Worst sex experiences

I feel like I’ve talked about this in bits and pieces but haven’t covered it completely. And the fact I have no other ideas this was inspired by a podcast I listened and forgot about.

 

You’re a virgin, he’s a virgin
You don’t know what the fuck you’re supposed to do besides penis meets vagina.

So okay, yeah I just laid there and thought, ‘Is this going to hurt? Why doesn’t it hurt? Why is he so hairy? Do all guys have that much hair on their body?’ I wasn’t into it. It was something I wanted to get off my bucket list. I showed no emotion and he kept apologizing because he thought he was doing something wrong. After I was thinking, ‘Okay, may be better with someone else!’ My poor then boyfriend.

 

Period sex
I don’t care what you say, if you have a vagina you most likely tried it at least once! I’ll save all the bloody details and focus on the worst one.

In the shower. It should work right? You don’t bleed in water. Well, it doesn’t work if the guy is 2 feet taller than you and you try to go at it! Then you have to turn the water off to avoid slipping or breaking your neck. That didn’t work either. Then came the bed. I said ‘put a towel down’ he still got coated in shit and it bothered him and our attempts were over. Not all guys can handle it.

 

Drunk anal sex

Let’s just say I was highly intoxicated one night and agreed to try anal with my then boyfriend. I don’t remember how the hell the conversation went about. I just know the second he tried to force it in it hurt like a motherfucker and I screamed! That did not happen… or I think it didn’t anyway.

 

Slapping, choking, “suck my dick”
If you’re into bondage it’s one thing. But another thing if the person you’re sleeping with is not!

I find it to be a huge turnoff when a guy comes on to me sexually aggressive. I don’t like to be hit or choked any time, why would sex be different? It shouldn’t be. I don’t want to be a hypocrite, I did like it with someone else. So the problem was with whom and how hard he did it. And then demanding I suck his dick and chase me around shoving it in my face when I denied him up until I left!

 

Threesome
Some people like it, those that usually consent and plan for it!

I did not. I joked about it and found myself in an interesting fucked up situation. I’ve talked about it here numerous times before. Long story short, I wasn’t into vagina but my then whatever insisted I was to live out one of his fantasies. It was awkward as hell. I played along because I didn’t want to walk 2 hours home. No vagina did not taste good nor was anything I’d ever want to go near again. I didn’t enjoy being told to watch him fuck someone else. I threw a condom at him and told him to go fuck himself. Then he stopped with her and came after me. Forced me down to do it though I was clearly done.

 

One night stand with Small
I call him Small because he had a small penis he didn’t know how to use. Hell, my pinky was bigger and could have given me more pleasure. The day after he invited me over to his parents house for dinner… I met his mom on the second date! We hung out in the living room the entire time. There wasn’t a third…

 

Blowup doll face
There once was a guy I hooked up in random places a few times. One time was the woods. He laid on some wood chips and told me to ride him. My knees burnt and I was a dumbass that kept doing it. He had his mouth wide open the entire time…

We’re back together

I got really drunk last night
I texted him up and said I wanted to fuck
he came over at 12am
we had sex in the back of his car
he didn’t wear a condom
so I’m pretty sure I’m going to have his baby
I know when I tell him I’m pregnant he’ll want to marry me
I agreed to having threesomes whenever he wanted
we’re having one next week
if you’d like to join us, use the contact form on my website

 

Oh and,
April Fools!

How not to talk to a girl

“Hey, want to have a threesome?”
No, but is your friend single?

 

“We should hookup sometime.”
Maybe if we were at a bar but we are not…

 

“Do you spit or swallow?”
Neither.

 

“Are you a Lesbian? If you are, can I watch?”
Are you gay? If you are, can I watch? Just kidding. Why on Earth would I want to watch anyone have sex.

 

“Send me nude pics.”
Of what? I can send you pictures of a dog, cat, cow, or chicken. They’re naked…

 

“I want you, do you want me? I’m way better for you.”
What?

Walk Away

I could say hello but I’m not interested in small talk
seeing your number makes me want to vomit
seeing your face makes me want to bash it in a million pieces

 

I could explain why I stopped talking to you out of the blue
but I refuse to be interrogated for something I didn’t do

 

I could rant on and on about the things you said and did
that no other man, a stable respectful man would do
you want to say it’s part of your culture or religion
if that were true, you give your people a bad name

 

You don’t listen or take a clue

 

I told you numerous times
you and I would never work out
I don’t like high heels
I don’t want your hands around my neck
I don’t appreciate the comments about
you having a threesome with my younger sister and I

 

I would never convert to Islam
or make an effort to learn your language
you forced high heels on my feet like I was
Cinderella and you were Prince Charming
(yeah, right)
you choked me and slapped my face
you showed me a knife and made a joke
about taking my life
I saw less and less of you
you began to stalk my younger sister and
her friends on Facebook
I told you that was the last straw

 

I told you I didn’t like you as much as you liked me
you proceeded to ask me out
I walked away without answering your requests to see you again
or answering your question, “Do you have someone else?”
I responded, “None of your business.”

Threesome: Is it cheating?

You’re all adults. You’re old enough to decide who you sleep with, how many people you sleep with, and what you do in the bedroom. Unless you were raped, you can’t say you did something you didn’t want to do.

(Of course drugs or alcohol could influence your decision but it was your choice to put that into your body.)

You want to accuse your partner of cheating or being unfaithful because they had sex with someone else in front of you. But then, you had sex with the same person they did. You think it was ‘same sex’ so it doesn’t count. It still counts, your were all over each other.

If your primary partner has sex with the third person when you leave, it’s cheating. You did not discuss or agree to that. They did it behind your back. Neither one of them are faithful and cannot be trusted. Forget them.