Atypical

white rich man
dresses in suits
drives some expensive
sport car that sucks
in the snow
has Trump stickers,
hats, signs, etc
all over his office
to vote for him
because you don’t
like or trust the other candidate
is one thing but to actually
full on support and like him
is another… in my opinion

I’m forced to go in
each morning
and collect his trash
I can tell he never
brings anything,
always orders
I did too, when I worked
at a mall with disgusting food
who am I to judge
no one

Exactly my point
you’re old enough
to be my father
I don’t want any
stupid flowers or
awkward conversations
and interactions with you
cut the chase
no, I’m not going there
with you
I’d sleep with the man
moving all shit around
before you
and he doesn’t even
have a car

What’s his name

he’s tall
he’s jacked
he’s the only one
around here I had a
few conversations with
he knows my name
I don’t know his

maybe it’s
for the best
I know myself
too well
one thing will lead
to another
and that’s that
I have the tendency
not to get attached
but they do
I’m at my point in life
I don’t need that
it doesn’t mean
a thing

Odd fellow

What did you have for lunch? Pumpkin donuts. Yeah, real healthy I’m aware. I’m too lazy and careless to bother with anything else.

Are you on Facebook? I have one but I don’t use it. I’m only tagged in videos and pictures of my daughter. Who seriously asks that these days? Are you gonna friend request me? Haha.

How long have you been married? It’d be three years in October… Why?

How long have you been together? It’d be nine years in October. Why? Is it because I look young? We met in our early 20s, we’re 30. No we didn’t stay together the entire time, we went through on and offs and ups and downs.

What’s his name? What is this the third degree? Are you the police going to investigate him? Or just nosey?

What does he do for a living? He’s an accountant. More like a puppet that hits buttons on a computer all day. Exact opposite of anything and everything I do.

Has he met the owner? No. Why the hell?

Creeper

How do I tell if someone is just being friendly or something else I can’t another word for besides ‘weird’?

“Hi, how are you?” Okay, so that’s what everyone says. Nothing out of the ordinary.

“What are you doing this weekend?” Nothing spectacular. Only a conversation starter.

“What about this weather?” Yeah, it’s hot out. “I can stand heat, not the cold.” Now I’m getting bored… any reason to talk to me, right? I might be blonde but I’m not stupid.

“Hi…” looks up and down at you.

Maybe it’s my imagination. Wait, why is he watching me? How did he know I went upstairs. Is he following me or watching me on camera? Probably.

Am I in trouble? No. Do I have a creeper on my back? Yes. Let me think… nope.

I don’t do games with men. I played games with men that didn’t follow me around and upfront told me what they wanted. I mean I like some older men but not old enough to be my father, c’mon.

Worst sex experiences

I feel like I’ve talked about this in bits and pieces but haven’t covered it completely. And the fact I have no other ideas this was inspired by a podcast I listened and forgot about.

 

You’re a virgin, he’s a virgin
You don’t know what the fuck you’re supposed to do besides penis meets vagina.

So okay, yeah I just laid there and thought, ‘Is this going to hurt? Why doesn’t it hurt? Why is he so hairy? Do all guys have that much hair on their body?’ I wasn’t into it. It was something I wanted to get off my bucket list. I showed no emotion and he kept apologizing because he thought he was doing something wrong. After I was thinking, ‘Okay, may be better with someone else!’ My poor then boyfriend.

 

Period sex
I don’t care what you say, if you have a vagina you most likely tried it at least once! I’ll save all the bloody details and focus on the worst one.

In the shower. It should work right? You don’t bleed in water. Well, it doesn’t work if the guy is 2 feet taller than you and you try to go at it! Then you have to turn the water off to avoid slipping or breaking your neck. That didn’t work either. Then came the bed. I said ‘put a towel down’ he still got coated in shit and it bothered him and our attempts were over. Not all guys can handle it.

 

Drunk anal sex

Let’s just say I was highly intoxicated one night and agreed to try anal with my then boyfriend. I don’t remember how the hell the conversation went about. I just know the second he tried to force it in it hurt like a motherfucker and I screamed! That did not happen… or I think it didn’t anyway.

 

Slapping, choking, “suck my dick”
If you’re into bondage it’s one thing. But another thing if the person you’re sleeping with is not!

I find it to be a huge turnoff when a guy comes on to me sexually aggressive. I don’t like to be hit or choked any time, why would sex be different? It shouldn’t be. I don’t want to be a hypocrite, I did like it with someone else. So the problem was with whom and how hard he did it. And then demanding I suck his dick and chase me around shoving it in my face when I denied him up until I left!

 

Threesome
Some people like it, those that usually consent and plan for it!

I did not. I joked about it and found myself in an interesting fucked up situation. I’ve talked about it here numerous times before. Long story short, I wasn’t into vagina but my then whatever insisted I was to live out one of his fantasies. It was awkward as hell. I played along because I didn’t want to walk 2 hours home. No vagina did not taste good nor was anything I’d ever want to go near again. I didn’t enjoy being told to watch him fuck someone else. I threw a condom at him and told him to go fuck himself. Then he stopped with her and came after me. Forced me down to do it though I was clearly done.

 

One night stand with Small
I call him Small because he had a small penis he didn’t know how to use. Hell, my pinky was bigger and could have given me more pleasure. The day after he invited me over to his parents house for dinner… I met his mom on the second date! We hung out in the living room the entire time. There wasn’t a third…

 

Blowup doll face
There once was a guy I hooked up in random places a few times. One time was the woods. He laid on some wood chips and told me to ride him. My knees burnt and I was a dumbass that kept doing it. He had his mouth wide open the entire time…

He returns

He asks me
what do you drive
what do you do
where do you live
when am I going to see you?
I don’t respond
he tells me nothing about him
all I have is images
of fifty shades of gray
in my head
I thought if I wanted that
I would have chose him
but I didn’t

Misconception about Men

“They don’t care.”
“They cheat on me.”
“They’re abusive.”

 

I sat here for once
staring at my screen
receiving nothing but messages
from men about their woman…

 

I think she’s cheating on me
she lies to me all the time
She had sex with another guy
she said he was better in bed
He probably has a bigger penis than I do
that’s why she wants him
She’s pregnant and I don’t
think I’m the father
We had a great time now she
ignores all my messages
She broke up with me for
no reason
She told me she cuts herself
but never told me why

 

I love her and would do anything for her
Me: Does she know that?
I told her, she’s my soulmate
I think about her all the time
I can’t get her out of my mind
why couldn’t she tell me?
Me: Perhaps…
I want your honest opinion
Me: Somethings not right in her head
and she’s seeing someone else

Weirder survey

Have you ever danced with a girl?
Yes, in college.

 

How often?
A couple hundred times.
 

Why?
There were no guys in my classes or in the club I was in.

 

Did you enjoy it?
Most of the time it was awkward as fuck.

 

When was the last time you danced with a guy?
When I was 20 and at a club in Texas, I felt his small dick touch my ass.

 

Did you have sex with him?
Hell no.

 

Do you miss him?
No? I hardly remember his name. I think it’s Hunter?

 
Do you miss me?
Who are you?

Weird survey

Do you eat plastic?
No but I chew on it.

 

What is your political party?
Other.

Please specify: I don’t care.

 

What is your sexual orientation?
Other.

Please specify: Whoever I like.

 

Where do you think the country is headed?
Hell.

 

Do you own a raccoon?
No but have you seen my makeup after a wild night?

 

Do you eat tires?
No but you saw that video too?

 

Are you married?
Are you single?
 

May I have your number if any other opportunities arise?
No because I haven’t seen your picture. I don’t know if I would sleep with you.

I’m a nut case at night

I probably have every personality disorder in the book, it wouldn’t surprise me.

 

I say everything that comes into my mind
Twitter or text message. It doesn’t matter. Today I said a man threatened to kill me on Twitter. It’s not true. I went on about how I feel nothing and think my boyfriend is gay via text message.

 

Someone is out to get me
I must change my privacy settings on my social media accounts because some guy messaged me. He must be a stalker or clinically crazy because who does that? I can’t trust no one.

 

Someone is going to break into the house
I have to sleep with some sort of a light on because if I don’t Satan, an Alien, or some creepy man will come into the house and straggle me. They won’t take me because they like to keep me a prisoner here.

 

I can’t focus on anything and refuse to go to sleep
I’m not watching one video, I’m watching two videos. I’m also reading an article and asking Google if it was possible that I had sex with a demon. All while I’m texting three people and laughing in my room.

 
 

I’m not like this during the day. This is why no one should talk to me or listen to anything I say after 10pm.