business
thinking it was rude
and obnoxious for him
to even say that
and wonder why
people still say that

Give me a reason too
say something funny
or don’t be an asshole
hell find me when I’m not
a work pretending not to feel
like garbage and having to
deal with everyone’s shit
with zero clue what the hell
is going on with me and my life

It’s insignificant and unimportant
we all have problems
the least we can do is not
invade the other person’s space
and say something stupid
to piss them off
but the truth is, not everyone can
and are publicly awkward individuals
with no perception of the world
or the people around them
in society
then there’s ones like me
that know and have no choice
but to deal with these people
and they wonder why
we aren’t rays of sunshine

What you do for…?

Fun

Punch shit and Netflix. 

 

Work

Pretend to look extremely busy cleaning.

 

Holiday

Not a damn thing usually.

 

Family

Nothing on count of my mother is dead and we all live in different zip codes. 

 

Yourself 

Feed my caffeine addiction.

 

World 

Not give them more fucked up offspring.

 

Universe 

Acknowledge the stars and moon. 

 

Society 

Nothing but write the problems with it. 

 

Love

Lie, cheat, run, and don’t find it worth fighting for.

Yeah, I know (OF) him

I heard his name
I never spoke his name
I saw his face yet never thought anything of it
Couple years go by, I hear it again
He’s a former drug dealer and addict
that is friends with the former class clown
They never made it out of this town

I friended people
and dated guys that are not from
this place
they were from another country
or town miles away

I ask myself why…

The person for me isn’t a junkie
pervert, liar, scrub, or psychopath
that believes I’d date him because
I said, “Hi.”

The person for me is someone that
does something and doesn’t constantly
accuse me of doing something I am not doing
especially on social media which the people
from my town like to do

I ask myself why people here are like that
I remind myself it’s because they have
nothing better to do
I ask myself if I belong here
I say no
I never have and never will
I’ve been disconnected with this place
my entire life

Racist names

White soap

White bread

White cake

White sauce

White cheese

 

Black Friday

Black eye

Black list

 

Chinese bread

American bread

Italian bread

French bread

African bread

Russian bread

 

…etc.

 

(I feel sorry for you bread, nobody understands you. Everyone wants to label you.)

 

 

 

For Real

I didn’t want to be a writer or artist…

 

I was taught…

Writers are losers.

Artists are nutcases.

 

In primary/secondary school…

It was not cool to be one of them.

 

 

Dare I read something on the bus or at the library I had… “Nerd,” on my forehead.

Dare I write a story about devils or my crushes name in my notebook, I was a “Freak.”

And then some million other things. Jist of it was — be athletic. You’ll fit right in or maybe they will be scared of you and leave you alone.

So I did that. I joined a team and took up hardcore fitness. Then all of a sudden my new names were, “Weirdo, Freak, Nerd, Pathetic, Fat, Skinny, Anorexic, Bulimic, Ugly, Disgusting, Lame, Loser, and Stupid.”

 

There goes my real dreams of being a Musician or Dancer.

Not to mention, I couldn’t exactly sing or play an instrument. I could dance though. I didn’t attend dance classes as a child. My mother couldn’t afford it. My loser father would always take her paycheck and gamble it all away in a heartbeat.

 

So what about the Writer and Artist?

Everyone now just thinks it’s a dream and I enjoy doing this because that is pretty much all I am doing. But lets be honest, I am doing this because this is now all I an do. Sure I can dance but I live in a small town in the middle of no where. I have zero connections and money to go try to pursue a career in it. I can, however, if I am lucky — teach at a local gym somewhere.

It’s not like I can add, multiple, subtract, and divide numbers — without a calculator. I was never good at Math. In fact, I did Math backwards since Elementary school — I had a teacher that specialized in that help me.

 

For Real…

My dream is, I don’t have a dream. I just want to be happy… isn’t that everyone, normal person wants?  To be happy, love, and get love in return.

 

So why is it so difficult?

Not everyone sees and feels… they think they do.

 

Facebook and Twitter Etiquette For Dummies

Facebook

 

Who to add…

People you actually know or met. There’s no problem adding ‘fans’ or ‘strangers’ if you know they aren’t some psychopath, criminal, or pervert — and you actually talked to them somewhere.

 

Try not to add…

Colleagues, professors, bosses, or co-workers. It is weird for them, and it is weird for you. If you do, do both of you a favor and don’t complain about work, life, or relationships. You have to be ‘professional’.

 

Avoid comments turning into a…

Private message or forum. Then everyone gets to know your business, thoughts, and feelings. That’s not something you want…

 

Status overload…

Selfies, rants, videos, or articles. Although some people like it, not everyone is going to. And yeah, yeah… there’s that whole ‘I don’t care if they like it or not’ — and right you shouldn’t!

…You’re entitled to your thoughts, feelings, and what you put out there. You don’t need to constantly share it with people who may be shallow or just not care.

 

 

Twitter

 

Follow…

Whoever you want.

 

Post…

Whatever you want. But if you’re posting twenty tweets every hour maybe you need to rethink…

 

Don’t post…

Whatever you want. You know you’re reaching more people then Facebook, right? If you start hate talking people, spreading conspiracies, and terror — the government will find you.

 

Telling people to follow you…

They will follow you. It’s okay, it’s fine for business — a lot of people have done it. However, there’s people that become OBSESSED with how many followers they get. It becomes a drug. It can turn a good person into a narcissistic, just like Facebook.

 

 

Facebook and Twitter…

 

This is just words from a persons experience. Everyone is different.

…How obsessed are you with getting likes, comments, tweets, and re-tweets?

What. Why.
Who cares? You shouldn’t care.
They don’t really care.
You know who cares…

College ? Experience ?

Preparing myself for my last semester I am still thinking: Was it worth it? Is it worth it? I’m still unemployed, I’m still miserable, I’m still broke, I’m still the loser I was when I came here, and I still have no life. And those things are still entirely my fault.

 

I am going to be 1,000% honest to you…

Out of high school I barely made it through community college. I was beyond lazy. My laziness turned into academic prohibition. I got kicked out. When I finally came back, I took it seriously. Probably because my method of doing schoolwork was homeschooling myself. Yes, I took all my classes online. It wasn’t easy but I figured it out. Lots of research, advising, and supervising myself because that is all I had. Probably something else I should mention, I wasn’t planning on taking classes online. I had some weird morphed fantasy that this guy I was dating at the time was serious about me moving in with him. It was long distance. So yes, I made sure to apply to a school two hours away — then get dumped a month or so after.

 

It was difficult but I did fine, I mean I got on the Deans list three times. For pretty much having no life. Then I go to a four-year school to get my Bachelors…

 

My Associates of Arts Degree is useless. It was just a sheet of paper that got me to the next place where I would spend a fortunate. I suppose a few good things happened. I did some awesome things and met some people. But was it enough for the cost? Of course not. I spend day by day now thinking how am I supposed to pay this off, how am I supposed to get a job? I’m not marketable or employable. The last many times I put what I was doing or did on my resume nowadays isn’t helping. Like an oh….

You go to school for writing, can I see your work? Do you write short stories? Do you write poems? …What about your catering job? Did you do weddings? ….Fajita Grill. What is a Fajita Grill? That sounds good. I should get me some Fajita Grill.

 

What the fuck? Okay now, I just don’t see the point. I’m probably better off erasing my resume and starting over. Can I create a new name or a business of my own? It would probably be better.

 

Exactly. Maybe that is the point I am not getting. I should do my own business. But how? That’s funny. I can’t do math, have experience, or know anything. But whatever, it’s not about me anymore. It is about creating a life but how….

 

One shit, two shit, three shit…

Four shit. Think.

Don’t think.

It’s not about you.

It’s about them.

Who is ‘them’?

If anyone has to tell you, you are insane.

…More ramblings from an idiot in second person.