Honest truth

I don’t know why
I’m writing this
people are taking
fascination with my life
they know nothing about
I’m not what I seem
what is really going on
I can’t talk about publicly
like I’ve said my moves
are being watched by the man
I don’t need anymore
judgements against me
I’m not a criminal
I’m being scrutinized
like I am

I’m not a bad person
though my concept on life
and relationships are probably
1000% different than yours
there’s one thing in my life
I will have to deal with forever
the death of my mother
June 2017
I don’t talk nor write much
about among other things
behind the scenes

Why I don’t dance anymore

It was fun, alright. I didn’t get any actual jobs doing it because I did it in college. I did it when I transferred to a university junior year. I joined the Dance club. They didn’t have any actual teams or anything. But trust me it felt like it was and a competition at times. Though it was fun for the most part. I did contemporary, jazz, hip-hop, and Bollywood. At the end of the semester we had a recital. Everyone went nuts and loved what we did. The practice was worth it. I didn’t regret that time.

My second year at university as a senior, I had a few elective voids to fill. I picked studio dance training classes in Ballet and Jazz because I thought it would be fun. Well, it wasn’t. It in fact killed whatever passion and love I had for dancing. At the end of the day, I still went to Dance. I screwed up some of the routines. And some of the girls were just rude and nasty. A choreographer joked about cutting our feet off and sending them home. She also happened to be one of my classmates and someone I had to pretend to be civil with though I couldn’t stand her. I avoided her for the most part. I thought of her as a five year old with really bad OCD and ADD. But well, anyway… I still danced on and performed in that semester recital with no issue. The last semester I thought I’d take it upon myself to become a choreographer for a contemporary dance piece to a Lady Gaga song. Half of my people that signed up dropped out because they thought the song was inappropriate. Then wanted to start shit on social media because I didn’t take into consideration everyone’s sizes on the costumes though I did. I was up for hours looking at shit. But I was still ‘body shaming’ by suggesting one of the girls order the same costume by another company because they didn’t have her size. I called that bullshit. But of course, I had to carry the fake face and persona and keep my opinions to myself — and I did. I just dropped my dance all together. Stayed in the few routines I committed too. But I never had any friends from there and made more enemies than I should have. I was the quiet girl that kept to myself.

Now it’s been a couple of years. I don’t have access to a dance studio. If I did I would remember the times I had to stare at myself in the mirror 6 hours every other day while juggling 18 credits and a part time job. I would remember all the shit that was said to me. All the people that followed me around and stared at me. The energy on stage and the paranoia of fucking it up. It was fun once… when it was simple. Back in the days I danced around the fire before I made the conscious decision to go back to school.