She is

that woman
once, twice
a million times
but not for you

Secretive
manipulative
has her own schedule
and way of doing things
none include you
but she lets you think
what you want
she’s aware she flirts
and teases him
she does it for fun

Why fight the enemy
when the enemy wants
to sleep with you
and has information
you may or may not use
it’s only a matter of time
before he blows shit
up himself and you watch

She doesn’t care
enough to bother
I mean, she has a man
does it stop her from
looking and thinking
about others? No,
it’s in her nature not
to be tied down
who she does actually
play with she has to like
at least a bit
and have
physical attraction
respect

What you mean respect?
she sounds like a whore
they say
she’s not but she can be
don’t shove her in a corner
and bore the shit
out of her

She loyal?
depends
what did you do?
why should she be?
She knows what she
wants this ain’t it

She loves
she’s not in love
she has no intent
in ever falling
in love again
she’s fast
she can’t fall

Drunk comments

“I want to suck your pie
— I mean dick”

“Why don’t you bite me?”

“Why won’t you bite me?”

“I write 10,000 words a week. I don’t have time for another boyfriend.”

“I don’t want to get pregnant again I just want sex.”

“The ground is moving.”

“I took my shirt off because I feel like it.”

“I need new boobs.”

“Why don’t you choke me?”

“I like it rough.” *laughs and almost falls on ass*

What actually happened in labor and delivery

I called the hospital when I was at work because I kept leaking fluid. They told me to come in because it sounded like my water ruptured. I went in and got checked. I was dilated at a centimeter and half. Not even close to having full blown contractions. But they baby HAD to come out, nothing was keeping her safe inside me anymore. So they gave me some drug to speed up the process. Not even at 4 centimeters, I was crying and screaming in pain. Like full on. Worse than you’d see on any television shows. They couldn’t get me an epidural yet. When the epidural finally came, it took some people to get me to sit still.

Then my contractions didn’t hurt that much. So much to the point when I had to push, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I haven’t had a kid before. Some time in they discovered my pushing wasn’t effective because the epidural worked too well. Then they lessened it and all hell broke loose. Then came the crazy crying screaming lady — again. This time I was saying ‘lord Jesus Christ’ and ‘leave me the fuck alone’ at a catholic hospital! I’m lucky they didn’t kick me out in the street! The nurse kept making me move in weird positions and put a ball between my legs. At one point I was pulling a rope with my legs wide open.

2 hours and 17 minutes later at 7:59AM… she came. I was in labor all night. I went from having one nurse in the room to being surrounded by a bunch of people. I remember the doctor pulling her out by the head. She said ‘it’s a girl’. She was purple and had a cone shaped head. They brought her over to some bed thing to check her. She was crying the entire. The doctor said I needed four stitches. At that point I didn’t care. I was watching her and the doctors. Then they told me to push out the placenta. That was fast and painless. But I wondered why they waited to stitch me up first? It was sent over for cultures because I had a fever and tested positive for GBS at my 35 week appointment.

 
After…

You thought that was brutal? Nope the fun began after she was born. She had jaundice and we had to go to the doctor the day after went home then every week until it was near away. She was only born two weeks early and considered full term but apparently it was a huge ordeal where her body wasn’t mature enough to process her food. And then all the crying… and fights that broke out between her father and I.

I tried to breastfeed and pump. I had no production issues. I had engorgement issues — I had to pump every 2-3 hours. It became too much for me. I had digestive issues from something and so did she. Instead of playing Russian roulette to figure out what the hell it was, I stopped. I can tell you, I don’t miss constantly leaking everywhere or having enormous size tits that hurt and don’t fit in my bras!

My body, though. I lost 20+ lbs the first week after I gave birth. I only have stretch marks. It’s true you do bleed for a while after you give birth. I bled for about 7 weeks. I wasn’t back working out like I was before I was pregnant until 4 weeks postpartum. Probably only once in my life I listened to a doctors advice. He told me because my pelvis was so opened, I was more prone to infection and injury and shouldn’t go run a marathon or do anything crazy. When I did go back, I can tell you I could hardly do a sit-up. I didn’t realize how much pregnancy took from my back until I tried to lift my body up. And running? Haha. My boobs wouldn’t allow it. They hurt. Not period hurt. Hurt like someone was trying to pull them from my body. So I had to ease back in. In a few weeks I was back to myself… before.

And my doctor said I would start my period in a few weeks after my appointment last month. Here it is over a month later and nothing. I know some people it can take longer but help me god, I better not be pregnant again.

Married life is like

Man: I should get another girlfriend.
Woman: Do it. It will make divorce a lot easier.

She’s serious.

Man: Let’s do it.
Woman: Do what? That? I’m good. It’s not that great.

Man: It’s your fault it’s not great.
Woman: Yeah because I enjoy a big sweaty man on top of me crushing me.

Man: I’m tired. I’m going to bed early.
Woman: No you’re not. You’re going to play on your phone in the room for two hours. You don’t want to deal with the baby.

Man: I wished I stayed at work.
Woman: Me too.

Man: Don’t spend money, work with what you got.
Woman: …

She thinks yeah, right. I’ll go spend it and not tell you amongst other things.

Man: You’re paying child support.
Woman: Haha. You think the court would give you full custody? You’d have to find daycare and you can hardly handle her over an hour.

Man: You only want help from your family.
Woman: I don’t see my family, they live an hour away. And right, if I was divorced that’s where’d I go.

No offense. She doesn’t like your family but tolerated it. She never ‘seeked help’ from anyone she’s done it on her own — your family would be the last people she’d go too.

How to lose a man quickly

Tell him you have a boyfriend or you’re married
While that may or may not be true, he’ll feel like he lost and give up.

Tell him you’re gay or bisexual
He’ll expect it’s not him you want.

Go workout, get soaked in sweat and forget to shower afterwards
Having to smell your natural odors will definitely turn him off.

Get drunk and text him something stupid
He’ll question your intelligence.

Have sex with the person he hates
How could you? It’s worse than cheating though you’re not in a relationship.

Display interest in someone else
Competition? Nah.

Be obnoxious and rude as hell
When in doubt be the worst possible version of yourself. If that doesn’t work, he obviously is a robot or alien.

Third trimester myths

You’re going to gain 5-10 pounds a week, I did.

I stopped gaining weight actually like 3 weeks ago and lost a bit — probably fluid, my doctor isn’t concerned.

They say at this point the only thing ‘gaining’ is the baby and you might actually lose some.

 

Your hands/feet are going to swell really bad.

Had I had any swelling, maybe. Not enough for me to notice or to stop me in my tracks during the day. Does it mean other people make it up? Absolutely not. Everyone and every pregnancy is different.

 

You probably won’t notice if you lose your mucus plug or you’ll lose it the hospital when you give birth.

Not true. I lost my plug yesterday at the gym before my workout! I’m 37 weeks.

You should start feeling more contractions after you lose your mucus plug.

Maybe for some. I have the same old Braxton Hicks. It just means now they can come and will whenever they want too.

 

You’re going to be super tired.

Still doing what I normally do. The only thing is, don’t talk to me when HOT and HUNGRY. I’m moody as fuck.

 

The baby’s movement is going to stop.

No. Maybe less because they’re cramped. At every appointment they still ask me if she’s moving!

Because I’m pregnant

I don’t get special treatment
no one holds the door open for me
people increasingly like to cut me off when I’m walking

People at work
still expect me to do everything
like I have been
I still got frowned upon my
nosey coworker when I take a break
though she takes multiple

People I’m associated with
through marriage more so expect me
to worship the ground they walk on
and kiss their ass
and talk shit about me when I’m
on the other corner of the room
or behind my back

Strangers say ‘congratulations’
as a way to greet me

People at the gym need to comment
on how impressed they are
I workout or point at my stomach
like they’re 4 years old and they
haven’t seen a pregnant chick before

Acquittances need to greet me
with how big I’m getting
like I don’t have eyes and an mirror

My husband is still my husband
and will fight with me regardless
I don’t have ESP

There’s not a day I’m not either
invisible, in the center of the floor, or someone’s target

And some of them want to see
pictures or the baby
and I’m thinking, you know
pregnancy hasn’t affected my memory
or ability to put
one and two together
y’all treat me
like shit or talk shit about me behind my back
and you think for a second or two
you try to kiss my ass,
it’ll change anything?
I might be blonde but
I’m not a fucking idiot

All this time I have kept to myself
kept my I don’t give a fuck persona
and dealt with you crazy people
treat others how
you want to be treated
they say
if you were pregnant,
would you want to deal with this?
No
I’m glad (not really) I’m bringing a child in this world
full of hypocrites but
she’ll know the truth

Early first semester

Congestion
I thought I was getting sick
but obviously not if that’s
the only issue I had for a few weeks
now comes the bloating
and sore boobs
heavens forbid I sit still
for a minute I feel like I’m going to burst
and it looks like I’ve gained weight
actually I haven’t
there’s way too much going on
in there I apparently didn’t know about
but can certainly feel at night
or when I have to do a
million jump squats
time to make a doctors appointment
to state what I already know
meantime enjoy wanting to fall
asleep at 7pm but the fact I can’t
because I’m still at work
and going home to put a heating pad
on my boobs
and I’m like, why the hell do people
want to do this?
this was an accident

When you refuse birth control

Doctor
What form of birth control are you using?

 

You
None.

 

Doctor
You don’t use condoms, the pill, or patch?

 

You
(hesitates)
Condoms.

 

Doctor
You got a girlfriend, boyfriend?

 

You
(laugh)
No girlfriend, boyfriend.

 

Doctor
You never know these days.

 

You wonder why the hell the doctor assumed you were gay because you denied birth control. I mean, maybe you don’t have sex, physically can’t get pregnant, or prefer the withdrawal method? Whatever. It wouldn’t be the doctor’s business either way. You didn’t go to the doctors to discuss/get on birth control. But because it was a checkup and you’re a woman, you get asked about it. If you were a man, you wouldn’t.

She likes you

About girls who are Type passive or hard to get.

 

 

#1 She makes in fun of you.

If not in front of you, behind your back to people she knows. They know you speak funny and should consider taking more showers.

Why? She’s a bitch but she still has some brain, morals, and standards. She can’t say, “I want to sleep with you.” That’d be wrong on many levels (but mocking you and/or being two faced isn’t?)

#2 She looks at you.

You’re thinking, so people look at people or she caught me looking at her which is possible. If you’re feeling there is an attraction between you, there most likely is.

#3 How she is around you.

Sometimes she seems shy, other times not so. Sometimes she speaks without thinking. She knows what she says doesn’t really matter.