“Beat them up,”

she said. Like me going to jail is worth it. I wouldn’t just lose the job I already hate. Forget any future government job or any decent job period with that on your record.

I’m sure I could. There’s no doubt in my mind I couldn’t. I mean, I did through out a girls arm only a few weeks after having a baby. If you don’t know what I’m capable of, why mess with me? You’re an idiot.

Let’s bring you back to my childhood. I wasn’t raised to be violent but to defend myself. So some boys took my shit or tackled on me to attempt to kiss me, I punched them in the face. Not the best way to handle but how do you expect a 4-5 year old to react? You want them to react that way and run when a creep tries to get them in their van!

There’s nothing special about me. I grew up in the projects, my parents spilt when I was 11, I lived in the country, I have a lot of siblings, my mother died of cancer when I was 27, I have a baby, etc.

People think there is because I’m quiet? Hey, I come here and do my business then leave. I don’t come to this place to make friends. Why would I? I hate my fucking job. So does majority of the population.

Atypical

white rich man
dresses in suits
drives some expensive
sport car that sucks
in the snow
has Trump stickers,
hats, signs, etc
all over his office
to vote for him
because you don’t
like or trust the other candidate
is one thing but to actually
full on support and like him
is another… in my opinion

I’m forced to go in
each morning
and collect his trash
I can tell he never
brings anything,
always orders
I did too, when I worked
at a mall with disgusting food
who am I to judge
no one

Exactly my point
you’re old enough
to be my father
I don’t want any
stupid flowers or
awkward conversations
and interactions with you
cut the chase
no, I’m not going there
with you
I’d sleep with the man
moving all shit around
before you
and he doesn’t even
have a car

What’s his name

he’s tall
he’s jacked
he’s the only one
around here I had a
few conversations with
he knows my name
I don’t know his

maybe it’s
for the best
I know myself
too well
one thing will lead
to another
and that’s that
I have the tendency
not to get attached
but they do
I’m at my point in life
I don’t need that
it doesn’t mean
a thing

When gyms were closed

I realized they need you a lot more than you need them. Why? You’re their source of income.

I ran, I rollerbladed, hell I’ve even done pushups, situps, core, and kickboxing all on my own. Sometimes I followed a recorded playback but still, I was perfectly capable of instructing myself. And I did, alongside millions of others.

‘But live classes, live classes’ Yeah, that’s perfect for people that LIVE ALONE, don’t have neighbors, a house full of people on different schedules, or a crying get into everything BABY in the background. People will accept that as a new norm but I never will. Because it’s not normal. To tell you the truth, I feel odd about having anyone watch me through the other end on camera in my home. That’s why I shot down a ‘internet model’ job. I value my privacy. If I take a video in my room or house myself, a different story.

So what is? Following the beat to your drum. If that’s you, go for it. You do you, I do me. It’s not personal, it’s called not everyone needs someone to guide them. It’s not everyone has the luxury of doing things whenever the hell they want. It’s highly unrealistic like the virtual world.

Reported

his ass and his girlfriend
so they can all hate me
and not my sister
he’s a snake
she does nothing all day
but probably fuck him
in the service halls
who cares
I’m not there anymore

should they remember
I was there first and
with him
haha

reputation proceeds me
I’m sure
but remember I’m also
not the one that said
‘DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR KEYS?
I miss you?’
what about your girlfriend?
‘WHO CARES’
it never happened
it never will

but here we go,
I’ve stumbled upon
another man interested
in my personal life
giving off some vibes
it doesn’t end

Not

your
mother you’re adults
you can pick up
your shit

If you’re going to
be petty I can
return the favor
but I’m too busy
working

No
I’m not in my 20s
yes I look young
and you look old
I’m 30
what is your name
again?
doesn’t matter

No
I’m not sleeping
with the owner
because he’s ‘nice’
to me
isn’t he like that
to everyone?
yes he does pay me
thanks for stating
the obvious
not

Even if I’ve done
my things in the past
ah, no
maybe you’re bored
with your life
and not selling
enough shit

Matter is

she doesn’t have
any drama
she’s sick of
the shitshow
on the internet

she’s stable
but sometimes
fucked up
when her brain
thinks about him again

‘oh, why didn’t I runaway
when I had the chance?’
because she’s an idiot
she chose ‘stability’
over ‘being in love’
other words
she’s settled
do you blame her?
who wants to be on
the run with a criminal?

‘but other people…’
believe me she knows
none of them
she had such intensity
and an connection with

now her days are
waiting for shit to pass
and being a mother
sometimes she wonders
if the father is the father
and her hair is long
and full of secrets

She doesn’t want to talk
about herself
but this is her being
‘accountable’ again
to tell you she’ll be back
when she feels like it

The past

doesn’t define us
but helps us better
understand the present
and future
so, people
said or did a lot
of shit they shouldn’t
have been doing
(who hasn’t?)
they shouldn’t be hung
for it but at the same
time, they need to be
accountable and should
have taken into
consideration
hey, this might bite
me in the ass someday
and make me lose things
I’ve worked hard for

that’s why your mother
told you to
“think before you speak”

“I’m…”
“But I was…”
“I wasn’t…”
the world is done
with your excuses
look at everything
going on in the world
nobody gives a fuck
about ‘oh, poor you’
especially when you’re
an adult and have all
this money
while a lot of us
are actually struggling

It’s time to wake up
nobody cares to listen
to your narcissistic bullshit
so go back to flaunting
what you have
crying online
and posting pictures
see how many people
click ‘mute‘
(you won’t know)
or unfollow your ass

Random thoughts

Edit

Edit again.

Another ice coffee or ice tea or Gatorade? Shit I’m almost out.

There’s a sale at Victoria’s Secret, again. Really bad for my wallet but I need a new bag, shirt, pants, perfume, etc because I want it.

I haven’t planned my story app in days too busy on other websites. There’s still NOTHING new.

I’m cold I want ice cream.

Protests? Meh. I don’t care. Don’t throw rocks at my car again asshole. I’ll slap you with a lawsuit.

I sued my employer, what makes you think I won’t sue you?

I have nothing to fear the inside of my mouth. I broke my tooth and it’s decayed.

Why can’t people leave me the fuck alone and let me write in peace!?

Don’t look at me like that. Don’t look at me at all.

Face masks are stupid. This entire thing is stupid.

You remember the times it was a big deal when you went to public places with your face covered? Those days are over.

If people asked, ‘hey, did you test positive for an STD?’ every time you went in public as mush as they did COVID, well…

I’m not looking forward to going back to work.

I’m looking forward to the day I get another job.

The guy in my writing I obviously slept with. Do you need concrete details about that too?

Relationships are stupid. Marriage is stupid too. It’s a contract.

I don’t need to date assholes anymore, I live with one.

I’m emotionally unavailable because I don’t have emotions.

The only person I care about is my daughter.

Hmmm, let me think… No.

He’s hot, I’d sleep with him. Expect for the fact he’s too straight edge.

I don’t have issues in that department. I have issues in the giving a fuck department.

I think the answer is I need new sunglasses.

I need to rethink this selling on Amazon bullshit.

I don’t know what I’m planning to do with my characters in this story. I’m just writing a crime novel.

I’m not drunk. I wish I was.

I really think that much about him. I write about him sometimes. Maybe I need a therapist. Fuck that shit. I’d rather waste money other places.

‘Pick a topic’

What? I feel like I’ve written everything and now you expect me to focus on one thing. Haha. Yeah right.

What is going on now? Nothing. What about politics and protests? Do I look like a protester myself? I’m not. God damn. Do you really need another person to tell you how fucked up everything is? You don’t.

My old friend said I’m boring now because I have a kid. Yeah, I am. I also can’t help there’s nothing to do. Some people only find you interesting when you’re fucking around. Why? That’s when you have stories.

Oh, I can write what’s going on in my mind. I don’t even think it’s my business what I’m thinking. It’s a recipe for disaster. I’m sure you’ve seen some of my writing, you really wanna know what else goes on in my head? Haha.