Twin flame

His sun was my moon
my moon was opposite of his
his blue eyes stared
in the pits of my green
he could do push-ups on me
I could knee him in the nuts

He snorted coked
I was high a couple times
He drank at work
I kept my mouth shut
he was also my supervisor

He called me ‘hippie girl’
said he loved me and wanted
to run away with me
I never said those words
I thought he wasn’t serious
then he got arrested
quit and ran from the cops
without me

My life went on
without him
I had a baby in July 2019
a year after we were
high and drunk at a party
and he said he was
falling in love with me

No, it’s not his
No, I didn’t name
my daughter after him
but time to time I think
how could someone be
insane like him?

Third trimester myths

You’re going to gain 5-10 pounds a week, I did.

I stopped gaining weight actually like 3 weeks ago and lost a bit — probably fluid, my doctor isn’t concerned.

They say at this point the only thing ‘gaining’ is the baby and you might actually lose some.

 

Your hands/feet are going to swell really bad.

Had I had any swelling, maybe. Not enough for me to notice or to stop me in my tracks during the day. Does it mean other people make it up? Absolutely not. Everyone and every pregnancy is different.

 

You probably won’t notice if you lose your mucus plug or you’ll lose it the hospital when you give birth.

Not true. I lost my plug yesterday at the gym before my workout! I’m 37 weeks.

You should start feeling more contractions after you lose your mucus plug.

Maybe for some. I have the same old Braxton Hicks. It just means now they can come and will whenever they want too.

 

You’re going to be super tired.

Still doing what I normally do. The only thing is, don’t talk to me when HOT and HUNGRY. I’m moody as fuck.

 

The baby’s movement is going to stop.

No. Maybe less because they’re cramped. At every appointment they still ask me if she’s moving!

Because I’m pregnant

I don’t get special treatment
no one holds the door open for me
people increasingly like to cut me off when I’m walking

People at work
still expect me to do everything
like I have been
I still got frowned upon my
nosey coworker when I take a break
though she takes multiple

People I’m associated with
through marriage more so expect me
to worship the ground they walk on
and kiss their ass
and talk shit about me when I’m
on the other corner of the room
or behind my back

Strangers say ‘congratulations’
as a way to greet me

People at the gym need to comment
on how impressed they are
I workout or point at my stomach
like they’re 4 years old and they
haven’t seen a pregnant chick before

Acquittances need to greet me
with how big I’m getting
like I don’t have eyes and an mirror

My husband is still my husband
and will fight with me regardless
I don’t have ESP

There’s not a day I’m not either
invisible, in the center of the floor, or someone’s target

And some of them want to see
pictures or the baby
and I’m thinking, you know
pregnancy hasn’t affected my memory
or ability to put
one and two together
y’all treat me
like shit or talk shit about me behind my back
and you think for a second or two
you try to kiss my ass,
it’ll change anything?
I might be blonde but
I’m not a fucking idiot

All this time I have kept to myself
kept my I don’t give a fuck persona
and dealt with you crazy people
treat others how
you want to be treated
they say
if you were pregnant,
would you want to deal with this?
No
I’m glad (not really) I’m bringing a child in this world
full of hypocrites but
she’ll know the truth

Life at 26 weeks

‘How are you?’ I’m fine. I wish people would stop asking me that. It seems to be the greeting these days. I don’t know why they ask, it’s not like I’m going to tell you if I was doing terrible.

My girl is moving a bit more and seems to respond to me touching her and some sounds I play on the music box. She woke me up at 4am Sunday moving all over place. I think it’s because I was a bit hungry. She’s also active around times I eat like she knows food is coming.

The movements don’t bother me. They feel weird when I touch them or see a tiny bump stick up in my stomach. It bothers me when she wants to fuck with my bladder. Especially when I’m working, all I can feel is this pressure then I have to piss.

My back and ribs hurt sometime at work or when I’m driving. Mainly because the seat I sit in sucks and there’s not much I can do besides walk around and suck it up.

I don’t like how I look or how I feel in this body. I know I’m building a life and bla bla bla. I’m just not comfortable in the skin I’m currently in and it’s not my own. It’s exhausting to think day by day what I can, cannot or shouldn’t do. Before I didn’t have too. Now I have to think of the bigger stuff and deal with other changes in life.

Have to think of money. I don’t get paid maternity leave. I’d work as long as possible I have no other choice. Student loans are going up. Gas and everything else is going to cost more because I live farther away from shit now. I can get paid family leave but that only pays 55% what I make now. And I am currently living out of a bag in my husbands parents house. Our apartment isn’t finished and they hardly even started. My current relationship with my husband is another story. I think he constantly tells me he loves me because he knows I’m not happy and feels some sort of guilt. I sometimes wonder if I’d be better off by myself. Hey, my mother basically did it.

Worst sex experiences

I feel like I’ve talked about this in bits and pieces but haven’t covered it completely. And the fact I have no other ideas this was inspired by a podcast I listened and forgot about.

 

You’re a virgin, he’s a virgin
You don’t know what the fuck you’re supposed to do besides penis meets vagina.

So okay, yeah I just laid there and thought, ‘Is this going to hurt? Why doesn’t it hurt? Why is he so hairy? Do all guys have that much hair on their body?’ I wasn’t into it. It was something I wanted to get off my bucket list. I showed no emotion and he kept apologizing because he thought he was doing something wrong. After I was thinking, ‘Okay, may be better with someone else!’ My poor then boyfriend.

 

Period sex
I don’t care what you say, if you have a vagina you most likely tried it at least once! I’ll save all the bloody details and focus on the worst one.

In the shower. It should work right? You don’t bleed in water. Well, it doesn’t work if the guy is 2 feet taller than you and you try to go at it! Then you have to turn the water off to avoid slipping or breaking your neck. That didn’t work either. Then came the bed. I said ‘put a towel down’ he still got coated in shit and it bothered him and our attempts were over. Not all guys can handle it.

 

Drunk anal sex

Let’s just say I was highly intoxicated one night and agreed to try anal with my then boyfriend. I don’t remember how the hell the conversation went about. I just know the second he tried to force it in it hurt like a motherfucker and I screamed! That did not happen… or I think it didn’t anyway.

 

Slapping, choking, “suck my dick”
If you’re into bondage it’s one thing. But another thing if the person you’re sleeping with is not!

I find it to be a huge turnoff when a guy comes on to me sexually aggressive. I don’t like to be hit or choked any time, why would sex be different? It shouldn’t be. I don’t want to be a hypocrite, I did like it with someone else. So the problem was with whom and how hard he did it. And then demanding I suck his dick and chase me around shoving it in my face when I denied him up until I left!

 

Threesome
Some people like it, those that usually consent and plan for it!

I did not. I joked about it and found myself in an interesting fucked up situation. I’ve talked about it here numerous times before. Long story short, I wasn’t into vagina but my then whatever insisted I was to live out one of his fantasies. It was awkward as hell. I played along because I didn’t want to walk 2 hours home. No vagina did not taste good nor was anything I’d ever want to go near again. I didn’t enjoy being told to watch him fuck someone else. I threw a condom at him and told him to go fuck himself. Then he stopped with her and came after me. Forced me down to do it though I was clearly done.

 

One night stand with Small
I call him Small because he had a small penis he didn’t know how to use. Hell, my pinky was bigger and could have given me more pleasure. The day after he invited me over to his parents house for dinner… I met his mom on the second date! We hung out in the living room the entire time. There wasn’t a third…

 

Blowup doll face
There once was a guy I hooked up in random places a few times. One time was the woods. He laid on some wood chips and told me to ride him. My knees burnt and I was a dumbass that kept doing it. He had his mouth wide open the entire time…

My life at 18 weeks

I’m not quite there yet and I’m already starting to look big. It makes me wondering if it’s going to be a big baby or I’m gonna have a fun time trying to get back where I was.

But some people that didn’t know are starting to find out because they expect me to lift heavy shit and ‘I’m like I’m pregnant I can’t’. It’s still not obvious to people I don’t talk too because I always wear a hoodie! It’s winter, do you blame me?

I thought I had my energy back in full force until I wake up with massive cramps towards my pelvis and abominable area.

I’m not having any cravings. The same smells and food disgust me.

Sometimes I get tired when I’m working out or at work. I can’t go get a shot of expresso either.

People that do know still ask me how I’m feeling or when I’m going to know what it is. Again, my appointment isn’t until March 11. My doctor is busy performing surgeries this week, I can’t get in!

When is the reveal? When is the baby shower? The reveal isn’t until we have the same day off! We work different times. The shower isn’t being planned until we know what is and move. All will be soon. Stop asking questions.

“I still love you”

he said
my feelings for you
haven’t changed
I’m getting
brain surgery in 90 days
I’m here
I always been here
you got me
I want you
all of you
I know you’re pregnant
I’m happy for you
I’ll be here
I want you
I always wanted you
I love you

“My focus is on the future
right now”
I say
he continues to tell me
how he loves me

I let him blow up my phone
I don’t tell him the obvious

I’m probably not going to
see you again
if I do it’d be in the
distant future
and I’m still married
I have my first kid
on the way
I don’t think nearly
as much about you
I don’t have
the emotions you have
anymore
I’m thinking what
I’m going to do
and I’m too
nauseous and tired
to do anything with anyone
especially you
maybe, I have changed
and you’re the same

Working out pregnant

People look at you
a lot more
like you’re getting fat
but you have a life
growing inside of you
you’re slower
you can’t do
what you used too
without feeling like
you’re going to throw up
or pull something
jump squats
50 burpees
50 sit ups
are not happening
you realize most of those
Instagram pictures
of pregnant women
lifting or running were staged

Early first semester

Congestion
I thought I was getting sick
but obviously not if that’s
the only issue I had for a few weeks
now comes the bloating
and sore boobs
heavens forbid I sit still
for a minute I feel like I’m going to burst
and it looks like I’ve gained weight
actually I haven’t
there’s way too much going on
in there I apparently didn’t know about
but can certainly feel at night
or when I have to do a
million jump squats
time to make a doctors appointment
to state what I already know
meantime enjoy wanting to fall
asleep at 7pm but the fact I can’t
because I’m still at work
and going home to put a heating pad
on my boobs
and I’m like, why the hell do people
want to do this?
this was an accident

I’ve heard

stuff about you too
he said
you’re annoying
you bomb your sister’s
phone with messages
typical blah blah
sibling stuff
nothing I care about

The guys lookat your ass
when you walk away
they say nothing around me
they know I’ll punch their face
before they made comments
about going down on you
and I thought I have but
couldn’t tell