Not my mother


my mother was given away 

I wasn’t 

she wouldn’t do that

to her children 

she grew up in the city

I grew up in a small town

she was on her own

when she was 15 

I lived with her until I was 27

for reasons outside

 of her having cancer 

she get off on her own

because she had no choice 

I did

not so sure what happened 

in her life before me or when

I was little but she had six kids

myself included and always worked

I have what one? I didn’t get 

even have sex in

high school because of her

my daughter came almost 

two years after her death

I know before she diagnosed 

she was always angry

I can’t say I am but I’m quick

to get pissed but I don’t stay 

that way (you wonder why

I’ve a short fuse, there you go

it is genetic)

she’d be mad and complain

about her boyfriend for hours

 so I guess we knew the truth 

of men early on but not so much

anything about her past really

who tells their kids the men 

they fucked or cheated on?

I wouldn’t but my daughter,

not talking about it isn’t

going to help you not 

make the same mistakes

No mother I don’t see you

as a cheat, I heard the phone calls

even if you were decades ago

it wouldn’t matter 

don’t turn in your grave 

I wouldn’t but yes, some secrets

people will never know about me

I can say,

the final months to the last moment 

I saw my mother

she wasn’t as angry

it’s like she knew

none of it mattered 

she said she did her job

she raised six kids

and it was my turn?

like I’d have that many 

I wouldn’t but

she was peaceful and falling

asleep the last time I saw her

unlike my father I saw video footage 

of him getting struck and killed 

by a car 

so your final moment

will say a lot about how 

you lived your life 

Ava A-Z

A is for Ava
B is for baby, you’re my baby
C is for color, you currently like all
D is for dad, you don’t listen to him
E is for every morning and night, I‘m the first one you see when you wake and the one to put you to sleep
F is for fire, you are a fire sign that’s in love with Frozen
G is for girl, you’re my girl
H is for Hocus Pocus, you stole my Hocus Pocus blanket like you did Frozen
I is for ice cream, a few bites and we regret giving it to you
J is for July, you were born in July 24, 2019
K is for kid, I didn’t want a kid but I had you and I don’t regret it
L is for love, of course you are my love
M is for mom, I am your mom
N is for nobody, don’t listen to nobody’s bullshit
O is for one, I can’t believe you’re going to be one
P is for Pikachu, between 4-9 months old I played videos of him and you smiled and stopped crying
Q is for quick, you are like your mother
R is for read, you like being read too
S is for summer, the season you were born
T is for talk, you can say a few words but only when you want too
U is for unicorn, one of your favorite books is ‘Peekaboo Unicorn’
V is voice, you like your Frozen dolls that have a voice
W is for walking and water, you were walking around 10 months and loved playing and splashing in water since 3 months
X is for xylophone, I hope I don’t regret getting it for your birthday
Y is for yellow, I believe that was your favorite color because it was the first one you’ve seen
Z is for zero, I don’t care who messes with you…they’re done