Weirder

The guy went from small talk to asking me about my tattoos — to suggesting he workouts at the same gym as me, next to me. Why? I don’t know. I think he’s messing with me, or is he? He sounded serious when he said he wants to join. Even if so, I probably won’t ever see him. He doesn’t get up that early.

I’m used to men saying things like that because they’re imagining my ass in some tight leggings working out. And there’s nothing hotter than a woman that can kick your ass? He knows I can why is he pulling my chain? It’s fun.

Forget the fact nothing will probably ever happen. It’s so much more fun wasting time and energy playing around with something you’ll never have.

‘But sis you’re obviously attracted to him too’ Attraction comes and goes. It doesn’t mean I’m going to sleep with him.

So, she thinks

I definitely have

a type 

blue eyes 

big arms 

black hair 

some facial hair 

only the last

and handful of guys

I rendezvous with 

no wonder why

I’m drawn to him

what will happen?

probably nothing 

but hey, if I really 

wanted it too;

it would

they don’t know

how to react

around you

the ball is in 

your field

So, he thinks

I would

bang her but no

she’s younger than me

married and has

a daughter 

that’d be wrong 

on many levels 

and I am what?

out of shape 

she could

kick my ass

that’s kinda of hot 

but who am I kidding? 

never

she’s a little too giggly

towards me I can’t send

her the wrong vibe 

I’m not interested 

I like talking to her 

she’s interesting but 

can’t spell my name?

unless she did that

on purpose

how is she a writer 

if she can’t spell?

her titles are fucked up

I can’t find her on the internet 

why?

Coming out as straight

I’m sorry people on the internet and people for coming out as bisexual in college. I made bisexuality look like a phase because it was for me. Two seconds with a woman I was like ‘this is gross, never again!’ I don’t think it’d matter if I was in a threesome against my will, I’d still have the same reaction!

Vaginas leak fluid. Vaginas sweat and smell bad if you don’t wash them or wash them correctly! Some have more hair than others. If you’re into that, fine. I’m not. I’d rather have a penis that comes in different sizes and colors. Some have more hair on their ball sacks than others. So. Well you don’t have to worry about them leaking any other fluid besides cum in your mouth.

Too graphic? Oh well. I assume most of you are over 18 and can handle it.

I’ve made my point. I am a woman that likes men. I am ‘straight’ ignoring all the screws up in my head lose. Every time I had an affair it was random or some muscular guy with tanned skin and blue eyes. I have a thing for guys with nice arms. Everything else doesn’t really matter.

Oh and I got knocked up after a night drinking margaritas. The millionth time I took plan B it didn’t work. At least I know who the father is, my husband.

Early first semester

Congestion
I thought I was getting sick
but obviously not if that’s
the only issue I had for a few weeks
now comes the bloating
and sore boobs
heavens forbid I sit still
for a minute I feel like I’m going to burst
and it looks like I’ve gained weight
actually I haven’t
there’s way too much going on
in there I apparently didn’t know about
but can certainly feel at night
or when I have to do a
million jump squats
time to make a doctors appointment
to state what I already know
meantime enjoy wanting to fall
asleep at 7pm but the fact I can’t
because I’m still at work
and going home to put a heating pad
on my boobs
and I’m like, why the hell do people
want to do this?
this was an accident

‘What about us?’

He wondered
all the times he saw me
and I pretended he didn’t exist
I told him to leave me alone
I was trouble and didn’t know
what I wanted
though we both knew that
was a lie
and I wanted the badass
it wasn’t just psychical
I thought
we had a connection
I loved him
or I said I did anyway
to shot the other guy down
it worked
but he didn’t stop
looking at me
thinking of me
or being hurt
each and everyday
I intentionally ignored
the hell out of him
to push him away
not face the obvious
sexual attraction
and tension between us

Why?
in my mind it was
the right thing to do
I had two much going on
with two other people
last I needed was a third
I thought if I let him go
he’d find someone
that deserves him
that’s not as wild
and unpredictable as me
someone he doesn’t claim

‘led him on’ like I did
though I didn’t
it just didn’t happen
at the time
whether or not it will
that’s for us to decide
until then people will
say and think whatever
the hell they want
so what
we finally started talking again

When you refuse birth control

Doctor
What form of birth control are you using?

 

You
None.

 

Doctor
You don’t use condoms, the pill, or patch?

 

You
(hesitates)
Condoms.

 

Doctor
You got a girlfriend, boyfriend?

 

You
(laugh)
No girlfriend, boyfriend.

 

Doctor
You never know these days.

 

You wonder why the hell the doctor assumed you were gay because you denied birth control. I mean, maybe you don’t have sex, physically can’t get pregnant, or prefer the withdrawal method? Whatever. It wouldn’t be the doctor’s business either way. You didn’t go to the doctors to discuss/get on birth control. But because it was a checkup and you’re a woman, you get asked about it. If you were a man, you wouldn’t.

Threesome: Is it cheating?

You’re all adults. You’re old enough to decide who you sleep with, how many people you sleep with, and what you do in the bedroom. Unless you were raped, you can’t say you did something you didn’t want to do.

(Of course drugs or alcohol could influence your decision but it was your choice to put that into your body.)

You want to accuse your partner of cheating or being unfaithful because they had sex with someone else in front of you. But then, you had sex with the same person they did. You think it was ‘same sex’ so it doesn’t count. It still counts, your were all over each other.

If your primary partner has sex with the third person when you leave, it’s cheating. You did not discuss or agree to that. They did it behind your back. Neither one of them are faithful and cannot be trusted. Forget them.

Life questions

If I think another girl is hot, does it make me a lesbian?
Only if you don’t like men.

Can I get pregnant from masturbation?
That’s why you’re $100,000 in debt. Child support.

Is it okay to date two people at once?
Can you live with herpes?

Why can’t I get pregnant?
Did you try having sex?

Why am I so miserable?
You’re not getting laid.

Why am I still single?
Because you’re asking me why you’re single.

Why don’t they like me?
They’re losers.

Am I going to get a better job?
Call a psychic.