Matter is

she doesn’t have
any drama
she’s sick of
the shitshow
on the internet

she’s stable
but sometimes
fucked up
when her brain
thinks about him again

‘oh, why didn’t I runaway
when I had the chance?’
because she’s an idiot
she chose ‘stability’
over ‘being in love’
other words
she’s settled
do you blame her?
who wants to be on
the run with a criminal?

‘but other people…’
believe me she knows
none of them
she had such intensity
and an connection with

now her days are
waiting for shit to pass
and being a mother
sometimes she wonders
if the father is the father
and her hair is long
and full of secrets

She doesn’t want to talk
about herself
but this is her being
‘accountable’ again
to tell you she’ll be back
when she feels like it

“You’re confused, you were abused”

I’m confused about what? What is going in my life? Not really because I’ve been aware of everything that is going on. Expect maybe, one thing. I don’t understand why someone wants me when I don’t want them. I’ve done everything in my power to get rid of them by blocking, deactivating, blocking, ignoring, explaining, deactivating, blocking, explaining, etc.

“You were abused.” By who? It wasn’t my father and it wasn’t my friend’s stepfather though I was in the room with her when she was molested by him at age five. He never touched me, the second I heard her crying and screaming I ran out of the house. She said it was every guy I’ve ever dated but how could she possibly know that? It’s not like I told her everything that was going on. It’s not like I acknowledged or understood anything that was going on. How could I? Everything was constantly my fault. I was fat, ugly, worthless, dumb, stupid, useless, etc. He wouldn’t say I was smart, beautiful, or pretty. He wouldn’t even tell me he loved me or kissed me yet he had no problem asking to see me when he wanted sex. I went somewhere else to fill that missing hole, to someone else that was also a piece of shit. A least this one piece of shit was honest to me. He told me from the beginning he only wanted to have sex with me. And so I did that, thinking maybe he’d change or I’d change. I’d magically grow-up one day and leave this all behind. It didn’t happen. I let him choke and slap me in bed and go behind my back to plan things I didn’t really want to do.

She thinks some miracle will happen, like I’ll meet someone and all of this trauma and difficulty will go away. Real life isn’t a movie, it doesn’t work that way but who cares what I have to say anyway?