I’m a nut case at night

I probably have every personality disorder in the book, it wouldn’t surprise me.

 

I say everything that comes into my mind
Twitter or text message. It doesn’t matter. Today I said a man threatened to kill me on Twitter. It’s not true. I went on about how I feel nothing and think my boyfriend is gay via text message.

 

Someone is out to get me
I must change my privacy settings on my social media accounts because some guy messaged me. He must be a stalker or clinically crazy because who does that? I can’t trust no one.

 

Someone is going to break into the house
I have to sleep with some sort of a light on because if I don’t Satan, an Alien, or some creepy man will come into the house and straggle me. They won’t take me because they like to keep me a prisoner here.

 

I can’t focus on anything and refuse to go to sleep
I’m not watching one video, I’m watching two videos. I’m also reading an article and asking Google if it was possible that I had sex with a demon. All while I’m texting three people and laughing in my room.

 
 

I’m not like this during the day. This is why no one should talk to me or listen to anything I say after 10pm.

Things guys don’t quite understand

I just came home, don’t talk to me

Especially joke. Chances are I’m hungry, tired, or miserable. If I was happy, you would know it — then and only then say whatever you want.

 

I can tell you’re looking at me

I get it, it’s normal to look at someone if they appear somewhat attractive, interesting, or weird. You could at least not make it obvious you are looking.

 

If I don’t laugh, I don’t think you’re funny

Just strange or annoying.

 

I can’t look you in the eye

I’m telling you what you want to hear to get you off my back. I’m clearly not interested.

 

If I laugh, I might like you

I’m not going to make the next move, it’s up to you.

 

If I have another man, it shouldn’t stop you

Just because I have a man doesn’t mean I’m going to stay with him forever. There is nothing wrong with us talking, it’s not like we are going to have sex.

 

I didn’t ‘fix’ myself for you

My hair looks good. My clothes look good. I didn’t do it for you, boo. I’m either going somewhere and/or did it for the hell of it — because that is how I am.

My Secret Operation System

We all have one. If you say you don’t, you’re lying.

 

Don’t ask, don’t tell.

Simple as that. If you don’t seem at all interested, why would I tell you what I am doing or thinking at any given moment?

 

I prefer you don’t ask

I don’t like questions. So you must have very good communication skills or something to get information out of me. I’m very good at holding/withholding information, by the way.

 

List of things I won’t tell you:

Anything at all about my personal life or background.

I’m not stupid, I know better.

 

I really don’t care about your problems

You talk all you want, it willy only annoy and bore me. I won’t emphasize or sympathize with you, I’m not a fool.

And hey, I have my own problems as well. I don’t talk about them.  I certainly don’t bitch, moan, or complain either.

 

I will never thank you for criticism

I just won’t. Criticism is never a positive thing. There is nothing you can say or do to prove me wrong. Say whatever the fuck you want though, you will anyways. It doesn’t bother me.

 

I remember everything

Not returning my texts or emails? Okay, fine. In the future when you ask me for favors or want to talk to me, I won’t be around. It’s not a threat, it’s a promise. Do not underestimate my ability to ignore, remove, and block people that don’t matter from my life.

Treated me/people I actually know badly? I remember that. Don’t be blinded by me ‘accepting’ your friend request on Facebook, either. You know I only did that to see what the fuck you wanted. Nothing apparently, you just wanted to stalk me.

Guide to Self-Improvement

If you are like me, you think this is another pointless blog post telling you what to do to make your life better.

 

Like… Who are you? Are you an expert? What works you and other people won’t work for me! Unless I am really sick, how is that helpful?

 

Bingo. That’s the answer.

 

It’s not helpful. You have a functioning brain, mind, and body. The problem is you listen to people tell you, you have problems. You listen to them talk down to you, ignoring the fact they have problems too.

 

What to do?

 

Well, you live in you. You have the ability to create, think, and act for yourself. If something bothers you, you change it. If someone slams the door in your face, look for another. If your friends or so-called allies turn your back on you, find new ones. It’s not going to be easy, nothing ever is. You are you — nothing anyone or anything can take away from you. Nothing you are willing or should surrender to things or people that cause you more harm than good.

 

You own your mind, body, and spirit. No one else knows it. No one else controls it. No matter what they may think or try to have you believe. And please, do not listen to me either. I am typing words on a screen. I can’t guide you. I can’t improve you. I don’t know you. It’s all up to you.

 

Love is a disorder?

Confused

Can’t tell if it is real or fake.

 

Over-thinking

Debating in my head if I really feel anything.

 

Angels fighting Devils

It was wrong for me to say that and act that way. I should apologize or change my attitude. Fuck that shit, they come to me. If not well, oh well.

 

A third person comes in

Why be with you? They so want to bang me. It is true, they even gave me their number and told me to text anytime.

 

I am nothing, I deserve nothing — am worthless

All I got is you. No name, no career, and nothing else to look forward too. It’s an endless dry cycle — but it’s better when I see you.

 

I should change

Am too weird. I can’t really change that. I could, however; act like a doll and tell everyone in your life what they want to hear for us to avoid conflict.

 

Mind games

Don’t even know if we are playing. So busy mirroring the image the other person wants.

 

Relentless

Just keep going, going, and going… we don’t know what we are doing or if it is coming out anywhere. What can we do? We are both ignorant — and full of shit too.

Not empty words

Practice what I ‘preach’

not just an idea

philosophy I live by

 

What good are words if you don’t mean it?

 

What good are words if they are taken out of context?

 

No good

 

Some is just talk

 

I admit

I joke

I metaphor

 

Events change

 

Ideas change

 

What was originally said is revised

like the past I cannot live in

 

So what matters?

 

I am here

alive and present

in my

 

Mind

 

Body

 

Spirit

INs & UNs: Mirrored words.

Secure
Insecure

 

Compatible
Incompatible

 

Capable
Incapable

 

Competent
Incompetent

 

Correct
Incorrect

 

Considerate
Inconsiderate

 

Available
Unavailable

 

Desirable
Undesirable

 

Known
Unknown

 

Friendly
Unfriendly

 

Discovered
Undiscovered

 

Likely
Unlikely

 

Likeable
Unlikeable

 

Practical
Unpractical

 

Easy
Uneasy

 

Political
Unpolitical

Caffeine Abuse

It’s not a problem, everyone drinks it. Some drink it more than others.

It’s a huge part of our culture. People I see everyday don’t see it as a problem.

Only I acknowledge it as a potential problem.

 

I’m drinking 7 large ice coffees and 4 litters of soda in a week. The coffee is because I like it. The soda is because I feel tired or miserable. I use it to give me a high after I have been working out or doing work for hours.

I know it is bad. There is really nothing I can do. I can’t stop. It makes me wonder what the future will hold, like I’ll become an alcoholic or something if I have the money and easy access to it. I know once I start drinking, I can’t stop. I drink to get drunk — like I drink caffeine to get a high.

When I try to quit, I just go right back. My head hurts, I’m exhausted and miserable. I try to replace it with non-caffeinated soda or tea. That does nothing, I don’t like it. I am set in my ways. I go back to my ways.

If I could get professional help I would. That costs time and money which I don’t have. What I can do is at least try to control my impulses and energy. I can’t say I’m going to stop or drink less because I am compulsive. I need to find a way not to lose my mind and annoy everyone else around me when I am withdrawing.

Yet, nobody sees me withdrawing. Nobody sees me period.

 

This is an invisible illness.

Question marks “???” texts

Everyone is blowing up my phone with questions marks this week it’s as if I have some obligation to return every message they send me, I don’t. I haven’t met/don’t know half of the people sending me these messages. They are people who are interested in me sending me questions about my day and life.. I don’t like being questioned by no one, especially by people I’m not interested in. I can’t straight out say, “Hey, I’m not interested lose my number.” I tried saying that earlier this week, it backfired. The person called me on my cell phone and sent me additional texts apologizing for bothering me. Yet, they continued to send me messages like ‘Hey’ and ‘What’s up?’ I didn’t answer any of those.

Then I feel bad because they’re wasting their time and I’m not interested in them the way they’re interested in me. I wish they would find someone else that wants to talk to them. I figured if I didn’t respond to any messages, they would get the message. Like ‘I don’t feel like talking right now’ or ‘I’m not interested’. Then I feel like I have some other obligation to explain to them why I don’t want to talk and why I’m not interested. I shouldn’t have to feel obligated, it’s not right.

For one, I don’t even know most of these people. Another thing, there is no rule that I have to be glued to my phone and answer every person that messages me. I only have to speak to people who are actually in my life. If your not, well send someone else question marks…