Romantic lines in bed

Replace ‘romantic’ with ‘married’.

 

Him

Wanna get pregnant?

You like that?

You’re tighter, who are you sleeping with?

Open your legs.

Did ___ (an ex) do that?

Hurry up.

I’m about too…

I’ve gas.

I’m tired.

 

Her

Hahahaha I’m drunk.

Bite me.

Shut up.

Stop talking.

Odd fellow

What did you have for lunch? Pumpkin donuts. Yeah, real healthy I’m aware. I’m too lazy and careless to bother with anything else.

Are you on Facebook? I have one but I don’t use it. I’m only tagged in videos and pictures of my daughter. Who seriously asks that these days? Are you gonna friend request me? Haha.

How long have you been married? It’d be three years in October… Why?

How long have you been together? It’d be nine years in October. Why? Is it because I look young? We met in our early 20s, we’re 30. No we didn’t stay together the entire time, we went through on and offs and ups and downs.

What’s his name? What is this the third degree? Are you the police going to investigate him? Or just nosey?

What does he do for a living? He’s an accountant. More like a puppet that hits buttons on a computer all day. Exact opposite of anything and everything I do.

Has he met the owner? No. Why the hell?

What things mean before & after you marry

“Pay attention to me”

Before
I want to cuddle/have sex.

After
You’re not listening. Shut up. Why don’t you give me a massage anymore? Let’s cuddle. Nevermind, I’m bored let’s have sex and fall asleep.

 

“I’m fine”

Before
I’m not telling you what’s wrong. I guess you’ll see.

After
You should know what the issue is. I’m quiet because I’m pissed. Anything to say or do after this point may or may not be held against you.

 

“I’m not happy in our relationship”

Before
I’m not convinced you’re the one for me and need reasons to stay.

After
You’re walking on thin ice, be careful.

 

“You have pretty eyes”

Before
I really think you do…

After
I want something.

 

“How much money do you have in your account?”

Before
I’d never ask you that.

After
I want you to make my car payment.

 

“How much did you spend on that?”

Before
It looks cheap/expensive.

After
You better not have spent too much. If you do, why aren’t you pitching more in for bills and stuff?

 

“I love you”

Before
Nothing, genuinely do.

After
I only say it when I want something.

 

“I’m sick of doing all the work”

Before
Probably actually referring to work.

After
Referring to work, relationship, house, and/or bed.

14 reasons relationships suck

Missed Valentine’s Day this year so here’s 14 thoughts about why relationships are stupid.



1. If you’re dating, you’re obligated to buy something for your partner every holiday. Miss one? See what happens.

2. At one point you’ll be asked when you’re going to commit, if you’re already committed they ask you when you’re going to be single.

3. You can’t always say what you’re thinking unless you want to create tension or have an argument.

4. You can’t spend money on whatever the hell you want without your partner either getting suspicious or bitching at you for spending.

5. You’ve been in a relationship or married a while? Your romance is dead. The letters, gifts, and spontaneity died a while ago.

6. Your sex sessions got less and/or shorter. Why? You’ve done everything at this point and your partner feels like they no longer have to work for it. They just want to hit it and go back to sleep.

7. Unless you have an open relationship, you can’t sleep with whoever you want if those needs aren’t being met.

8. You can be attracted too one or multiple people when you’re still in a relationship but again, can’t act upon unless you want drama.

9. You have to listen to your partner talk about shit you don’t care about.

10. Third parties get involved or give their opinion about what is or isn’t working in your relationship.

11. People ask when you’re going to have kids. If you already have kids, they ask you when you’re having more!

12. You’re either morally or legally abided to them. (Like marriage, you can’t just get out without getting a lawyer involved.)

13. Emotions, feelings, tend to get involved. You’re not sure if you signed up for that shit.

14. You can’t just always say and do whatever the hell you want. You have to consider your partner at times too.

Married life is like

Man: I should get another girlfriend.
Woman: Do it. It will make divorce a lot easier.

She’s serious.

Man: Let’s do it.
Woman: Do what? That? I’m good. It’s not that great.

Man: It’s your fault it’s not great.
Woman: Yeah because I enjoy a big sweaty man on top of me crushing me.

Man: I’m tired. I’m going to bed early.
Woman: No you’re not. You’re going to play on your phone in the room for two hours. You don’t want to deal with the baby.

Man: I wished I stayed at work.
Woman: Me too.

Man: Don’t spend money, work with what you got.
Woman: …

She thinks yeah, right. I’ll go spend it and not tell you amongst other things.

Man: You’re paying child support.
Woman: Haha. You think the court would give you full custody? You’d have to find daycare and you can hardly handle her over an hour.

Man: You only want help from your family.
Woman: I don’t see my family, they live an hour away. And right, if I was divorced that’s where’d I go.

No offense. She doesn’t like your family but tolerated it. She never ‘seeked help’ from anyone she’s done it on her own — your family would be the last people she’d go too.

Old flame

“Kiss me,” he said.
I did and felt nothing.
It was like kissing a statue.
It’d be better if it was a statue.
The statue wouldn’t chase me forever.

He took my clothes off.
I did it without feeling a thing.
I thought ‘what the hell am I doing?’
I stopped in the middle of it.
I said I was burning though I wasn’t.
He believed me.

He asked me, “Would you have married me if I asked you too?”
I said, “Probably not. I don’t think I was ready for marriage.”
I made an excuse to leave and left.

The contract

You are free to do what you please if you abide by these rules:

 

1. Give me money I don’t really need to pay off a loan.

2. Only talk to me during specific times, I can’t be bothered by your nonsense unless it involves money.

3. No talking or looking at the opposite sex unless it involves work.

4. The opposite sex can’t talk or look at you because I will kick his ass.

5. If you cheat on me, I’ll either end it or get even.

6. You have to pay attention to me when I want it or I’ll get mad.

7. Don’t bother me with what goes on in your life.

8. Don’t talk about emotions.

9. Follow these rules or I’ll threaten divorce.

10. If you want a divorce, find a place to live and I’ll send the papers.

Love questions and predictions

Is he my soulmate?
No, if he was your soulmate you wouldn’t be asking me this question.

 

When will I meet the one?
When you stop thinking about it.

 

When are we getting married?
When he decides to commit, if ever.

 

What time are we getting married?
Never because you’re concerned with time.

 

How old will I be when I married?
Older.

 

Does he think of me?
You already know the answer to this question, you’re looking for validation.

 

Why does he message his ex?
He still has some kind of relationship with her.

Why I don’t want to get married or have kids.

Philosophy: You’re in a prison sentence once you decide to get married. You made a lifetime commitment. Once you have kids, you’re no longer in prison. Your life is completely over.

 

Marriage

For me to get married, I need to find someone that fits me. I mean, really fits me. I can’t be with someone if I know I’m not going to be happy or annoyed 24/7. That’s not a healthy relationship.

At the point I am at in my life right now I can’t think about marriage. I haven’t exactly came to my full, to accept another person’s full. I can love all I want, I just can’t make that big of a commitment.

 

Children

Kids generally annoy me. It’s not that I hate them or am a bad person, it’s just I have no patience. Yelling and crying sets me off. I can’t imagine having to take care of one.

If I were to get pregnant right now, I would get an abortion. It sounds bad but hey, I have to be honest with myself. I am no position to have a kid right now nor do I want one. I don’t think bringing a child in my chaos, unhappiness, instability, and confusion is best for the child either. I would be automatically setting the child up for a difficult life. Maybe a child ten years from now, who knows — and if I even want one. I don’t know.

Past vs. Present — Marriage

Past:

 
-Marry someone because they have money. (If you love them, it’s a bonus.)
-Marry someone to move up in society.
-If you don’t marry, you’ll be an old maid.
-It is best to marry young — like fifteen years old.

 

Present:

 
-Marry someone because it makes sense. (You love them, they have money, been dating for years, or you already have kids together.)
-Marry someone to start your own family — away from mom and dad and/or society.
-If you don’t marry, you can pretty much do whatever you want without having to commit to someone.
-It is best to marry… maybe when you’re forty years old. There’s way too many awesome opportunities this world has to offer.

And face it, the last thing you want to do is marry someone asshole and get pregnant — and sign divorce papers a few months after you have that baby.