The past

doesn’t define us
but helps us better
understand the present
and future
so, people
said or did a lot
of shit they shouldn’t
have been doing
(who hasn’t?)
they shouldn’t be hung
for it but at the same
time, they need to be
accountable and should
have taken into
consideration
hey, this might bite
me in the ass someday
and make me lose things
I’ve worked hard for

that’s why your mother
told you to
“think before you speak”

“I’m…”
“But I was…”
“I wasn’t…”
the world is done
with your excuses
look at everything
going on in the world
nobody gives a fuck
about ‘oh, poor you’
especially when you’re
an adult and have all
this money
while a lot of us
are actually struggling

It’s time to wake up
nobody cares to listen
to your narcissistic bullshit
so go back to flaunting
what you have
crying online
and posting pictures
see how many people
click ‘mute‘
(you won’t know)
or unfollow your ass

Footage of an ‘Aquarius moon’ experiencing emotions

.
..

I don’t feel anything. I’m emotionally numb and retarded. The only emotions I know are lust, desire, passion, and anger. I only feel lust, desire, and passion in bed. After I do it there’s nothing there. I’m empty. Someone pisses me off, I turn in 2 seconds to a raging asshole. Do I yell? Not unless I’m married to you. Strangers, acquittances, and co-workers I can forget about just as fast as they pissed me off. But if, I don’t I have some history, relationship, or interest in you — it’s different. I stay mad longer. Sometimes I don’t realize I’m mad until I’m alone in my head. Do anything about it? I try. But sometimes, the physical and creative work I do isn’t enough. So I get drunk and high a bit. It does nothing but get me out of myself. Do I have a problem? No. I don’t think drinking a few times a month or smoking weed once a blue moon means you have a problem. It’s a problem when you use them as a crutch. I don’t. I wish I could but that’s not me. I have a daughter now. I would never put her or myself in that position. I don’t even do those things when she’s around. I don’t judge people but they judge me. I don’t care enough about people in general to care what they’re doing.

Brands that were more relevant in high school

Hollister
If you didn’t wear at least a shirt from there, you might as well sit in a corner. You’d even be an outcast to the outcasts.

Today: You see the store around in malls and a few middle schoolers wearing it. I wonder if the reputation ‘hollister is for skinny people’ had anything to do with it?

 

Hot topic
All the cool outcasts shopped there, just not you.

Today: Of course they still exist but where? They’re not in every mall. Should you see one? You may go in for body jewelry or a cool T-shirt, maybe — but you can get that shit cheaper elsewhere!

 

Old Navy
The only socially acceptable place (besides Gap) to buy your clothes if you can’t afford Hollister. Why? It’s still from the mall. An “old navy” shirt means you didn’t get it from Walmart or Kmart.

Today: You probably still shop there for a few things? Why? Because there not ridiculously priced and have sales.

 

Gap
The brand preppy kids with money wore. Did you care if you wore it, nope. Their clothes weren’t that cute.

Today: A grandma probably shops there.

 

Aeropostale
If you didn’t shop there at least once, you weren’t a teenager. Hell an outcast of the outcasts again.

Today: They still exist? Where? I haven’t seen them in a mall over a decade.

 

American Eagle
People loved to get their jeans from until they found out their teacher did too.

Today: They still exist? They’re also leaving malls.

 

Victoria’s Secret pink
It didn’t really start to become a thing until I left high school in 2008. It was mainly a thing for college kids.

Today: 40 year old women and 13 year olds are wearing it! Seems like, the last couple years not so much!

 

Forever 21
Some popular snobs people wanted to be like shopped there.

Today: You realize those popular snobs didn’t have money, they could get those clothes on sale there. Hell, you’ve shopped there more after high school — until they started making most of their shirts crop tops! You’re not ‘forever 21’ anymore, you’re 30!

 

Today
The only brand name stuff I own is from Victoria’s Secret/Pink,(because their clothes are worth the money and cute) some Under Armour and Adidas. I only spend money on crap I’m going to wear, keep awhile, and doesn’t break the bank. The fuck I care where it’s from? I don’t. It’s eventually going to end up in the trash or donated. I’m also a pretty basic Target mom…

My life at 36 weeks

At this point she’s already dropped and head down. I have Braxton Hicks every day. Now I have to go to the doctor every week. My cervix is 50% open and I’m 1/2 centimeter dilated. My doctor said it could be any time or a couple weeks which to me literally means nothing. Active labor doesn’t start until 3 centimeters and I’m not having any ‘real’ contractions yet.

Baby is coming. When I don’t know but within the next month. I have yet to pack my hospital bag and unpack my stuff in our ‘apartment’. I’m still working and my doctor hasn’t taken me out of work. I tried to ask for a note to go on unpaid maternity leave and I got nowhere — makes me wonder if I need it? I’m still going to the gym and using ‘boring’ cardio machines. I actually joined a new one Sunday that is across the road where I live and isn’t going to charge me through the roof. It only sucks she won’t be able to go with me until she’s 2.

And I’m getting sick of the ‘you’ll be too tired’ to anything after she’s born comments. While that may be true, I don’t need nor want to hear it. AND the labor stories. OKAY because YOUR water broke in the hospital doesn’t mean my will. Or because YOU carried your first for 42 weeks, doesn’t mean I will! Everyone is different!

What a miserable life

she leads
she hangouts
at a dying mall all day
while her boyfriend works
with her 3 babies from
3 different baby daddies
none of which are her
boyfriend’s

she doesn’t work
she doesn’t drive
if you heard her talk
you’d think she has
no education

other people support her
she waits around for a ride

I see her five days a week
only because I work there

I’ve seen this before
and I wonder if she’s lazy
she doesn’t look disabled
she looks unhappy
like she knows she needs
to rely on other people
a daily basis and does
nothing about it

I’m not happy
but I’m not miserable
I work for everything
I don’t wait on other people
I don’t make excuses
despite the numerous times
I’m shitted on by people
and circumstances
beyond my control
I refuse to let them
change who I am or my course
 

Life at 26 weeks

‘How are you?’ I’m fine. I wish people would stop asking me that. It seems to be the greeting these days. I don’t know why they ask, it’s not like I’m going to tell you if I was doing terrible.

My girl is moving a bit more and seems to respond to me touching her and some sounds I play on the music box. She woke me up at 4am Sunday moving all over place. I think it’s because I was a bit hungry. She’s also active around times I eat like she knows food is coming.

The movements don’t bother me. They feel weird when I touch them or see a tiny bump stick up in my stomach. It bothers me when she wants to fuck with my bladder. Especially when I’m working, all I can feel is this pressure then I have to piss.

My back and ribs hurt sometime at work or when I’m driving. Mainly because the seat I sit in sucks and there’s not much I can do besides walk around and suck it up.

I don’t like how I look or how I feel in this body. I know I’m building a life and bla bla bla. I’m just not comfortable in the skin I’m currently in and it’s not my own. It’s exhausting to think day by day what I can, cannot or shouldn’t do. Before I didn’t have too. Now I have to think of the bigger stuff and deal with other changes in life.

Have to think of money. I don’t get paid maternity leave. I’d work as long as possible I have no other choice. Student loans are going up. Gas and everything else is going to cost more because I live farther away from shit now. I can get paid family leave but that only pays 55% what I make now. And I am currently living out of a bag in my husbands parents house. Our apartment isn’t finished and they hardly even started. My current relationship with my husband is another story. I think he constantly tells me he loves me because he knows I’m not happy and feels some sort of guilt. I sometimes wonder if I’d be better off by myself. Hey, my mother basically did it.

Thoughts about weed

It’s 420.

Big deal. It has no significance in my life. If it does for you, cool. I won’t judge you for it unless you’re a bad stereotype.

I don’t have a problem with weed. I’ve done it. I don’t care for the joint, it smells like skunk and leaves me stinking. I’d vap the short period of time I used it to self diagnose my anger after my mothers death. Did it really help? No. Only some time did.

I have a problem with people that do it with zero regard to the people around them especially at work or a public place with no ventilation. Not everyone can or would like to smell that shit. If you’re going to do it go to your car or on your own time at home. It’s not even legal in New York State.

And the bad stoner stereotype that gives weed a bad name. Doesn’t work, doesn’t want to work. Crashes on someone’s couch and gets someone to pay all their shit. Wants to do nothing but get high and sleep all day. I meant someone like that and let me tell you, his dealer shouldn’t have been giving him shit. He couldn’t even pay him without pawning shit.

Not all are like that but it’s those people that stop it from making it legal in places that’s not California.

When I’m sick

I’m an even bigger asshole
I don’t want to talk
everyone wants to
ask stupid questions
make small talk
like dude it’s obvious
by my facial expression
to leave me alone
but I have to put
on a face so I don’t
completely piss people off

I do things
I would normally do
I don’t make excuses
I don’t cry on social media
like some people do
hell, unless I tell someone
they don’t have a clue
I can’t wait to be home
lay in bed
sleep
not deal with
anyone’s bullshit