Not myself

you’ll never hear me
say, “I’m super depressed”
unless I actually am
I said to him
but “Why?”
because I am

One of those days
I don’t see the point
in anything
’we all live and die’
I’m defeated over this job
over writing
why bother?
always want what
I can’t have

I’d rather be
alone or far away from
everyone and everything

Thoughts on video services

YouTube
You know there’s a thing you can pay YouTube to watch some movies and shows? I know nothing about it. I go on YouTube to watch people fuck up their face, rant, listen to music,
and do dumb shit I wouldn’t do in everyday life — for FREE.

 

Netflix
You’re not only losing subscribers because you raised prices. You’re losing subscribers because your content sucks. Don’t get me wrong, SOME originals are good. Most of them are garbage. Most of the time when I go on my account I wonder ‘why am I still here?’ they don’t put any new movies or shows out I want to watch.

 

Hulu
OKAY. Here we finally have some NEW content but limited selection unless I want to pay for an add-on and I don’t. If I’m that desperate to watch something, someone in the house still pays for cable or I could do a simple google search online and watch it somewhere else.

 

Amazon prime video
Why Amazon? Is it because you’re already the king on the internet and you thought you should have some sort of streaming service too? At least I have a last resort if I can’t find the movie or show I’m looking for. But I’m not a prime member and you should stop asking me to sign up for it every time I click on something on the website.

The problems with gyms

I’ve been going to a gym for a decade now. It’s a great place to do your thing for the most part but…

 

They’re disgusting
If you go to one of those more expensive gyms, it’s probably clean. If you go to open of those basic or cheap gyms, it’s not. The locker rooms/restrooms are dirty to the point you notice the same shit marks that’s been in the toilet for weeks.

 

Why? They’re probably understaffed/don’t care.

Let me tell you the week I worked at a basic gym — I was the only cleaner and I worked at night. The manager bombed my phone with texts of complaints throughout the day instead of doing anything about it. Urinals were clogged with literal shit and gum. I kept finding clumps of hair everywhere. I said it was bad for my health and quit (because it was, you had all these germs and shit floating around and I was the only person to do anything about it).

 

Most of them have contracts
You suddenly have to move? They don’t care. You suddenly get sick or have some restriction where you can’t workout? They don’t care. They want their money. It doesn’t matter if you use the facility or services they offer or not.

Hell, when I got pregnant I stopped going to ‘elite kickboxing’ and here I am 9 months in and still paying for it! They said I could have 3 ‘free’ months when I come back. Bitch, it’s not free I had to pay for it! And you probably will require me to sign another contract! Fuck that. I’ll go read up other gym contracts that don’t want to charge me through the roof.

 

There’s different types of gym goers

The ones that only go to the gym to socialize… in the locker room or stand by a person when they workout and talk for a good 30 minutes. It wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t in your way or if you couldn’t hear them. Even with earphones you can!

The ones that pay no attention to their surroundings and cut you off when they walk.

The ones that try to start a conversation with you about your appearance or workout routine… they’re really impressed and don’t appear to get out much.

The ones that smell… everyone sweats okay but not everyone wants your smelly ass in their space.

And the ones that used the locker room as a vanity room and sprays loads of perfume on. We get it, you smell and probably have to go to work after. But what makes you think spraying a ridiculous amount of cheap perfume is going to make you smell better?

 

 

Why can’t all gyms just I don’t know, not be disgusting, have no contracts, or people that need to get in your way one way or another? Because it’s too simple to exist.

Thoughts about weed

It’s 420.

Big deal. It has no significance in my life. If it does for you, cool. I won’t judge you for it unless you’re a bad stereotype.

I don’t have a problem with weed. I’ve done it. I don’t care for the joint, it smells like skunk and leaves me stinking. I’d vap the short period of time I used it to self diagnose my anger after my mothers death. Did it really help? No. Only some time did.

I have a problem with people that do it with zero regard to the people around them especially at work or a public place with no ventilation. Not everyone can or would like to smell that shit. If you’re going to do it go to your car or on your own time at home. It’s not even legal in New York State.

And the bad stoner stereotype that gives weed a bad name. Doesn’t work, doesn’t want to work. Crashes on someone’s couch and gets someone to pay all their shit. Wants to do nothing but get high and sleep all day. I meant someone like that and let me tell you, his dealer shouldn’t have been giving him shit. He couldn’t even pay him without pawning shit.

Not all are like that but it’s those people that stop it from making it legal in places that’s not California.

Difference between Scorpio and Pisces

I’m a Scorpio with 3 Pisces sisters…

 

Scorpio is a fighter, not a lover
Pisces runs from battle, seeks love

Scorpio is suspicious and doesn’t trust easily
Pisces is naive and wants to trust everyone

Scorpio is high strung set in his/her ways
Pisces will try to blend in with others

Once Scorpio made up their mind… nothing they’re done
Pisces can’t decide and wishes you’d choose for them

Scorpio can’t stand most people and doesn’t make an effort too
Pisces will listen to someone talk on and on and try to look/be friendly

Scorpio doesn’t make a big deal about people hitting on them
Pisces thinks everyone is hitting on them and becomes self conscious

Scorpio doesn’t see relationships or sex a big deal
Mention cheating to a Pisces good luck, they’ll think their partner is!

Scorpio just knows things
Pisces can’t tell if the rug is being pulled under their foot

Scorpio DOESN’T play manipulative or secretive, they are by nature
Pisces PLAYS manipulative or secretive when they feel threatened

Scorpio will laugh in the dark
Pisces will cry and/or complain

Head against the wall

I was happy
I came back from
a wild weekend
with my man

Then you had to look at me
and blow up my phone again
flirt with me
ask me for nude pictures
I didn’t send
talk and turn cold on me
again

I don’t know why
you couldn’t just leave me alone
like I told you too months ago
I was doing fine and good
without you speaking to me
now I’m overthinking
what the goddamn hell
spit it out
act upon it
or I’m gone again

I don’t do the patience thing
I thought it was clear
the first time I ran off
but at least I had the balls
to tell you what it was
though you didn’t like it

Then some others probably
suggest I calm and express
my feelings in a
non-aggressive manner
I’m not a talk about
my feelings type of person
maybe if he was an actual
man I’d show him
but I can’t if it’s not there
I liked him but he’s an idiot
he’s not any different
or special from the others

Scorpio woman

She’s not dumb or needy.
She can sense a lie miles away.
She’s capable of taking care of herself.
Being alone doesn’t bother her.
She doesn’t conform to society.
She doesn’t like liars.
She doesn’t like small talk.
If you have something to say, say it don’t waste her time.
She’s sexy and mysterious as hell.
You probably won’t ever really see her unless you gain her trust, good luck.

Day by day, she has to fight the urge not to roll her eyes at people that bug her.
Her idea of being nice is not giving someone the ‘piss off’ look.
It doesn’t mean she’s not.
Never assume you know her, she’s full of surprises.
She never, ever lets her guard down completely.
She’s not stupid.
She’s always observing and analyzing.
There’s a chance she’s already made up her mind what she thinks and fees about you the minute she met you.
She’s intuitive.
She’s actually very loyal if you’re on her side.
But if you hurt her, others, or do anything to corrupt the group; she is not on your side.
She can be secretive and manipulative at her worst or if a situation calls for it.
She twists and turns, plays the role of the scientist and detective in this life.
She’s strong and brave.
She’s been through a lot.
She doesn’t brag, complain, or cry about it. She’s knows that’s a waste of her time and won’t change anything.
She has a backbone when others do not.

Leave her alone.
Don’t invade her space.
Don’t tell her what to do.
Don’t think or assume things about her.
She won’t be in your side.
You want her on your side.
She will help you.
She won’t talk shit about you.

Thoughts at the dentist

Can I close my mouth now?

I’m going to choke.

Fuck me that hurts.

I’m really numb and can’t feel my lips.

If I bite my lips will they come off?

How long have I been here?

It’s nice outside why am I here?

I’m hungry.

I need more caffeine.

Why do they keep talking about their kids?

All I hear is blah blah blah.

I’m not eating for a while.

Remove all my teeth and give me implants. I’ll never be back here.

I would be better at oral sex.

I’m probably not getting any tonight.

If my phone vibrated I can’t hear it.

Next appointment? Jesus. Give me fake teeth.

It’s all the soda and sugar and shit.

Soda sounds good right now.

Is it over yet? Nope.

What the fuck is the that? You’re putting a wrench in my mouth?

If you’re going to kill me, make it fast.

Is it over yet?

Now?

Finally!

Old flame

“Kiss me,” he said.
I did and felt nothing.
It was like kissing a statue.
It’d be better if it was a statue.
The statue wouldn’t chase me forever.

He took my clothes off.
I did it without feeling a thing.
I thought ‘what the hell am I doing?’
I stopped in the middle of it.
I said I was burning though I wasn’t.
He believed me.

He asked me, “Would you have married me if I asked you too?”
I said, “Probably not. I don’t think I was ready for marriage.”
I made an excuse to leave and left.

Boy

has seizures
in the middle
of the night
he dreams of a girl
he can never have
she is married to
another man
he tries but can’t
find the words
besides
‘you’re pretty’
he can’t say it
to her face
he might explode
and die
unaware she likes
him too