The tree

It’s not fall but the leaves are falling
off the tree in the middle of the field
it’s sunny but cold
it’s the end of June
I’m here
she’s not
she’s looking down upon me
asking me why I never listened
and if I gave up on my promise
I can’t answer her
her spirit is free
I lost mine to the devil

Guide to Self-Improvement

If you are like me, you think this is another pointless blog post telling you what to do to make your life better.

 

Like… Who are you? Are you an expert? What works you and other people won’t work for me! Unless I am really sick, how is that helpful?

 

Bingo. That’s the answer.

 

It’s not helpful. You have a functioning brain, mind, and body. The problem is you listen to people tell you, you have problems. You listen to them talk down to you, ignoring the fact they have problems too.

 

What to do?

 

Well, you live in you. You have the ability to create, think, and act for yourself. If something bothers you, you change it. If someone slams the door in your face, look for another. If your friends or so-called allies turn your back on you, find new ones. It’s not going to be easy, nothing ever is. You are you — nothing anyone or anything can take away from you. Nothing you are willing or should surrender to things or people that cause you more harm than good.

 

You own your mind, body, and spirit. No one else knows it. No one else controls it. No matter what they may think or try to have you believe. And please, do not listen to me either. I am typing words on a screen. I can’t guide you. I can’t improve you. I don’t know you. It’s all up to you.

 

Not empty words

Practice what I ‘preach’

not just an idea

philosophy I live by

 

What good are words if you don’t mean it?

 

What good are words if they are taken out of context?

 

No good

 

Some is just talk

 

I admit

I joke

I metaphor

 

Events change

 

Ideas change

 

What was originally said is revised

like the past I cannot live in

 

So what matters?

 

I am here

alive and present

in my

 

Mind

 

Body

 

Spirit

Caffeine Abuse

It’s not a problem, everyone drinks it. Some drink it more than others.

It’s a huge part of our culture. People I see everyday don’t see it as a problem.

Only I acknowledge it as a potential problem.

 

I’m drinking 7 large ice coffees and 4 litters of soda in a week. The coffee is because I like it. The soda is because I feel tired or miserable. I use it to give me a high after I have been working out or doing work for hours.

I know it is bad. There is really nothing I can do. I can’t stop. It makes me wonder what the future will hold, like I’ll become an alcoholic or something if I have the money and easy access to it. I know once I start drinking, I can’t stop. I drink to get drunk — like I drink caffeine to get a high.

When I try to quit, I just go right back. My head hurts, I’m exhausted and miserable. I try to replace it with non-caffeinated soda or tea. That does nothing, I don’t like it. I am set in my ways. I go back to my ways.

If I could get professional help I would. That costs time and money which I don’t have. What I can do is at least try to control my impulses and energy. I can’t say I’m going to stop or drink less because I am compulsive. I need to find a way not to lose my mind and annoy everyone else around me when I am withdrawing.

Yet, nobody sees me withdrawing. Nobody sees me period.

 

This is an invisible illness.