Odd questions at work

Do you have a razor blade?
Yes, I totally come to work and shave my business! Not.

How tall are you?
How tall does it look? I’m not short or tall. I’m boring average.

Do you have any tissues?
Nope. Let me not check my bag or car. Still no. If you’re sick, should you really be at work with what’s going on?

Where can I find windex?
Have you tried the store or Walmart? I’m not packing that either.

You’re pretty, did you take my money?
I don’t sell shit, so no. If you’re applying you’ll pay me $1,000+ for a stupid chair maybe I should reconsider.

How long have you been married?
3 years next month. Means nothing. We’d been together 8+ years. Why? You’re not my type. As if I really have a type, I don’t… very minimum he can’t be slow.

What is your relationship with the owner?
I have none. A few interactions here and there.

Have you ever pissed him off?
Not yet, or that I know of. I’m not trying to get fired or my hours cut!

Odd fellow

What did you have for lunch? Pumpkin donuts. Yeah, real healthy I’m aware. I’m too lazy and careless to bother with anything else.

Are you on Facebook? I have one but I don’t use it. I’m only tagged in videos and pictures of my daughter. Who seriously asks that these days? Are you gonna friend request me? Haha.

How long have you been married? It’d be three years in October… Why?

How long have you been together? It’d be nine years in October. Why? Is it because I look young? We met in our early 20s, we’re 30. No we didn’t stay together the entire time, we went through on and offs and ups and downs.

What’s his name? What is this the third degree? Are you the police going to investigate him? Or just nosey?

What does he do for a living? He’s an accountant. More like a puppet that hits buttons on a computer all day. Exact opposite of anything and everything I do.

Has he met the owner? No. Why the hell?

Honest interview

Tell me about yourself.
I’m a grownass woman. I’m married and have a one year old. I come from a history of shit jobs and have a college education. Oh, and I published some books you’ll never read on Amazon.

Why do you want to work for this company?
I don’t. I applied because you pay more per hour.

How much experience do you have in this field?
What you mean pushing buttons? Haha. It’s so easy my one year could do it.

Can you stand for a long period of time?
Have you even read my resume?

What makes you the ideal candidate for this job?
I don’t give a fuck.

Can you tell me more about your last job?
The owner didn’t want to pay me. The supervisor was trying to sleep with me. He knows I slept with a former supervisor and thought maybe I would. Haha. No.

Where do you see yourself within this company in 5 years?
I don’t. I don’t even want to work for you and have all these responsibilities dumped upon me.

Can you tell me about a time you went above and beyond?
For what? To get laid or paid? Lmao. Never. Nobody ever paid attention or gave two shits what I did.

Are you a team player?
Define what you mean. Are we playing a sport? Maybe. Are you trying to dump everyone’s shit on me? Fuck off.

How soon of a notice do you need if we were to hire you?
Soon enough so I can piss people off.

Questions I get as a writer

What do you write?
Depends. Do I feel like traveling all over the place? Killing and/or haunting characters? Adding some magic or mind control shit? I like to keep things interesting and don’t stick to anything specific.

How much money do you make?
Let’s just say, I didn’t quit my ‘actual’ job. If you’re a writer or starting out as one, don’t expect to make anything. If you do, it won’t be much.

How many copies have you sold?
Maybe a dozen or more. I don’t know. I don’t look at numbers. I’m an indie writer, not a best seller…

How much of this is true?
Of what is true? Are you referring to the one ‘fictional biography’ I made of myself? Maybe a little, maybe a lot, maybe all of it… I’m not going to tell you publicly.

You’re twisted.
Well, yeah most of us are. I think to be a writer or at least an interesting one, you have to be. You have to be able to put yourself in different places. If you’re not willing to go there mentally, don’t write about it.

FAQ Bitch I’m 30

How old is your baby?
Currently 6 months old.

Are you having another one?
I didn’t plan the first one. There’s no way I’m even thinking about having another one!

How much do you sleep?
I go to bed after 9pm, I’m up around 1am to feed her, and up again around 4am. You do the math. Sometimes I sleep an hour before I go to work if I’m lucky.

How’s your husband?
A fucking asshole as usual. He got fired for running his mouth. I’m not supporting his ass!

How are you?
What version do you want? A filtered answer or the truth? I’m fine. Nobody really cares how you are, it’s a greeting nobody also cares to answer.

I’m not going to tell you I don’t see the point in shit anymore. I have a headache and I’m probably planning something.

Whats your deal with cowboys, why do you keep mentioning them?
I mentioned them for a few days? Probably because something I was thinking of writing. When I think of the ‘bad boys’ of my past I think of the country men I dated. They liked to drink and not really settle down. A few I had an open relationship, friends with benefits or causal sex deal with. It was nothing but fun.

Oh, I thought you had a crush on one?
Meh. No. For a second I was attracted to someone that reminds me of one. Then I went home and had sex with husband and thought nothing of him.

There’s a difference between crush and attraction. Crush, you think about them a lot. Attraction is when you see them and you’re like, they’re hot. Then you go home and have sex with your partner and think nothing of them.

Why are you married?
He’s an asshole but he’s my asshole. He’s been on this roller coaster with me for 8 years now — 6 dating, 2 married. He can be sweet and thoughtful when he wants — like me.

So you’re cheating on your husband?
No. I’m too busy fucking my husband when I’m not busy with other shit.

Are you high?
I wish. Shit it’s been a while since I’ve been high. Maybe that’s my issue. Haha.

How do you do it?
Do what? The answer is always caffeine.

How old are you?
I’m 30. Still 30 for the next 9 months.

What are you working on?
Another story that may or may not sell. But hey, I keep things interesting and moving unlike most of the population. I’m probably not giving it to Amazon, that’s my mistake. They take most of the little profit you make. You need to go through a real publisher and also sell your shit there.

What is your genre?
I need to stick to a genre? I do whatever the hell I want.

Why aren’t you on Facebook?
If you’ve been following me a while or know me in real life, you know I fucking hate Facebook. It reminds me of family reunions I never go too!

Why isn’t your husband on your accounts/you never mention him?
That’s not true, I do from time to time but nobody listens! Haha. He doesn’t have an Instagram (thank god that’d drive everyone nuts) and I don’t need nor want to put my personal relationship shit online. The only time that shit is cute is when you’re in your early 20s and start dating — yeah, we used to be that couple.

And yes, I’m aware he’s on Facebook. It’s me that has an issue with it. He actually uses it to connect with old friends and family, I don’t. So, he has his own space and I have mine. I’m secure enough in my relationship and skin I don’t even care what he does online. I don’t check any of his shit. He doesn’t check mine.

Postpartum test

If you’re a woman, you’ve only received the Edinburgh postpartum depression test at every postpartum appointment after you had a baby…

 



1. I have been able to laugh and see the funny side of things
As much as I always could

In my normal sarcastic haha go fuck yourself way.

 

2. I have looked forward with enjoyment to things
As much as I ever did

Everyone and everything sucks, is boring, or a waste of time.

 

3. I have blamed myself unnecessarily when things went wrong
No, never

There’s a 1% chance it’s my fault. I hardly screwup, it’s everyone else.

 

4. I have been anxious or worried for no good reason
Hardly ever

It depends, how many people are going to be in my space?

 

5. I have felt scared or panicky for no very good reason
No, not at all

I haven’t heard from whatshisface in a while so I’m good.

 

6. Things have been getting on top of me
No, I have been coping as well as ever.

If you count getting at least 4 hours of sleep every night we’ll, I’m doing fantastic. Sometimes if I’m lucky I get to nap 2 hours a week.

 

7. I have been so unhappy that I have had difficulty sleeping
No, not at all

I need to be sleeping to have difficulty sleeping.

 

8. I have felt sad or miserable
Not very often

I mean it is fall my birthday and my mother’s is around the corner and she’s dead so some things can be triggering… but that’s nobody’s business.

 

9. I have been so unhappy that I have been crying
No, never

I’m generally not happy but I don’t sit around crying. If I did cry once or twice, it’s not like I’d tell you either.

 

10. The thought of harming myself has occurred to me
Never

I only thought about running people over in the road, I’ve only have those thoughts since I got my license 10+ years ago…

My life at 18 weeks

I’m not quite there yet and I’m already starting to look big. It makes me wondering if it’s going to be a big baby or I’m gonna have a fun time trying to get back where I was.

But some people that didn’t know are starting to find out because they expect me to lift heavy shit and ‘I’m like I’m pregnant I can’t’. It’s still not obvious to people I don’t talk too because I always wear a hoodie! It’s winter, do you blame me?

I thought I had my energy back in full force until I wake up with massive cramps towards my pelvis and abominable area.

I’m not having any cravings. The same smells and food disgust me.

Sometimes I get tired when I’m working out or at work. I can’t go get a shot of expresso either.

People that do know still ask me how I’m feeling or when I’m going to know what it is. Again, my appointment isn’t until March 11. My doctor is busy performing surgeries this week, I can’t get in!

When is the reveal? When is the baby shower? The reveal isn’t until we have the same day off! We work different times. The shower isn’t being planned until we know what is and move. All will be soon. Stop asking questions.

Things that annoy me at work

People asking me questions like I’m the tour guide of the city

Though I say, “I don’t know. I don’t live here. I’m not from here. I just work here.”

 

People asking me dumb questions like “Where can I buy a gallon of milk in the mall?”

Seriously? There’s a Walmart, Wegmans, and Target down the street.

 

People that don’t belong in our break room are in our break room!

Imagine if a Burger King employee showed up in the back of McDonalds to hangout. That would never happen. Should be the same concept for every workplace.

 

Coworkers that take breaks and try to hide it — and get bitchy when others take multiple breaks too.

I don’t have a problem with people taking breaks. I have a problem with the sneakiness, everyone knows — and the hypocrisy and bitchiness.

 

Someone that’s not my coworker but owns a place that’s in the place I work in

Some people you just don’t vibe with because they have an offsetting creepy persona. He’s been told numerous times not to talk to me but he continues to bother me every single day.

Sure

Sure,
I love you
I’ve said it many times
I was there when you needed me
though sometimes you pushed me away
I didn’t try to change you
though sometimes I felt you wanted me to change

Sure,
I haven’t seen this is my life
you in pain and crying in a hospital bed but
I’ve seen and knew worse things in my life
that had nothing to do with you

Sure,
I won’t talk about these things
and you probably know what I’m talking about anyway
and you’re like, well you’ve said and did worse things
to me too
but none of this is your fault

Sure,
It isn’t but I’ve seen symbols around me
I knew something was going to happen
but I didn’t know what
for someone that has all the answers and knows my stuff
I know nothing at all

Sure,
I had flashbacks of some events
and bad days
of the nightmare that moment
and again, I questioned everything
feeling like none of this is enough
or even right for me

Sure,
I could run or rash out like I normally do
because of these thoughts and feelings
but what good would that do
I know there’s other people out there
and I know there’s a lot of opportunities
I don’t have here
nor change because I stayed here with you

Sure,
I could change that and I probably should
I can’t see where this is headed
and if anywhere, I don’t know if I want to be
the mother or if I’m even ready for it
all my life I wanted nothing but to be free
from this world
how can I do that if I tie myself to someone?
what would be the point?
so you can leave like my father?
or I get some non-genetic cancer like my mother?
and for what?
to continue this viscous cycle that never ends

Sure,
It could end
but I prefer not to be blind sided

Given $6 for answering

I don’t know why you contact someone to tell you what you already know… Oh, because you think I’m psychic.

 
 

Lady: Does he still think of me?
Me: How long were you together?

 

Lady: We weren’t together, we only texted.
Me: Yes he still thinks of you.

 

Lady: How does he think of me, does he miss me?
Me: He thinks of you as an option.

 

Lady: Like he is using me or sex?
Me: Yes.

 

Lady: Do you see him coming back?
Me: Yes but you don’t need that. You need someone that will see you.

 

Lady: He doesn’t want to see me? Why?
Me: It’s not that he doesn’t, it’s that he hasn’t. He has something going on he’s not telling you about.

 

Lady: Was I right to leave him?
Me: Yes.