“Beat them up,”

she said. Like me going to jail is worth it. I wouldn’t just lose the job I already hate. Forget any future government job or any decent job period with that on your record.

I’m sure I could. There’s no doubt in my mind I couldn’t. I mean, I did through out a girls arm only a few weeks after having a baby. If you don’t know what I’m capable of, why mess with me? You’re an idiot.

Let’s bring you back to my childhood. I wasn’t raised to be violent but to defend myself. So some boys took my shit or tackled on me to attempt to kiss me, I punched them in the face. Not the best way to handle but how do you expect a 4-5 year old to react? You want them to react that way and run when a creep tries to get them in their van!

There’s nothing special about me. I grew up in the projects, my parents spilt when I was 11, I lived in the country, I have a lot of siblings, my mother died of cancer when I was 27, I have a baby, etc.

People think there is because I’m quiet? Hey, I come here and do my business then leave. I don’t come to this place to make friends. Why would I? I hate my fucking job. So does majority of the population.

What’s his name

he’s tall
he’s jacked
he’s the only one
around here I had a
few conversations with
he knows my name
I don’t know his

maybe it’s
for the best
I know myself
too well
one thing will lead
to another
and that’s that
I have the tendency
not to get attached
but they do
I’m at my point in life
I don’t need that
it doesn’t mean
a thing

Reported

his ass and his girlfriend
so they can all hate me
and not my sister
he’s a snake
she does nothing all day
but probably fuck him
in the service halls
who cares
I’m not there anymore

should they remember
I was there first and
with him
haha

reputation proceeds me
I’m sure
but remember I’m also
not the one that said
‘DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR KEYS?
I miss you?’
what about your girlfriend?
‘WHO CARES’
it never happened
it never will

but here we go,
I’ve stumbled upon
another man interested
in my personal life
giving off some vibes
it doesn’t end

Before March

I said his girlfriend would eventually get a job at the mall with us because she constantly hangs out there all day with her kids.

And I said when that happens you can bet your ass I’m out of there. Yeah, before they decided to tell us when they were opening I got a new job away from all that bullshit — like we knew I would.

Because I’ve said, there’s only so much corrupt bullshit I will take. I guess I’ve met my quota when great old coronavirus came out and struck our world. I learned to take a great opportunity when it comes across me. You know how many jobs I turned down for the mall? Too many. Was it worth it? Absolutely not. Let’s not get into the owner not wanting to pay workers and me having to sue him when I had my baby for pocketing my PFL. All while all these stores are leaving and they can’t keep up with the requirements to keep running, it’s surprising they gIt the flag to be open. Probably lied their asses off.

Anyway, yeah that’s all behind me. The new supervisor with his girlfriend he probably fucks in all the old places I fucked ‘Dan’ haha. He had an issue with us even talking yet it was okay for him to sexually assault me numerous times with his girlfriend nearby!? The only reason why he got his position is by snitching on my sisters boyfriend and getting him fired. He has no talent or knowledge of the things that need to be fixed in the mall. I guess if you successfully kiss ass and rat on people you deserve a promotion in those places. I guess that’s why now I’m making as much as you and not working there.

The mall was

the first one I went too as a kid
It had a ‘magic’ fountain back then

the place I went too as a teenager to get all my school clothes (they had stores back then)

where I met my future husband online from at dating website for the first time

my place of employment for three years

the place I was working at when my mother was diagnosed with cancer

where I got involved with someone I didn’t know was a satanist until he told me

where I was after I received a phone call she was dead, clocked in and out of work that day upset

where I my supervisor and I fell in love and had a fucked up relationship

the place I was working at when I was pregnant and had to leave when I was in labor

job I returned too after having a baby

job I worked with my sister and got to see here several days a week

also the job the owner tried to fuck me over numerous times and pocketed my PFL and I sued him

the place with a toxic environment and shitty new supervisor that also sexually assaulted with his girlfriend nearby

the place that wanted me back during this COVID shit part time (less money, less time with my daughter) and after everything, I didn’t see why I should it was a good place once years ago…

and so I left and got a new one

Matter is

she doesn’t have
any drama
she’s sick of
the shitshow
on the internet

she’s stable
but sometimes
fucked up
when her brain
thinks about him again

‘oh, why didn’t I runaway
when I had the chance?’
because she’s an idiot
she chose ‘stability’
over ‘being in love’
other words
she’s settled
do you blame her?
who wants to be on
the run with a criminal?

‘but other people…’
believe me she knows
none of them
she had such intensity
and an connection with

now her days are
waiting for shit to pass
and being a mother
sometimes she wonders
if the father is the father
and her hair is long
and full of secrets

She doesn’t want to talk
about herself
but this is her being
‘accountable’ again
to tell you she’ll be back
when she feels like it

The past

doesn’t define us
but helps us better
understand the present
and future
so, people
said or did a lot
of shit they shouldn’t
have been doing
(who hasn’t?)
they shouldn’t be hung
for it but at the same
time, they need to be
accountable and should
have taken into
consideration
hey, this might bite
me in the ass someday
and make me lose things
I’ve worked hard for

that’s why your mother
told you to
“think before you speak”

“I’m…”
“But I was…”
“I wasn’t…”
the world is done
with your excuses
look at everything
going on in the world
nobody gives a fuck
about ‘oh, poor you’
especially when you’re
an adult and have all
this money
while a lot of us
are actually struggling

It’s time to wake up
nobody cares to listen
to your narcissistic bullshit
so go back to flaunting
what you have
crying online
and posting pictures
see how many people
click ‘mute‘
(you won’t know)
or unfollow your ass

Memories of my dad?

He would take me to the store
to go grocery shopping and out
for ice cream every week
with my mother’s paycheck
he didn’t work
he used to be a cook
in the coast guard
he retired

Of course,
I didn’t know that
when I was super young
I sat on his big belly
and ate popcorn
the neighbors
thought he was ‘mexican’
or part ‘black’
because he had tan skin

I know he’s not
I tan well too and
took a DNA test
I’m 100% European
a fancy way to say
‘Caucasian’

I remember the times
he forced us to go to
church and slapped me
once on my side
because I was having
a tantrum
later he apologized
he didn’t know how to
punish kids
that’s why I was
running around
and getting in trouble
while he was at the casino
drinking and gambling away
all my mother’s money

Then they split when I was 11
my mother moved us in
with a narcissistic asshole
that said he ‘thought of
himself as our father’
my father tried to visit
us once and he got into
a fight with my mother
that was the end of that
he called us only
on or around holidays
sometimes our mother
had us go to church on
holidays to see him
that’s it

But he continued to call
and still does to this day
I hardly ever answer
I’m 30
he’s a stranger to me
but he’s showed up when
my daughter was born
the man that thought
of himself as my father
didn’t, he fell out
the moment my mother died
to another woman’s arms
and sent us a ‘goodbye’
text a few days after
Ava was born

And he wondered why
I never said ‘happy fathers day’
being there to be there
doesn’t make you
neither does sperm apparently
but thank you,
I hardly ever sunburn

My only hope now
is my daughter
has a father
even though I can’t
promise we’ll be
together forever

Random thoughts

Edit

Edit again.

Another ice coffee or ice tea or Gatorade? Shit I’m almost out.

There’s a sale at Victoria’s Secret, again. Really bad for my wallet but I need a new bag, shirt, pants, perfume, etc because I want it.

I haven’t planned my story app in days too busy on other websites. There’s still NOTHING new.

I’m cold I want ice cream.

Protests? Meh. I don’t care. Don’t throw rocks at my car again asshole. I’ll slap you with a lawsuit.

I sued my employer, what makes you think I won’t sue you?

I have nothing to fear the inside of my mouth. I broke my tooth and it’s decayed.

Why can’t people leave me the fuck alone and let me write in peace!?

Don’t look at me like that. Don’t look at me at all.

Face masks are stupid. This entire thing is stupid.

You remember the times it was a big deal when you went to public places with your face covered? Those days are over.

If people asked, ‘hey, did you test positive for an STD?’ every time you went in public as mush as they did COVID, well…

I’m not looking forward to going back to work.

I’m looking forward to the day I get another job.

The guy in my writing I obviously slept with. Do you need concrete details about that too?

Relationships are stupid. Marriage is stupid too. It’s a contract.

I don’t need to date assholes anymore, I live with one.

I’m emotionally unavailable because I don’t have emotions.

The only person I care about is my daughter.

Hmmm, let me think… No.

He’s hot, I’d sleep with him. Expect for the fact he’s too straight edge.

I don’t have issues in that department. I have issues in the giving a fuck department.

I think the answer is I need new sunglasses.

I need to rethink this selling on Amazon bullshit.

I don’t know what I’m planning to do with my characters in this story. I’m just writing a crime novel.

I’m not drunk. I wish I was.

I really think that much about him. I write about him sometimes. Maybe I need a therapist. Fuck that shit. I’d rather waste money other places.

Of course,

I meant it
I don’t throw those
three words
around
who cares if I was
drunk and stoned
off my ass
when I said it back
if anything
I’m more honest
when I’m not sober

I’m 30
I’ve said a total
of three times
in my life
out of the
I don’t know
how many

When I was teenager
and thought I was in love
When I dated my husband
and when I fooled around
with someone I shouldn’t
have been fooling around with

Trust me
I’ve tried to analyze
that situation
I got nothing
but you take away
all the objects
distractions
stressors
yeah, it’s really easy
to fall in love
with someone
or fancy more then
one person at once
haha

Don’t quote me
that’s the past
now it’s almost like
it didn’t happen
after having a baby
being stuck in
quarantine
the only thing I’ve
is, it’s time
to get a new job

There’s nothing left there
I’m sick of dealing
with a snake and refuse
to now deal with his girlfriend
I can only act like
I don’t want to beat the shit
out of someone for so long
until I say enough