Potential employers don’t tell you

I’m not hiring you because…

You’re a woman
You can’t lift over 20lbs, do a mans job, and I don’t want the men to be distracted.

You’re pregnant
That means you may use that as an excuse to do less. You’re going out on maternity leave and I’m going to have to find someone to do your job anyway.

You have a baby
If you can’t find daycare or a sitter, how are you going to work for me? My schedule comes first, I can’t work with you. I’ll hire someone else that doesn’t have your issue.

I don’t like you
I’ll say you the position is taken or you don’t have the qualifications or experience necessary to try to let you down easy.

 
You don’t have the experience but you can apply anyway
It doesn’t mean I’ll hire you. I’m required by the union to interview so many people.

We don’t discriminate/we’re equal opportunity employers
We just don’t tell you we’re less likely to hire you because you’re white/black/Asian. We act like we care and try to give everyone the opportunity because we could get in trouble.

Job interview questions

“Why do you want to work for us?”
The money tree still isn’t growing.

“Why did you leave your last job?”
Old people harassing me. Okay… It was really a temporary job which meant ‘dump you whenever, bitch’.

“What did you learn in college that will help you with this job?”
When I’m pissed off, I’ll write about it and post it on the internet. Don’t worry, I won’t provide your name until I get published.

“Can you do a background check and drug test?”
I can but it’s a waste of time. You should ask me to do a pregnancy or STD test.

“What other qualifications do you have for this position?”
None. I was hoping you were dumb enough to hire me.

“What are your salary requirements?”
MONEY.

“When are you available to start?”
After I take a piss.