Odd questions at work

Do you have a razor blade?
Yes, I totally come to work and shave my business! Not.

How tall are you?
How tall does it look? I’m not short or tall. I’m boring average.

Do you have any tissues?
Nope. Let me not check my bag or car. Still no. If you’re sick, should you really be at work with what’s going on?

Where can I find windex?
Have you tried the store or Walmart? I’m not packing that either.

You’re pretty, did you take my money?
I don’t sell shit, so no. If you’re applying you’ll pay me $1,000+ for a stupid chair maybe I should reconsider.

How long have you been married?
3 years next month. Means nothing. We’d been together 8+ years. Why? You’re not my type. As if I really have a type, I don’t… very minimum he can’t be slow.

What is your relationship with the owner?
I have none. A few interactions here and there.

Have you ever pissed him off?
Not yet, or that I know of. I’m not trying to get fired or my hours cut!

Odd fellow

What did you have for lunch? Pumpkin donuts. Yeah, real healthy I’m aware. I’m too lazy and careless to bother with anything else.

Are you on Facebook? I have one but I don’t use it. I’m only tagged in videos and pictures of my daughter. Who seriously asks that these days? Are you gonna friend request me? Haha.

How long have you been married? It’d be three years in October… Why?

How long have you been together? It’d be nine years in October. Why? Is it because I look young? We met in our early 20s, we’re 30. No we didn’t stay together the entire time, we went through on and offs and ups and downs.

What’s his name? What is this the third degree? Are you the police going to investigate him? Or just nosey?

What does he do for a living? He’s an accountant. More like a puppet that hits buttons on a computer all day. Exact opposite of anything and everything I do.

Has he met the owner? No. Why the hell?

What things mean before & after you marry

“Pay attention to me”

Before
I want to cuddle/have sex.

After
You’re not listening. Shut up. Why don’t you give me a massage anymore? Let’s cuddle. Nevermind, I’m bored let’s have sex and fall asleep.

 

“I’m fine”

Before
I’m not telling you what’s wrong. I guess you’ll see.

After
You should know what the issue is. I’m quiet because I’m pissed. Anything to say or do after this point may or may not be held against you.

 

“I’m not happy in our relationship”

Before
I’m not convinced you’re the one for me and need reasons to stay.

After
You’re walking on thin ice, be careful.

 

“You have pretty eyes”

Before
I really think you do…

After
I want something.

 

“How much money do you have in your account?”

Before
I’d never ask you that.

After
I want you to make my car payment.

 

“How much did you spend on that?”

Before
It looks cheap/expensive.

After
You better not have spent too much. If you do, why aren’t you pitching more in for bills and stuff?

 

“I love you”

Before
Nothing, genuinely do.

After
I only say it when I want something.

 

“I’m sick of doing all the work”

Before
Probably actually referring to work.

After
Referring to work, relationship, house, and/or bed.

FAQ Bitch I’m 30

How old is your baby?
Currently 6 months old.

Are you having another one?
I didn’t plan the first one. There’s no way I’m even thinking about having another one!

How much do you sleep?
I go to bed after 9pm, I’m up around 1am to feed her, and up again around 4am. You do the math. Sometimes I sleep an hour before I go to work if I’m lucky.

How’s your husband?
A fucking asshole as usual. He got fired for running his mouth. I’m not supporting his ass!

How are you?
What version do you want? A filtered answer or the truth? I’m fine. Nobody really cares how you are, it’s a greeting nobody also cares to answer.

I’m not going to tell you I don’t see the point in shit anymore. I have a headache and I’m probably planning something.

Whats your deal with cowboys, why do you keep mentioning them?
I mentioned them for a few days? Probably because something I was thinking of writing. When I think of the ‘bad boys’ of my past I think of the country men I dated. They liked to drink and not really settle down. A few I had an open relationship, friends with benefits or causal sex deal with. It was nothing but fun.

Oh, I thought you had a crush on one?
Meh. No. For a second I was attracted to someone that reminds me of one. Then I went home and had sex with husband and thought nothing of him.

There’s a difference between crush and attraction. Crush, you think about them a lot. Attraction is when you see them and you’re like, they’re hot. Then you go home and have sex with your partner and think nothing of them.

Why are you married?
He’s an asshole but he’s my asshole. He’s been on this roller coaster with me for 8 years now — 6 dating, 2 married. He can be sweet and thoughtful when he wants — like me.

So you’re cheating on your husband?
No. I’m too busy fucking my husband when I’m not busy with other shit.

Are you high?
I wish. Shit it’s been a while since I’ve been high. Maybe that’s my issue. Haha.

How do you do it?
Do what? The answer is always caffeine.

How old are you?
I’m 30. Still 30 for the next 9 months.

What are you working on?
Another story that may or may not sell. But hey, I keep things interesting and moving unlike most of the population. I’m probably not giving it to Amazon, that’s my mistake. They take most of the little profit you make. You need to go through a real publisher and also sell your shit there.

What is your genre?
I need to stick to a genre? I do whatever the hell I want.

Why aren’t you on Facebook?
If you’ve been following me a while or know me in real life, you know I fucking hate Facebook. It reminds me of family reunions I never go too!

Why isn’t your husband on your accounts/you never mention him?
That’s not true, I do from time to time but nobody listens! Haha. He doesn’t have an Instagram (thank god that’d drive everyone nuts) and I don’t need nor want to put my personal relationship shit online. The only time that shit is cute is when you’re in your early 20s and start dating — yeah, we used to be that couple.

And yes, I’m aware he’s on Facebook. It’s me that has an issue with it. He actually uses it to connect with old friends and family, I don’t. So, he has his own space and I have mine. I’m secure enough in my relationship and skin I don’t even care what he does online. I don’t check any of his shit. He doesn’t check mine.

She returns

I remember her
her green eyes
her blonde hair
her lips on my lips
her body on mine
the golden bikini
she wore the first time
I saw her dance

I watched her
year after year
closer than
he ever did
every time they fought
she came to me
I told her nothing
of myself
but listened to her
I showed her a knife
and said I’d kill her
if she leaves me for him
she did anyway

I messaged her
year after year
waiting for a response
from her
it never came
until one day she said
“I’m married” to him

I hoped she said
“I’m getting a divorce,
you were right he’s not the one
you were some much better in bed”
she said nothing about us

Misconception about Men

“They don’t care.”
“They cheat on me.”
“They’re abusive.”

 

I sat here for once
staring at my screen
receiving nothing but messages
from men about their woman…

 

I think she’s cheating on me
she lies to me all the time
She had sex with another guy
she said he was better in bed
He probably has a bigger penis than I do
that’s why she wants him
She’s pregnant and I don’t
think I’m the father
We had a great time now she
ignores all my messages
She broke up with me for
no reason
She told me she cuts herself
but never told me why

 

I love her and would do anything for her
Me: Does she know that?
I told her, she’s my soulmate
I think about her all the time
I can’t get her out of my mind
why couldn’t she tell me?
Me: Perhaps…
I want your honest opinion
Me: Somethings not right in her head
and she’s seeing someone else

Make it or Break it?

Laws of attraction? Everyone is different and don’t look for the same thing in their potential lovers. These are my make it/break it things. Don’t take this too seriously, I mean nothing by it. My only intention is to get you thinking about what your make it/break it.

 
 

Men

 

Make it
Some facial hair

Break it
Looks like a pedophile

 

Make it
Nice short hair

Break it
Long hair

 

Make it
Nice arms

Break it
I have more muscles than him

 

Women

 

Make it
Born a female

Break it
Use to be a man

 

Make it
Beautiful hair

Break it
Short hair or weird colors

 

Make it
Nice legs

Break it
Big muscular arms

 

Both genders

 

Make it
Are in good shape

Break it
Obese

 

Make it
Can have an interesting conversation with

Break it
Only knows about a few subjects

 

Make it
A sense of humor

Break it
Dry, boring

 

Make it
Is also a writer and/or creative type of person

Break it
Has an issue with writers and/or creative people

 

Make it
Likes to have fun and try new things

Break it
Would rather watch television all day

 

Make it
Doesn’t smoke, abuse drugs or alcohol

Break it
Smokes, abuses drugs or alcohol

 

Make it
No kids

Break it
Kids

Facebook Use

When it comes to dating, we want to know what we are getting into before we make that commitment. A way to do that before we agree to setup a date — Facebook. What a person has on their timeline says a lot about them.

If they don’t post a lot, they have a job or don’t care much about social media. If they frequently post, it can tell you a lot about their activities or opinions. If they have a lot of pictures of them hanging out at the bar, you probably want to run. If they are conservative and you’re not, you probably want to run. You shouldn’t read into what goes on their timeline but you should read red flags.

If they have a lot of friends, they either know a lot of people in real life or added a lot of people on Facebook. Don’t mistake their status’, likes, or friendships for them actually having a life. In reality, they could be spending their Friday night on Facebook. If they have a few friends or their friend list isn’t showing, you have to get to know them to know about their relationships. They are private and do not have shallow relationships. It’s obvious on the surface they are not self-promoters.

If they take a lot of selfies, they have way too much time on their hands. Think about it… How much time does it take to a picture, edit it, and select the proper one? A couple of hours. Now if you’re doing that multiple times a week, you have nothing better to do. Would you want to date someone that isn’t productive and probably conceited, shallow, and lonely? Probably not. You know they’re going to be more self-concerned.

If they like or comment on a bunch of things, they are impulsive and bored. It’s not a bad thing unless they have an addiction to social media. When they start doing questionable things, you should probably talk to them. By talk to them, I mean really talk to them. Don’t message them on Facebook or send a text message. The only thing you should talk to them about is what is on their mind. Don’t bring up what they do on Facebook unless you have a reason like you saw a photo of them tagged with another girl/guy.

Questions you shouldn’t ask

INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY

GIRL (20s) and GUY (20s) sit on the couch in front of the television. Guy takes out his cell phone and strolls through his text messages. Girl looks at him furiously.

GIRL

Who are you texting?

GUY

My sister.

GIRL

Thought you said you don’t have a sister?

GUY

Right, it’s my mother.

GIRL

You said your mother is dead.

GUY

Fuck.

GIRL

YOU.

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK — DAY
Guy and Girl sit on the beach. Kids behind them LAUGH and SCREAM. They stare at each other.

GUY

What were you doing last night?

GIRL

I told you, I was working.

GUY

Then why were you posting Facebook status’ at 4am?

GIRL

I wasn’t! Check the time.

Guy moves closer to Girl. His face turns red, his eyes water.

GUY

Don’t need too, I know you were out with him. Why don’t you admit it!?

Girl backs away from Guy.

GIRL

With who? My brother.

GUY

Your ex. If not, why are you still talking to him?

GIRL

Why are you going through my text messages?

GUY

It couldn’t be because you cheated on me once.

GIRL

You’re dumb.

Girl gets up and walks away.

I drive by his house

Not by choice

It is the fastest route to get where I am supposed to be

It saves time, money, and energy

I live in the country

If I were to take to fastest route, I would have to drive in my town

to take the highway

I don’t have the time to search for a different method

It would be a waste of my energy

— he’s not that important

 

If he was that important

He wouldn’t have let me go like that

He didn’t like what I wrote in the final text I sent it

I made it clear what I wanted

He rejected but still wanted to be my ‘friend’

‘Friend’ meant fuck buddy

I decided enough was enough and I shot my mouth off

In a second, he was gone

I haven’t heard from since

 

But I get to see his house

when I drive to that city

That place it all happened

That place I hate with a passion

That place I wish I could erase

from my mind

But I can’t

A year later I got the ‘privilege’ of going back there

to study

(I got accepted in all the schools I applied too.

I just had to pick this one, probably because my mother.)

Not what I wanted

But I had no choice

But to sacrifice enormous amounts of money I don’t have

time, energy, and my well-being

 

For what?

What is the point?

 

So I can re-live what happened

again, again, until I go insane?

Or to put him in his cardboard-box shaped house

where he belongs.

He doesn’t belong with his motor vehicles and cars

He is immobile

He is stuck in that place

I am not

I am driving