‘Text an ex in isolation’

The dumbest headline I’ve seen all week.

If you’re single, okay. You have nothing to lose but your pride, ego, and mind. If you’re in a relationship, you’re playing with fire. Especially if your partner doesn’t know, it’s ‘emotionally cheating’ and leads to more drama than it’s worth. If you and your ex are able to be strictly friends, congratulations. That’s often not the case.

Been there, done that back in the day. Ultimately lead to me sleeping with them. Conflict? No, not really. More like okay, I’m completely over you and it wasn’t that good. What was I thinking? Hey, if that’s what you need to do to move on, go ahead. But if you’re trying to fill a void, it’s going to get you nowhere. Temporary fix for a problem. I know ‘isolation’ is boring and traumatic for some. What is talking to your ex going to do? Bring back things that should have stayed in the past.

I’m not saying you can’t fix it and get back together, and stay together. I’ve been there too. You know how many times my husband broke up and got back together? Too many. Because every time we broke up it lasted 24-72 hours. Eventually you need to grow the fuck and stop the bullshit. Yes, I’m quoting my mother and will probably say this to my daughter someday.

“Smile”

the strange man
following me around
at work today said
like him saying that
was going to get
a reaction from me
it didn’t
I went about my business
thinking it was rude
and obnoxious for him
to even say that
and wonder why
people still say that

Give me a reason too
say something funny
or don’t be an asshole
hell find me when I’m not
a work pretending not to feel
like garbage and having to
deal with everyone’s shit
with zero clue what the hell
is going on with me and my life

It’s insignificant and unimportant
we all have problems
the least we can do is not
invade the other person’s space
and say something stupid
to piss them off
but the truth is, not everyone can
and are publicly awkward individuals
with no perception of the world
or the people around them
in society
then there’s ones like me
that know and have no choice
but to deal with these people
and they wonder why
we aren’t rays of sunshine

Let’s pretend this is Twitter

In 140 characters or less babble nonsense…

 

-Dicks don’t solve problems, they create them.

-How many dumbasses does it take to screw a light bulb? None because they’re too stupid to figure it out!

-I wish I was drunk right now.

-Why are people so fucking stupid?

-Motherfuckers, stop emailing me! I’m not in college anymore!

-Thanks for the invitation, but you’re aware I don’t like you and still don’t give a fuck?

-I rather masturbate than have sex with you.

-I’m getting high off caffeine.

-My hair is yellow.

-Why does my butt look weird? I need to get my eyes checked.

-Two face lifts, plastic tits, and you’re still ugly? Go buy yourself a personality. Bitch.

-The point in life is to get drunk.

 

#Annoying #ExBoyfriend
999

Can I hang you? #DontTextMe #Whoareyou
ooo

tumblr_mcvsxo00su1qejsjco3_r1_500

 

My Secret Operation System

We all have one. If you say you don’t, you’re lying.

 

Don’t ask, don’t tell.

Simple as that. If you don’t seem at all interested, why would I tell you what I am doing or thinking at any given moment?

 

I prefer you don’t ask

I don’t like questions. So you must have very good communication skills or something to get information out of me. I’m very good at holding/withholding information, by the way.

 

List of things I won’t tell you:

Anything at all about my personal life or background.

I’m not stupid, I know better.

 

I really don’t care about your problems

You talk all you want, it willy only annoy and bore me. I won’t emphasize or sympathize with you, I’m not a fool.

And hey, I have my own problems as well. I don’t talk about them.  I certainly don’t bitch, moan, or complain either.

 

I will never thank you for criticism

I just won’t. Criticism is never a positive thing. There is nothing you can say or do to prove me wrong. Say whatever the fuck you want though, you will anyways. It doesn’t bother me.

 

I remember everything

Not returning my texts or emails? Okay, fine. In the future when you ask me for favors or want to talk to me, I won’t be around. It’s not a threat, it’s a promise. Do not underestimate my ability to ignore, remove, and block people that don’t matter from my life.

Treated me/people I actually know badly? I remember that. Don’t be blinded by me ‘accepting’ your friend request on Facebook, either. You know I only did that to see what the fuck you wanted. Nothing apparently, you just wanted to stalk me.

Things I do well.

Stuff my face with junk.
Chocolate. Chips. Cookies. Ice Cream.

 

Drink.
Coffee. Water. Vodka.

 

Sweat.
At the gym. Outside in the sun.

 

Swear.
Fuck. Fucking. Ass. Asshole. Suck my dick. Bitch. Cock.

 

Not sleep.
Watch videos. Look up stupid shit on the internet.

 

Have sex.
It’s amazing what a couple drinks can do.

 

Win an argument.
Call him a fucking asshole. I win. He likes it when I swear.

 

Get out of a ticket.
Lie. My turning signal just broke. I’m going home to fix it.

Things to do before I’m 30.

My sister requested I make this list. (And put lesbian number 3.)

1. Get a real job.
2. Move down south.
3. Be a lesbian. (I’m gay? Is it because I said I would be open to trying things with a woman?)
4. Make a porno.
5. Jump off an airplane.
6. Have sex on a beach.
7. Paint on a building. Hope it’s legal.
8. Tan outside naked.
9. Smoke pot at parties.
10. Get drunk off moonshine. That shit is good.
11. Turn my collection of sunglasses into artwork.
12. Have a threesome. One guy, two girls.
13. Write a song.
14. Get drunk and sing karaoke/dance on stage.
15. Make a YouTube video of me drunk.
16. Go in public with a bunch of paint on my face.
17. Tell a random person on the street to fuck off.
18. Have sex with an older rich guy.
19. Travel places.
20. Light stupid objects on fire.

… Pray to god I strike rich or marry money. Pray to god if I do marry by then, it’s not some asshole — and there are no kids.

Stumbling writing

Ever stubble across writing that seriously makes you question yourself. Your sanity? Relationships? You have don’t know what exactly you’re talking about.

Here’s my awful examples from a year ago. At least it’s a bit humorous.

I could,
I would,
I should
I’m in prison
until I figure out
how to leave
I’m screwed
I don’t want to be
here with you.

(Am I talking about my boyfriend or neighbor at the time?)

Stupid bitch,
must die.
She makes me wanna
get high.
Stuck-up.
Stupid bird-brain.
I watch her drain
her stupid mind.
Talk this,
smack that.
Whine and run
All over the place
like she’s hot shit.

(Who the fuck who is she. And I don’t do drugs — am I suggesting to myself I get high?)

 

Kill bitch
or not
Kill bitch
that is the question?

 

(Real, Real, Real intelligent Sandra — good job. I could be the next Shakespeare.)

Names for Disney Movies

Peter Pan = Puck Man

If I pucker my lips, I become a “grown up.” I’ll try it, but I’m going back to Neverland…

 

Cinderella = C U Later

Hurry up. Dance with my prince. Run home. Maybe I’ll see him again, maybe I won’t. Wait, he’s got my shoe…

 

Aladdin = All In

I can’t be myself. I must go all out. Wear flashy clothes, and brush my hair — to look handsome and worth a lot of money. Pray to god no one gets caught in my web of lies.

 

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs = A Stupid White Chick and Seven Dorks

The house must be clean. I can’t focus if it isn’t — especially with the seven roommates of mine who think I’m hot. Why? It couldn’t be because you’re the only chick in the area.

 

Beauty and the Beast = Bitch and the Bastard

If I could, I would spend all my time reading and dreaming — or simply scaring people away with my appearance. But wait, there’s more to life then this — show me?

 

Sleeping Beauty = Stupid Bitch

I’m just sleeping, sleeping, sleeping, and sleeping — my life away. When will my prince come and wake me up? Never? Okay — I guess that’s fine…

 

Pocahontas = Poke Your Ass

Hey dudes and chicks — did you know there’s more to life then killing creatures and owning land you have no right too? Do I need to stick a stick up your ass to get the message? — oh I can’t it has to be PG.

 

Mulan = Moron

I need to disguise myself as a man to bring honor to my family — being a woman isn’t enough. If I look like — act like a boy, I’m more likely to be accepted.

 

(Hundreds/thousands of years ago. It wouldn’t work in 2014, people can sense bullshit miles away.)