Romantic lines in bed

Replace ‘romantic’ with ‘married’.

 

Him

Wanna get pregnant?

You like that?

You’re tighter, who are you sleeping with?

Open your legs.

Did ___ (an ex) do that?

Hurry up.

I’m about too…

I’ve gas.

I’m tired.

 

Her

Hahahaha I’m drunk.

Bite me.

Shut up.

Stop talking.

Odd questions at work

Do you have a razor blade?
Yes, I totally come to work and shave my business! Not.

How tall are you?
How tall does it look? I’m not short or tall. I’m boring average.

Do you have any tissues?
Nope. Let me not check my bag or car. Still no. If you’re sick, should you really be at work with what’s going on?

Where can I find windex?
Have you tried the store or Walmart? I’m not packing that either.

You’re pretty, did you take my money?
I don’t sell shit, so no. If you’re applying you’ll pay me $1,000+ for a stupid chair maybe I should reconsider.

How long have you been married?
3 years next month. Means nothing. We’d been together 8+ years. Why? You’re not my type. As if I really have a type, I don’t… very minimum he can’t be slow.

What is your relationship with the owner?
I have none. A few interactions here and there.

Have you ever pissed him off?
Not yet, or that I know of. I’m not trying to get fired or my hours cut!

Cancelled in 2020

My job
I was working at
for about 4 years
given the opportunity
to come back
I didn’t
they kept us in
the dark
another one that
pays more came along
I took it

My toxic relationship
with my ex supervisor
no we couldn’t be
professional
he asked me for pics
and I felt like he was
constantly trying to
manipulate and hang
me for not picking him

My gym membership
at that health club
I had for a year
they kept charging us
when they closed their doors
and I can’t help but
remember how rude
the desk people were
and that one old man that
basically singled me out
every MMA class I took

My routine
I got up early to
run or rollerblade
during the pandemic
I didn’t have the luxury
to do anything else in
the morning with
everyone sleeping

All those
opportunities
phone calls
emails
voicemails
unanswered
why?
they don’t fit
like the majority
of these masks
they make us wear

What things mean before & after you marry

“Pay attention to me”

Before
I want to cuddle/have sex.

After
You’re not listening. Shut up. Why don’t you give me a massage anymore? Let’s cuddle. Nevermind, I’m bored let’s have sex and fall asleep.

 

“I’m fine”

Before
I’m not telling you what’s wrong. I guess you’ll see.

After
You should know what the issue is. I’m quiet because I’m pissed. Anything to say or do after this point may or may not be held against you.

 

“I’m not happy in our relationship”

Before
I’m not convinced you’re the one for me and need reasons to stay.

After
You’re walking on thin ice, be careful.

 

“You have pretty eyes”

Before
I really think you do…

After
I want something.

 

“How much money do you have in your account?”

Before
I’d never ask you that.

After
I want you to make my car payment.

 

“How much did you spend on that?”

Before
It looks cheap/expensive.

After
You better not have spent too much. If you do, why aren’t you pitching more in for bills and stuff?

 

“I love you”

Before
Nothing, genuinely do.

After
I only say it when I want something.

 

“I’m sick of doing all the work”

Before
Probably actually referring to work.

After
Referring to work, relationship, house, and/or bed.

Ava A-Z

A is for Ava
B is for baby, you’re my baby
C is for color, you currently like all
D is for dad, you don’t listen to him
E is for every morning and night, I‘m the first one you see when you wake and the one to put you to sleep
F is for fire, you are a fire sign that’s in love with Frozen
G is for girl, you’re my girl
H is for Hocus Pocus, you stole my Hocus Pocus blanket like you did Frozen
I is for ice cream, a few bites and we regret giving it to you
J is for July, you were born in July 24, 2019
K is for kid, I didn’t want a kid but I had you and I don’t regret it
L is for love, of course you are my love
M is for mom, I am your mom
N is for nobody, don’t listen to nobody’s bullshit
O is for one, I can’t believe you’re going to be one
P is for Pikachu, between 4-9 months old I played videos of him and you smiled and stopped crying
Q is for quick, you are like your mother
R is for read, you like being read too
S is for summer, the season you were born
T is for talk, you can say a few words but only when you want too
U is for unicorn, one of your favorite books is ‘Peekaboo Unicorn’
V is voice, you like your Frozen dolls that have a voice
W is for walking and water, you were walking around 10 months and loved playing and splashing in water since 3 months
X is for xylophone, I hope I don’t regret getting it for your birthday
Y is for yellow, I believe that was your favorite color because it was the first one you’ve seen
Z is for zero, I don’t care who messes with you…they’re done

Memories of my dad?

He would take me to the store
to go grocery shopping and out
for ice cream every week
with my mother’s paycheck
he didn’t work
he used to be a cook
in the coast guard
he retired

Of course,
I didn’t know that
when I was super young
I sat on his big belly
and ate popcorn
the neighbors
thought he was ‘mexican’
or part ‘black’
because he had tan skin

I know he’s not
I tan well too and
took a DNA test
I’m 100% European
a fancy way to say
‘Caucasian’

I remember the times
he forced us to go to
church and slapped me
once on my side
because I was having
a tantrum
later he apologized
he didn’t know how to
punish kids
that’s why I was
running around
and getting in trouble
while he was at the casino
drinking and gambling away
all my mother’s money

Then they split when I was 11
my mother moved us in
with a narcissistic asshole
that said he ‘thought of
himself as our father’
my father tried to visit
us once and he got into
a fight with my mother
that was the end of that
he called us only
on or around holidays
sometimes our mother
had us go to church on
holidays to see him
that’s it

But he continued to call
and still does to this day
I hardly ever answer
I’m 30
he’s a stranger to me
but he’s showed up when
my daughter was born
the man that thought
of himself as my father
didn’t, he fell out
the moment my mother died
to another woman’s arms
and sent us a ‘goodbye’
text a few days after
Ava was born

And he wondered why
I never said ‘happy fathers day’
being there to be there
doesn’t make you
neither does sperm apparently
but thank you,
I hardly ever sunburn

My only hope now
is my daughter
has a father
even though I can’t
promise we’ll be
together forever

Footage of an ‘Aquarius moon’ experiencing emotions

.
..

I don’t feel anything. I’m emotionally numb and retarded. The only emotions I know are lust, desire, passion, and anger. I only feel lust, desire, and passion in bed. After I do it there’s nothing there. I’m empty. Someone pisses me off, I turn in 2 seconds to a raging asshole. Do I yell? Not unless I’m married to you. Strangers, acquittances, and co-workers I can forget about just as fast as they pissed me off. But if, I don’t I have some history, relationship, or interest in you — it’s different. I stay mad longer. Sometimes I don’t realize I’m mad until I’m alone in my head. Do anything about it? I try. But sometimes, the physical and creative work I do isn’t enough. So I get drunk and high a bit. It does nothing but get me out of myself. Do I have a problem? No. I don’t think drinking a few times a month or smoking weed once a blue moon means you have a problem. It’s a problem when you use them as a crutch. I don’t. I wish I could but that’s not me. I have a daughter now. I would never put her or myself in that position. I don’t even do those things when she’s around. I don’t judge people but they judge me. I don’t care enough about people in general to care what they’re doing.

‘Hippie girl’ issues

She’s supposed to be in a ‘committed’ relationship but she wanders. She flirts with other people. She won’t necessarily sleep with them unless they get stuck in her brain. Should she have the opportunity? She probably would. Men love her. Women that know her business are either jealous or call her a whore behind her back. She doesn’t care. She doesn’t really believe in restrictions or negativity. If you want to do something, do it. You’re an adult. Why the fuck do people care what you do? They’re not doing anything. They’re not as careless and free as you. It’s not to say, she’s completely heartless and can’t love. She does. She’s passionate as hell. She has a hard time letting go, she lets things run it’s course. The problem is; sometimes she loves, likes, or desires more than one person at a time. That’d create conflict with the more ‘conventional’ people. She’s not an Aquarius sun, she’s a Scorpio sun with Aquarius moon and rising in the first house. She has more of a heart of an Aquarius than an Aquarius sun does.

14 reasons relationships suck

Missed Valentine’s Day this year so here’s 14 thoughts about why relationships are stupid.



1. If you’re dating, you’re obligated to buy something for your partner every holiday. Miss one? See what happens.

2. At one point you’ll be asked when you’re going to commit, if you’re already committed they ask you when you’re going to be single.

3. You can’t always say what you’re thinking unless you want to create tension or have an argument.

4. You can’t spend money on whatever the hell you want without your partner either getting suspicious or bitching at you for spending.

5. You’ve been in a relationship or married a while? Your romance is dead. The letters, gifts, and spontaneity died a while ago.

6. Your sex sessions got less and/or shorter. Why? You’ve done everything at this point and your partner feels like they no longer have to work for it. They just want to hit it and go back to sleep.

7. Unless you have an open relationship, you can’t sleep with whoever you want if those needs aren’t being met.

8. You can be attracted too one or multiple people when you’re still in a relationship but again, can’t act upon unless you want drama.

9. You have to listen to your partner talk about shit you don’t care about.

10. Third parties get involved or give their opinion about what is or isn’t working in your relationship.

11. People ask when you’re going to have kids. If you already have kids, they ask you when you’re having more!

12. You’re either morally or legally abided to them. (Like marriage, you can’t just get out without getting a lawyer involved.)

13. Emotions, feelings, tend to get involved. You’re not sure if you signed up for that shit.

14. You can’t just always say and do whatever the hell you want. You have to consider your partner at times too.

“King Arthur”

they called you
you were extremely tall
Irish and slammed down
beer faster than the rest
of your frat friends

I called you
“Teddy Bear”
I was intoxicated
it was my first night
partying at the age of 21
you were a bit older
and left this scene behind
before I even started it
but you took me out

Did I kiss you?
Did I sleep with you?
I don’t remember.
The fall passed.
Christmas came.

You took me as a date
to an old frat friend’s party
I wore a tight black dress
I thought I heard someone
call me a slutty hillbilly
I looked behind me
and saw this chubby bitch
starring a hoke through me

I grabbed him
and danced with him
we got drunk
left the place to hook up
she watched us
angrily

Valentine’s Day came.
I stayed with him in a hotel.
I had my period so we did it
in the shower.

I haven’t seen him since
He broke up with me on
St. Patrick’s day
after his friend messaged me
asking what happened to him
he apparently got intoxicated
and admitted to a hospital
we were long distance
I didn’t have a clue

I cried at work
and got fired
he ended up marrying
the ‘chubby bitch’ and had kids
I moved on, one thing after another
I eventually got married
hated it and had a kid

He’d probably say
congratulations
that’s not what I wanted in life
but I’m sorry, I’m not a
hillbilly whore
I lived my life
I go “Back to December”
never