Things I’m already over with in 2020

Celebrity makeup lines
We’ve heard it 50 million times now by pretty much everyone.

Makeup. Period.
How many more palettes and foundations does the world need? At least it gives people that aren’t millionaires already jobs.

Waiting in lines to get coffee
I’m too lazy to make it myself but I have a coffee maker!? It’s free to make but what the fuck well I’m bored with everything they sell in stores too.

Marriage. Babies.
Yeah, I’m aware I’m married and have a baby! That’s the point. They both irritate the shit out of me and I wonder why I did any of it in the first place. And no, I’m not even thinking about another!

Facebook
Yeah, the first week of January in 2020 I was gone. It was the BEST decision I’ve made on the internet in my life!

Etsy
Okay, I’ll be fair a lot of people were good crafters and sellers BUT that one, that didn’t respond and try to make me look stupid to get my money — I’m done. I got my money back so they can kiss my ass.

Publishing on Amazon!?!
They take a lot of your profit. And the playing field is huge, obviously. I don’t care if I’m a known writer, I care if I’m making more then $6 when I publish shit.

Election
I don’t know whose running or really care. I may or may not vote. Bite me. All that matters is Trump is out of the office and less an idiot takes over.

My hair
I’ve had ‘platinum’ or ‘near platinum’ blonde hair for years. Natural when I was younger until I hit like 16 — I started coloring it because I didn’t like more roots were darker? I used some natural light blonde product on it with no bleach. Around when I was 18 I was like holly fuck, my hair looks like it’s turning red (a strawberry blonde?) so I started using blonde dye with little bleach in it. And here I am, 30 and seeing those same undertones in my hair. So I wonder… no I’d probably regret it.

Past two years

My mother got in a car accident. Her ribs were broken. Car destroyed. Her asshole boyfriend was okay. They stopped treating her cancer. She was too weak.

I got engaged outside a hockey arena. I moved in with my fiancé in his parents house. I hated it but it was closer to work. I showed my mother my dress. She never saw me walk down the aisle in it. She died a few months before my wedding.

I got married. I had an affair with my supervisor. I have yet to claim it was manipulated or abuse. All I know is, never again and he’s behind bars somewhere.

I was sued for the lack of paying up something over a decade ago when I was 18. And now I have to sue my employer.

I started a novel exposing the so-called truth and it turned into fiction. Have to end out names and things to not get sued. Have to exaggerate details to tell a story.

I got pregnant. I was going to get an abortion knowing my past and current financial situation. I saw her heartbeat and kept it. Sometimes I wish I got one.

I got a DNA test and so did 2 of my sisters. Come to find out, 1 of them doesn’t have the same father. We don’t know who it is. We knew my father cheated and took her money. We didn’t know she went out with men when he was away.

Does it matter? No. They broke up. She’s dead and carries that secret to her grave. Now I live with the question, what am I going to die with? Why does it seem like I’ve spent my life running and for what? I’m being lied to. It’s a game for everyone.

How life changes with a baby

Say goodbye to sleep

Want to nap? You have 5 minutes, maybe 30 if you’re lucky. Your nights of sleeping uninterrupted are over. Then when you got to feed the baby, you have to put it back asleep when you’re half asleep at 2am.

 

Say goodbye to doing anything like you used too

Sometimes you can’t even take a piss when you want too — you have a screaming baby attached to your boob or hip. If you have no one around to watch her and you have errands to do, she has to come with you — and it takes anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour to get her ready and leave the house!

 

If she has a tantrum in public well…

It’s aggravating as hell and you have people looking at you like ‘stfu’. You’re thinking, she’s a baby she cries. I did everything before I left I can’t help it. Mind your business.

 

Or people need to stop you when you’re out

Comment on how cute she is blah blah blah. It’s almost like you can’t go anywhere without something happening or someone up your ass.

 

And EVERYONE wants to see her or tell you how to raise her

So be mad at me 90% of the time because I say no. She’s my daughter. You should have thought about having a relationship with me before she was even born. But now you think you’re entitled to her hahaha. If I want your help, I’ll let you know. Actually I won’t because I don’t.

Because I’m pregnant

I don’t get special treatment
no one holds the door open for me
people increasingly like to cut me off when I’m walking

People at work
still expect me to do everything
like I have been
I still got frowned upon my
nosey coworker when I take a break
though she takes multiple

People I’m associated with
through marriage more so expect me
to worship the ground they walk on
and kiss their ass
and talk shit about me when I’m
on the other corner of the room
or behind my back

Strangers say ‘congratulations’
as a way to greet me

People at the gym need to comment
on how impressed they are
I workout or point at my stomach
like they’re 4 years old and they
haven’t seen a pregnant chick before

Acquittances need to greet me
with how big I’m getting
like I don’t have eyes and an mirror

My husband is still my husband
and will fight with me regardless
I don’t have ESP

There’s not a day I’m not either
invisible, in the center of the floor, or someone’s target

And some of them want to see
pictures or the baby
and I’m thinking, you know
pregnancy hasn’t affected my memory
or ability to put
one and two together
y’all treat me
like shit or talk shit about me behind my back
and you think for a second or two
you try to kiss my ass,
it’ll change anything?
I might be blonde but
I’m not a fucking idiot

All this time I have kept to myself
kept my I don’t give a fuck persona
and dealt with you crazy people
treat others how
you want to be treated
they say
if you were pregnant,
would you want to deal with this?
No
I’m glad (not really) I’m bringing a child in this world
full of hypocrites but
she’ll know the truth

29 lessons

Because I’m bored at work and am going to be 29 in a month and half, I did this…

 

1. Not all teachers are bad, only those that compare you to your siblings.
2. Don’t give back something someone gave you.
3. Don’t tell your loud classmate a ‘secret’.
4. Too much blue lip gloss is not cute.
5. Don’t starve yourself for a boy.
6. Being quiet at times is part of your personality.
7. Being detached is part of your nature and you express emotions differently.
8. Don’t start believing in God because people think you should.
9. Not everyone will know what you know, see or believe what you do.
10. Sex is sex — physical and meaningless.
11. Don’t have sex with someone with obsessed with you.
12. Don’t joke about a threesome with a crazy man because it will happen.
13. Plan B will fuck up your cycle.
14. Try not to have sex with co-workers or supervisors.
15. Marriage is a contract, it shouldn’t be that way but it is.
16. Nothing is permanent.
17. Dancing is fun when it’s not structured.
18. Always a runner — physically and emotionally.
19. How to hide things; give partial truths, light, or realistic lies.
20. Don’t trust the man.
21. A lot of people around you are high or on drugs.
22. Taking a ‘sleep aid’ won’t help your supposed sleep disorder or PTSD.
23. You never think before you speak.
24. Never say those three words unless you mean it.
25. Dairy is not your friend.
26. Math is not your friend.
27. Your mother never agreed with your choices but wanted you to be happy.
28. You shouldn’t feel guilt for something you didn’t do.
29. Marijuana was a temporary fix for your anger issues, you’re better without it.

Why I’m nice to him

We’re not married. I don’t owe him anything. He doesn’t tell me how to live my life. He doesn’t tell me he loves me. He doesn’t. He likes my body, that is all. He only knows the fun part of my personality. I don’t talk about anything personal. My thoughts and emotions are pretty much non-existent. I watch his craziness and listen to him vent. I’m not in it. I’m on the sidelines. He loses his shit drinking or thinking he’s dying. I hear a lot of things about him and he possibility he has multiple he’s toying with as well. I don’t mention it. I don’t care. It’s not anything I can control or change. I’m simply just there as I always been. I’m not with him. I’m with someone else. He talks about me leaving my husband for him. It wouldn’t happen. Not unless I was strongly convinced things would change and there was something real between us. It’s funny. He’s the one person I was honest too with the few things he knew about my life — my mother, marriage, selfishness, and the lawsuit. I’ve been passive for so long. People mistake it for kindness.

Honest truth

I don’t know why
I’m writing this
people are taking
fascination with my life
they know nothing about
I’m not what I seem
what is really going on
I can’t talk about publicly
like I’ve said my moves
are being watched by the man
I don’t need anymore
judgements against me
I’m not a criminal
I’m being scrutinized
like I am

I’m not a bad person
though my concept on life
and relationships are probably
1000% different than yours
there’s one thing in my life
I will have to deal with forever
the death of my mother
June 2017
I don’t talk nor write much
about among other things
behind the scenes

What happened to the ‘Agent of Douche’

Nothing happened. Last time I saw him he was outside in camouflage doing something. I don’t know what or with who. It looked like he was by himself. That was probably three or four years ago when I was in college. I had to drive by his house because there wasn’t a better route. He looked very much alone like I knew he was. He didn’t have kids. He drove whatever female he had in his life out. He didn’t talk to his parents or siblings in the time we were together. He was an asshole to me and had a small pencil dick. That’s all I remember besides the ATV, dirt bike, motorcycle, hot tub, bonfires, and drinking. We had some fun but it wasn’t enough. He said I was stupid and an idiot. He said he wanted a housewife and it wasn’t me. I had no interest in ever being a housewife.

I wanted to do something with my life and not wait for some asshole man that’s fucking around. He had numerous online dating profiles. Once I haven’t seen him in a week and he smelled of sex. It definitely wasn’t me. I wanted to love him. I wanted him to change. But he didn’t. I looked at it like hey, I’m single too. I can go talk to other people, he is — and I did. That’s how I met my future husband. I went back to college and graduated. The very last time our eyes ever met was on the lake when he was patrolling. He asked me what I was doing there and I said I lived over there and pointed to a building. I was going back to school but not because of him. I went for myself.

And now, I’m an hour away from all that chaos. He’s probably still alone. Though I had very little faith he’d get the stick out of his ass and stop hating everyone and everything.

Walk Away

I could say hello but I’m not interested in small talk
seeing your number makes me want to vomit
seeing your face makes me want to bash it in a million pieces

 

I could explain why I stopped talking to you out of the blue
but I refuse to be interrogated for something I didn’t do

 

I could rant on and on about the things you said and did
that no other man, a stable respectful man would do
you want to say it’s part of your culture or religion
if that were true, you give your people a bad name

 

You don’t listen or take a clue

 

I told you numerous times
you and I would never work out
I don’t like high heels
I don’t want your hands around my neck
I don’t appreciate the comments about
you having a threesome with my younger sister and I

 

I would never convert to Islam
or make an effort to learn your language
you forced high heels on my feet like I was
Cinderella and you were Prince Charming
(yeah, right)
you choked me and slapped my face
you showed me a knife and made a joke
about taking my life
I saw less and less of you
you began to stalk my younger sister and
her friends on Facebook
I told you that was the last straw

 

I told you I didn’t like you as much as you liked me
you proceeded to ask me out
I walked away without answering your requests to see you again
or answering your question, “Do you have someone else?”
I responded, “None of your business.”