Alright

I see how it is
curiosity killed the cat
that’s okay I probably
wouldn’t have taken it
I’m probably going
somewhere else in 2021

You know
you don’t know someone
based on their cover
you’re lucky to have
parents alive
I don’t
guess what?
It’s a reality you’ll
have to face someday
I just faced it sooner

I’m not an alien
I’m ahead of all
of you

Pandemic?
Guess what?
I wear a mask
everywhere
wash my hands
sanitize
and I still got
COVID!
I only visit
stores twice a month
maybe
and never eat out!

Why?
Well someone was
sick and selfish
put him seeing my
daughter over
everyone’s welfare

Older people care?
Please, they’re just
as ignorant!

So I’m supposed
to sit here and watch
you idiots?
Nope

You can either
live in fear
or accept reality

What do you want to know?

Meeting people for the first time and/or having to pick something to write or talk about in front of an audience.

I hardly doubt you want to hear about all the ugly things I did to get here. I hardly doubt you want to know what I do now. Why would you? It’s either not your thing, similar experience, or something you can stomach.

I’m going to have to tell you anyways. I’m not the best liar in the world.

You know I been kicked out, fired, ill popping prescription pills, and living off other people?

Or how about the time I would starve myself, hide away in my room and not talk to someone, met someone guy from Argentina I met online when I was a teenager, didn’t go to my prom — instead went to some party at a strangers house with my sister, lost my virginity in a hotel room with a guy I met online from Connecticut, posted nude pictures and videos on the internet, posed for playboy, and cheated on my boyfriend with my ex.

Or all these times that I still have some blind belief I actually did love my ex, cry myself to sleep, get drunk and cry myself to sleep, get drunk and text people I shouldn’t, and sit around bored as fuck on my computer with little ambition to do anything — yet try anyways.

And the times I still get rejected by someone or something. People still act like they know me, yet don’t know the first thing about me. They paint me out to be some creep, weirdo, enemy, or freak. Which I am not. It is funny because I never would judge them they way they judge me. So that’s fine. That’s great. I don’t care.

What else you want to know? Nevermind, I am DONE.

That Girl

Looks nothing like me.

She’s a more attractive and less annoying version of me.

Probably because she’s an image. 

 

We never met, probably because she would tell me to go fuck myself.

Scratch that, she wouldn’t say that because she knows I just might.

Then, look at me like I am fucking stupid.

 

Sounds nothing like me.

How I speak in public and how I speak and real life aren’t the same.

Public I’m more awkward and quiet.

In reality, my voice is more annoying.

 

Short conversations and inappropriate conversations only.

Guess that is how the person behind the image rolls.

 

Who knows.

I don’t know.

That girl.

Behind the photo.

 

 

 

You’re Partially Deaf? I’m not.

Mother — it is a blessing you can’t hear everything, trust me. …And I should be the one almost deaf. I have my IPhone up full of blast over an hour straight when I workout…

You want to hear the things I do? No you don’t. I have to pretend I am deaf. Here’s why, I pick up things like…

 

“Stupid bitch. Why don’t you ever do anything right?”

“Nobody likes you.”

“He’s a faggot.”

“She is a lesbian.”

“She has a boyfriend and girlfriend. She doesn’t know what she wants.”

“Yeah, he was with his other girlfriend last night.”

“I’m going to go home and smoke some weed. I hate my life.”

“I just wanna get high.”

“I love you bitch.”

“Suck my dick.”

“Why don’t you ever do anything right?”

“Yeah, I was so drunk last night.”

“He looks gay. Have you seen him?”

“Nigger.”

“Dumbass.”

“Fag.”

“I don’t know. I was stoned. Leave me alone.”

“Fucking jackass.”

“Fatass. She’s going to eat more twinkies.”

“Her ass is the size of Mexico.”

“Don’t tell my girlfriend.”

“I love you. Please don’t tell her.”

“She is like that because she likes girls. She has a dick in her pants.”

“Have you seen her dick?”

“Okay fine whatever. Stupid bitch. Suck my dick later.”

“Suck pussy then if you don’t like me. I know you got a girlfriend, don’t kid me.”

“She’s fucking ugly and disgusting.”

“Her boyfriend probably has a fake cock. Who the hell knows.”

 

How diets work

I’ll just eat less today.

Stuffs face with potato chips and pizza.

 

Maybe, if I ate more veggies…

Has a side of chocolate cake instead.

 

I’ll drink less alcohol.

Skips getting drunk once for a weekend.

 

I’ll stop eating so much junk.

Eats donuts for breakfast, McDonalds for lunch, snacks on candy the rest of the day until dinner… tacos.

 

Maybe, if I ate more protein.

Reeses is protein right? It has peanut butter.

 

I should stop drinking so much soda.

Replaces regular soda with diet.

 

I could stop drinking so much coffee.

LOL. I am not cutting back on my coffee.
 

Caffeine Abuse

It’s not a problem, everyone drinks it. Some drink it more than others.

It’s a huge part of our culture. People I see everyday don’t see it as a problem.

Only I acknowledge it as a potential problem.

 

I’m drinking 7 large ice coffees and 4 litters of soda in a week. The coffee is because I like it. The soda is because I feel tired or miserable. I use it to give me a high after I have been working out or doing work for hours.

I know it is bad. There is really nothing I can do. I can’t stop. It makes me wonder what the future will hold, like I’ll become an alcoholic or something if I have the money and easy access to it. I know once I start drinking, I can’t stop. I drink to get drunk — like I drink caffeine to get a high.

When I try to quit, I just go right back. My head hurts, I’m exhausted and miserable. I try to replace it with non-caffeinated soda or tea. That does nothing, I don’t like it. I am set in my ways. I go back to my ways.

If I could get professional help I would. That costs time and money which I don’t have. What I can do is at least try to control my impulses and energy. I can’t say I’m going to stop or drink less because I am compulsive. I need to find a way not to lose my mind and annoy everyone else around me when I am withdrawing.

Yet, nobody sees me withdrawing. Nobody sees me period.

 

This is an invisible illness.