So intriguing

I am, you watch me
do what? Post pictures and videos
of my daughter haha
like millions of other people

Why is that?
I don’t know
I don’t have the
slightest clue who
you are
don’t matter

it’s not like I’m
going to provide
my life story
and personal business
on my feed
that’s why I have novels
I hardly mention
among other things
I’m not a millennial
that enjoys ‘self-promoting’
I also never say where I work
why? I fucking hate it
and don’t want anyone showing up

So my daughter is cute
I’m a mother
should have followed me
years ago when I wasn’t
in this life
maybe I would have been
more fascinating
and less likely to swollen
my pride
haha, yeah right
I was never an open book
that’s what made me a ‘writer’

Ava A-Z

A is for Ava
B is for baby, you’re my baby
C is for color, you currently like all
D is for dad, you don’t listen to him
E is for every morning and night, I‘m the first one you see when you wake and the one to put you to sleep
F is for fire, you are a fire sign that’s in love with Frozen
G is for girl, you’re my girl
H is for Hocus Pocus, you stole my Hocus Pocus blanket like you did Frozen
I is for ice cream, a few bites and we regret giving it to you
J is for July, you were born in July 24, 2019
K is for kid, I didn’t want a kid but I had you and I don’t regret it
L is for love, of course you are my love
M is for mom, I am your mom
N is for nobody, don’t listen to nobody’s bullshit
O is for one, I can’t believe you’re going to be one
P is for Pikachu, between 4-9 months old I played videos of him and you smiled and stopped crying
Q is for quick, you are like your mother
R is for read, you like being read too
S is for summer, the season you were born
T is for talk, you can say a few words but only when you want too
U is for unicorn, one of your favorite books is ‘Peekaboo Unicorn’
V is voice, you like your Frozen dolls that have a voice
W is for walking and water, you were walking around 10 months and loved playing and splashing in water since 3 months
X is for xylophone, I hope I don’t regret getting it for your birthday
Y is for yellow, I believe that was your favorite color because it was the first one you’ve seen
Z is for zero, I don’t care who messes with you…they’re done

June 4, 2017

The day my mother passed after fighting non-Hodgkins lymphoma for about two years. She was in remission but it came back. The car accident she was in the winter didn’t help, it made her weaker. I’m not here to give the full story, I probably did already. Im here to talk about how much has changed since.

Imagine if she was diagnosed with it during a pandemic, her chances to survive could have been less. Who cares. That’s all I’m saying about that.

I was going to get married. My mother knew in her heart she wouldn’t live longer than 3 months to be there. She didn’t even discuss it with me. I had a feeling she wouldn’t. I regretted showing her my dress and not putting it on for her. She was buried in the dress she was going to wear to my wedding. I had to live with that forever on top of some drama I called her about when she was in the hospital.

There I was again, refusing to commit and trying to have fun when hell was around me. I was about to get marry and I was having sex with some strange man I hardly know in the woods. It was supposed to distract me from sleeping with my ‘guy friend’ but it didn’t. Was I having fun? No. I was trying to distract myself from the truth. My mother is dying. I’m afraid to get married. Boo who.

Then it happened. Instead of me getting better, I got worse. I locked away all my emotions. I got married though I wasn’t feeling like it. Things got sour and I stumbled upon someone new. Not just new, he was going to be my future supervisor. I didn’t know it. I denied any attraction I had towards him until one day. We made out in an empty lot. It was intense and different from anything I’ve felt in a long time. We began hooking up. We accidentally said those three words.

He left. I realized he was right that I never dealt with my mother’s death. I stopped fucking around. I became a mother… now I understand.

My baby

is the one
and only person
in this world
I love
I live for
she reminds me
when she cries
when I leave
or wakes up
in the middle of
the night
and nothing calms
her down but me

She’s only four months old
she doesn’t understand
what’s going on
they say
that’s why nobody else
can handle her
when she has a fit?

I know nothing
about babies or children
I know my mother said
that was the reason
she held on so long
with her battle with cancer
til they day she left us

She said
”You’ll have a daughter
— like you,
you’ll be a good mother”
when she was sick
I didn’t believe her
I didn’t want to have kids
I had issues settling down
and jump from one person
and thing to another
How? Why?
It didn’t make sense
but neither did losing her

But then, maybe
I learned my capacity
maybe I evolved when
nothing else around me did

I’m still ‘cold’ and lack empathy
towards others and that’s okay
I only care about what’s in my life
it happens now to be her

The tree

It’s not fall but the leaves are falling
off the tree in the middle of the field
it’s sunny but cold
it’s the end of June
I’m here
she’s not
she’s looking down upon me
asking me why I never listened
and if I gave up on my promise
I can’t answer her
her spirit is free
I lost mine to the devil