Ways body changes after giving birth

Hair
3 months after I gave birth, I noticed a lot of my hair shedding. It’s annoying and disgusting at times. At I point I thought I could be thinning out until I googled ‘postpartum shedding’ turns out it has to deal with hormones, my hair holding onto strands when I was pregnant, and I’ll be dealing with this until the ‘hairs catch up’ until she’s about a year old. Fantastic. Well at least if I braid it or put it up it’s not that annoying.

Appetite
I remember the time I was pregnant and actually got hungry. If I didn’t eat, I’d be in an shitty mood and I won’t get anything done. And now, I don’t get hungry or feel that hunger anymore? I’ve only felt hungry a few times when it’s been hours since I ate. Maybe I’m too busy. Maybe food is the last thing on my mind. I’m not thinking about I should eat this because it’s good for the baby, I need to take my vitamins, I need more… that’s all gone. I’m not eating for two. I sometimes forget I’m eating for one.

Body
Yes, my skin looked a little stretched out after giving birth and it went back in a couple weeks. I’ve lost majority of my pregnancy weight the first week I gave birth. No surprise there, a lot of people do. But it too me a good 2-4 months after the fact to see my ‘pregnancy belly’ go away and lose the few pounds I only noticed on the scale to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. My boobs are completely gone. Hell, they’re smaller than what they were before I got pregnant. That wasn’t a goal in mind, just something that happened.
Would I do it again? Well, I did like the time off. I didn’t really enjoy being pregnant, giving birth, or dealing with a newborn. But she is happy and growing everyday… almost makes it worth me trying for a sibling? Maybe if I win the lottery.

What actually happened in labor and delivery

I called the hospital when I was at work because I kept leaking fluid. They told me to come in because it sounded like my water ruptured. I went in and got checked. I was dilated at a centimeter and half. Not even close to having full blown contractions. But they baby HAD to come out, nothing was keeping her safe inside me anymore. So they gave me some drug to speed up the process. Not even at 4 centimeters, I was crying and screaming in pain. Like full on. Worse than you’d see on any television shows. They couldn’t get me an epidural yet. When the epidural finally came, it took some people to get me to sit still.

Then my contractions didn’t hurt that much. So much to the point when I had to push, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I haven’t had a kid before. Some time in they discovered my pushing wasn’t effective because the epidural worked too well. Then they lessened it and all hell broke loose. Then came the crazy crying screaming lady — again. This time I was saying ‘lord Jesus Christ’ and ‘leave me the fuck alone’ at a catholic hospital! I’m lucky they didn’t kick me out in the street! The nurse kept making me move in weird positions and put a ball between my legs. At one point I was pulling a rope with my legs wide open.

2 hours and 17 minutes later at 7:59AM… she came. I was in labor all night. I went from having one nurse in the room to being surrounded by a bunch of people. I remember the doctor pulling her out by the head. She said ‘it’s a girl’. She was purple and had a cone shaped head. They brought her over to some bed thing to check her. She was crying the entire. The doctor said I needed four stitches. At that point I didn’t care. I was watching her and the doctors. Then they told me to push out the placenta. That was fast and painless. But I wondered why they waited to stitch me up first? It was sent over for cultures because I had a fever and tested positive for GBS at my 35 week appointment.

 
After…

You thought that was brutal? Nope the fun began after she was born. She had jaundice and we had to go to the doctor the day after went home then every week until it was near away. She was only born two weeks early and considered full term but apparently it was a huge ordeal where her body wasn’t mature enough to process her food. And then all the crying… and fights that broke out between her father and I.

I tried to breastfeed and pump. I had no production issues. I had engorgement issues — I had to pump every 2-3 hours. It became too much for me. I had digestive issues from something and so did she. Instead of playing Russian roulette to figure out what the hell it was, I stopped. I can tell you, I don’t miss constantly leaking everywhere or having enormous size tits that hurt and don’t fit in my bras!

My body, though. I lost 20+ lbs the first week after I gave birth. I only have stretch marks. It’s true you do bleed for a while after you give birth. I bled for about 7 weeks. I wasn’t back working out like I was before I was pregnant until 4 weeks postpartum. Probably only once in my life I listened to a doctors advice. He told me because my pelvis was so opened, I was more prone to infection and injury and shouldn’t go run a marathon or do anything crazy. When I did go back, I can tell you I could hardly do a sit-up. I didn’t realize how much pregnancy took from my back until I tried to lift my body up. And running? Haha. My boobs wouldn’t allow it. They hurt. Not period hurt. Hurt like someone was trying to pull them from my body. So I had to ease back in. In a few weeks I was back to myself… before.

And my doctor said I would start my period in a few weeks after my appointment last month. Here it is over a month later and nothing. I know some people it can take longer but help me god, I better not be pregnant again.

Pregnancy body

So I gained between the normal 20-35lbs and lost 20+ within the first week of giving birth. Here I am 2 months after the fact and I still look like I did when I was 2-3 months pregnant and don’t want to step on a scale.

Why? Because your skin stretches and it’s unrealistic to expect to return to your pre-pregnancy body quickly. I’m lucky I only have stretch marks on my thighs. That’s all I can say. I can only look in the mirror and at how my clothes fit. The scale tells me nothing.

I don’t buy the whole ‘breastfeeding helps you lose weight’ well, for me it didn’t. If anything, making myself do some weird MMA bootcamp shit did. Judge me all you want. I had to quit breastfeeding though I was mass producing and had no issue making milk. It was too much work. I had to pump every 2-3 hours because my engorgement issues. I developed some digestive issues that my baby got as well from something I ate. And my baby had jaundice and had to eat every 2-3 hours. Like it wasn’t enough trying to lact a screaming baby and being the one and only person to wake up numerous times at night to feed her. (Even with formula, you still have to get up. Now it’s only once a night because she is older — not because how I’m feeding her.)

Four weeks postpartum I was back at the gym doing things I probably shouldn’t have been doing. I had no back strength. I could hardly do a sit-up. I did it anyway. I ignored the whole ‘your pelvis is open’ thing. I did it all based on how I was feeling and didn’t listen to the doctors or other people’s opinion. Was it smart? I don’t know but I made it through. Now my arms are stronger. Could be from working out. Could be from carrying around a 12 pound baby all day. Or both.

Do I worry my skin or body won’t go back to where it was? Maybe a little. My mother had six kids and her stomach was a war zone. Full of stretch marks and some saggy skin. I’m not having six kids so I may not have that. My only goal is to look like I did before I was pregnant or close. I’m the worst example to follow. I don’t know why the hell any gym is considering hire me. Not everyone is insane like me. Not everyone has recently thrown out some girls shoulder sparring.

Welcome to postpartum

I thought being pregnant was bad. I was wrong.

Pushing a 7 pound baby out was bad. Lot of blood and some stitches involved. Nobody told me she was coming 2 weeks early. I had a pretty healthy pregnancy with no complications.

Then she comes. I hear she has jaundice and do everything in my power to reduce it. I did everything the doctors told me to do.

Feed her every 2 hours. Get no sleep. Feel completely worthless and exhausted. This is my first.

Wish my husband would go back to work. He keeps trying to pawn her off to his parents. His mother acts like she is hers. Well then, you deal with all the fussing when she eats and the shitty diapers at 3am. She’s only around when she’s sleeping or when it’s convenient to her schedule to make herself look good.

Here comes the PTSD or what it feel like, night sweats. Like having inflamed boobs constantly and a bleeding vagina wasn’t enough.

Then I watch my mother’s boyfriend before she died write everyone a petty goodbye message. Some ‘father figure’ I haven’t spoke to him since Christmas and he never once asked me how I was when I was pregnant. Didn’t even know when I was in labor. My actual father did and surprisingly showed up at the hospital.

And the newborn. Most people don’t understand that we really are on a schedule with her right now because her condition. Everyone wants to see her. Everyone has questions. Nobody respects our privacy.

Ava Rose

My water broke at 3am, Tuesday July 23. I didn’t know it did. I passed it off as more mucus from the plug or fluid passing. I tried to go about my day and had gush episodes here and there. By 2pm I finally realized, hey I lost my plug a week ago. I wouldn’t still be leaking, especially clear and pink fluid. My ‘regular’ Braxton Hicks were gone. Then came some stomach pain and back aches. I called the doctor and they told me it sounded like my water broke and I needed to come in.

I came in and they saw I ruptured. I didn’t matter I was 1 centimeter dilated and only 50% effaced. The baby needed to come out. It’d have serious effects on the both of us. And I should have called in the morning when it happened. It was the first time I experienced any of it. She was only 38 weeks old in the womb. I expected it to happen at 39, not 38. I didn’t get to choose.

I got admitted and given a drug to induce labor. By 4 centimeters I was screaming and crying in pain. I got an epidural. It helped with some contractions but when it came time to push, I was helpless. They had to lessen my dose thinking if I felt more I would work harder to push her out. I tried. It was 2 and a half hours of yelling, swearing, and blood. Then her head finally came out. They basically ripped her out my vagina. I was given 4 stitches. And for myself a ticket to be admitted an extra day because how long my water was broke and the Strep B thing I tested positive for at my 36 week appointment. Now I’m here an extra day long because she has a mild case of jaundice and difficulty making bowel movement.

All said and done, she came. At her own time which I thought she was going too. On July 24, 2019 at 7:59Am. I had no issues breastfeeding with her but swollen overfull boobs. I never understood why people would do stuff like that. But now I see it’s part of nature. And you really think I’m going to pawn her off to someone or deal with people/situations and shit I don’t need too? Nope. Once she was born she gave me a reason to live and lead my life.

Third trimester myths

You’re going to gain 5-10 pounds a week, I did.

I stopped gaining weight actually like 3 weeks ago and lost a bit — probably fluid, my doctor isn’t concerned.

They say at this point the only thing ‘gaining’ is the baby and you might actually lose some.

 

Your hands/feet are going to swell really bad.

Had I had any swelling, maybe. Not enough for me to notice or to stop me in my tracks during the day. Does it mean other people make it up? Absolutely not. Everyone and every pregnancy is different.

 

You probably won’t notice if you lose your mucus plug or you’ll lose it the hospital when you give birth.

Not true. I lost my plug yesterday at the gym before my workout! I’m 37 weeks.

You should start feeling more contractions after you lose your mucus plug.

Maybe for some. I have the same old Braxton Hicks. It just means now they can come and will whenever they want too.

 

You’re going to be super tired.

Still doing what I normally do. The only thing is, don’t talk to me when HOT and HUNGRY. I’m moody as fuck.

 

The baby’s movement is going to stop.

No. Maybe less because they’re cramped. At every appointment they still ask me if she’s moving!

My life at 36 weeks

At this point she’s already dropped and head down. I have Braxton Hicks every day. Now I have to go to the doctor every week. My cervix is 50% open and I’m 1/2 centimeter dilated. My doctor said it could be any time or a couple weeks which to me literally means nothing. Active labor doesn’t start until 3 centimeters and I’m not having any ‘real’ contractions yet.

Baby is coming. When I don’t know but within the next month. I have yet to pack my hospital bag and unpack my stuff in our ‘apartment’. I’m still working and my doctor hasn’t taken me out of work. I tried to ask for a note to go on unpaid maternity leave and I got nowhere — makes me wonder if I need it? I’m still going to the gym and using ‘boring’ cardio machines. I actually joined a new one Sunday that is across the road where I live and isn’t going to charge me through the roof. It only sucks she won’t be able to go with me until she’s 2.

And I’m getting sick of the ‘you’ll be too tired’ to anything after she’s born comments. While that may be true, I don’t need nor want to hear it. AND the labor stories. OKAY because YOUR water broke in the hospital doesn’t mean my will. Or because YOU carried your first for 42 weeks, doesn’t mean I will! Everyone is different!

Because I’m pregnant

I don’t get special treatment
no one holds the door open for me
people increasingly like to cut me off when I’m walking

People at work
still expect me to do everything
like I have been
I still got frowned upon my
nosey coworker when I take a break
though she takes multiple

People I’m associated with
through marriage more so expect me
to worship the ground they walk on
and kiss their ass
and talk shit about me when I’m
on the other corner of the room
or behind my back

Strangers say ‘congratulations’
as a way to greet me

People at the gym need to comment
on how impressed they are
I workout or point at my stomach
like they’re 4 years old and they
haven’t seen a pregnant chick before

Acquittances need to greet me
with how big I’m getting
like I don’t have eyes and an mirror

My husband is still my husband
and will fight with me regardless
I don’t have ESP

There’s not a day I’m not either
invisible, in the center of the floor, or someone’s target

And some of them want to see
pictures or the baby
and I’m thinking, you know
pregnancy hasn’t affected my memory
or ability to put
one and two together
y’all treat me
like shit or talk shit about me behind my back
and you think for a second or two
you try to kiss my ass,
it’ll change anything?
I might be blonde but
I’m not a fucking idiot

All this time I have kept to myself
kept my I don’t give a fuck persona
and dealt with you crazy people
treat others how
you want to be treated
they say
if you were pregnant,
would you want to deal with this?
No
I’m glad (not really) I’m bringing a child in this world
full of hypocrites but
she’ll know the truth

Life at 31 weeks

I’m done, I’ve been done being pregnant for a while! I don’t know how or why my mother did this six times and delivered each one naturally! (She had the same frame as me but 4 inches shorter than me.) I feel and look like a blimp. Now it hurts when she sticks out. The punches and kicks, not so much but that could change.

I already had to pee a lot, now it’s just worst. If I have to go, I have to go. If I wait, it will make my uterus hurt. The last thing anyone wants is a UTI. I got one not pregnant by holding my piss in. Those aren’t fun and hurt like hell — and antibiotics suck.

I’m still working. My doctor told me she won’t take me out of work unless I have complications or high blood pressure. Sometimes I need to sit. I feel like I spend 70% of my time at work now taking a piss. I can’t drive home from work without feeling like my ribs are sinking in. And certain seating positions make my back hurt.

I look in the mirror and think I’m getting fat or my body dysmorphia from junior high school is back. Comments from strangers (mainly 40+ years old) about how I’m getting big, am big, or too small do not stop. They do nothing for me but piss me off and think, you wouldn’t say that to any other person that’s not pregnant. But because I am I’m supposed to deal with it and take it as a compliment though it’s not! I’d rather you greet me about my shoes! Then she sticks out and I’m like, it’s probably mostly her or I hope so. I learned what kind of music and food she reacts too.

Modern day violin and piano covers are her thing. I don’t mind, I don’t like classical music either. Her favorite is “My heart will go on” on YouTube by Taylor Davis. It makes me wonder if I should make her first name Rose instead her middle name. I won’t though, I’ve already set my mind. I wonder if she’s going to be more musically gifted than me. Then I could say musical talent skipped 3 generations. My great grandfather was a musician and influencer. I just hope she tries to enjoy more things than strawberry Frappuccinos and sour cream and onion chips. She moves when I have it like it’s the greatest thing on the planet.

Behind the scenes is chaos and frustration at home and work. It’s a miracle that I don’t have high blood pressure. I’ve been waiting for months to unpack my stuff and have space with my husband at the so called ‘apartment’ being worked on. To the point I think she’d come out and we’d have nothing ready. She’d have to live out of suitcase like me.

Work wise, I probably have to consider what I say online. Though my report was anonymous and if he did go against me, it’d hurt him more. I know my employer is being investigated and not just for me, but a series of violations. I will get paid family leave when it’s done but obviously he’s not going to be happy in the process. It’s not my fault he didn’t have a policy in place and pocketed all the money from his employees. If you have a business you should keep up on all the policies, taxes, and safety regulations. Once the state is involved… they have the power to shut you down.

She has her baby shower this Sunday. The only thing I’m looking forward to is the cake and the 3 people I invited that are going. I’m going to be again, surrounded by strangers that need to comment on my appearance. Then some fakeass relatives on my husbands side and friends of friends. Another time I wish I could be drunk or high at a party/event and can’t. It just means we’re getting closer and hopefully everything will be set soon.

What the hell is going on

I am 28-29 weeks pregnant. Physically I am fine. I get some discomfort in my ribs when I sit, some acid reflex, and have to take multiple bathroom breaks. Mentally I’m trying not to lose my shit. It seems like everyone and everything is testing me.

I almost can’t go anywhere in public without some older person staring at me or pointing at my stomach. Okay, I know I am 7 months pregnant and it’s obvious now. You don’t need to point it out or act all impressed that I’m still active as I am. My doctor hasn’t pulled me from any activities yet. I secretly wish she’d pull me from work so I don’t have to deal with this extra other shit anymore too. But if she does, guess what? I don’t have disability or paid family leave though it is taken out my paycheck when I get paid! My employer is pocketing the money. He wants to pay me under the table when I go out for 2 months because he knows if I went and filed my forms that could get him in serious trouble. But I know, everyone knows he can’t be trusted to follow through on his obligations and don’t like to pay people. You know, he had a serious of lawsuits against him and fights with employees about paying him. There’s no doubt in my mind he can’t be trusted. He could try to fire me or cut my hours if I try to go after him. It’d seriously not help him and would turn into a bigger suit.

That doesn’t mean, he can’t go try and fire me for something else. There’s no a security camera on back where people take their breaks. That’s also illegal. If you been here long enough, that seriously doesn’t surprise you. You know about the number of people that work or have worked here that did drugs or had sex on clock? A lot more than you even want to think about.

I live in America. I shouldn’t have to even think about all of this. This guy isn’t from here and operates about 17 businesses, probably also illegally and unfairly. He just wants more money and to keep it all. I’m over here thinking, I’m having a baby in about 12 weeks and I’m going to have nothing when I go out. This guy has been taking my money and everyone else’s.

Meanwhile, I say nothing on social media about it. Bust my ass every single day so no one says how I’m not doing my job and blah blah blah. Trying to figure out my next move. I don’t need every single person I come across in daily life on my back or up my ass for one reason or another.