Atypical

white rich man
dresses in suits
drives some expensive
sport car that sucks
in the snow
has Trump stickers,
hats, signs, etc
all over his office
to vote for him
because you don’t
like or trust the other candidate
is one thing but to actually
full on support and like him
is another… in my opinion

I’m forced to go in
each morning
and collect his trash
I can tell he never
brings anything,
always orders
I did too, when I worked
at a mall with disgusting food
who am I to judge
no one

Exactly my point
you’re old enough
to be my father
I don’t want any
stupid flowers or
awkward conversations
and interactions with you
cut the chase
no, I’m not going there
with you
I’d sleep with the man
moving all shit around
before you
and he doesn’t even
have a car

What’s his name

he’s tall
he’s jacked
he’s the only one
around here I had a
few conversations with
he knows my name
I don’t know his

maybe it’s
for the best
I know myself
too well
one thing will lead
to another
and that’s that
I have the tendency
not to get attached
but they do
I’m at my point in life
I don’t need that
it doesn’t mean
a thing

Creeper

How do I tell if someone is just being friendly or something else I can’t another word for besides ‘weird’?

“Hi, how are you?” Okay, so that’s what everyone says. Nothing out of the ordinary.

“What are you doing this weekend?” Nothing spectacular. Only a conversation starter.

“What about this weather?” Yeah, it’s hot out. “I can stand heat, not the cold.” Now I’m getting bored… any reason to talk to me, right? I might be blonde but I’m not stupid.

“Hi…” looks up and down at you.

Maybe it’s my imagination. Wait, why is he watching me? How did he know I went upstairs. Is he following me or watching me on camera? Probably.

Am I in trouble? No. Do I have a creeper on my back? Yes. Let me think… nope.

I don’t do games with men. I played games with men that didn’t follow me around and upfront told me what they wanted. I mean I like some older men but not old enough to be my father, c’mon.

Drunk comments

“I want to suck your pie
— I mean dick”

“Why don’t you bite me?”

“Why won’t you bite me?”

“I write 10,000 words a week. I don’t have time for another boyfriend.”

“I don’t want to get pregnant again I just want sex.”

“The ground is moving.”

“I took my shirt off because I feel like it.”

“I need new boobs.”

“Why don’t you choke me?”

“I like it rough.” *laughs and almost falls on ass*

Married life is like

Man: I should get another girlfriend.
Woman: Do it. It will make divorce a lot easier.

She’s serious.

Man: Let’s do it.
Woman: Do what? That? I’m good. It’s not that great.

Man: It’s your fault it’s not great.
Woman: Yeah because I enjoy a big sweaty man on top of me crushing me.

Man: I’m tired. I’m going to bed early.
Woman: No you’re not. You’re going to play on your phone in the room for two hours. You don’t want to deal with the baby.

Man: I wished I stayed at work.
Woman: Me too.

Man: Don’t spend money, work with what you got.
Woman: …

She thinks yeah, right. I’ll go spend it and not tell you amongst other things.

Man: You’re paying child support.
Woman: Haha. You think the court would give you full custody? You’d have to find daycare and you can hardly handle her over an hour.

Man: You only want help from your family.
Woman: I don’t see my family, they live an hour away. And right, if I was divorced that’s where’d I go.

No offense. She doesn’t like your family but tolerated it. She never ‘seeked help’ from anyone she’s done it on her own — your family would be the last people she’d go too.

How to lose a man quickly

Tell him you have a boyfriend or you’re married
While that may or may not be true, he’ll feel like he lost and give up.

Tell him you’re gay or bisexual
He’ll expect it’s not him you want.

Go workout, get soaked in sweat and forget to shower afterwards
Having to smell your natural odors will definitely turn him off.

Get drunk and text him something stupid
He’ll question your intelligence.

Have sex with the person he hates
How could you? It’s worse than cheating though you’re not in a relationship.

Display interest in someone else
Competition? Nah.

Be obnoxious and rude as hell
When in doubt be the worst possible version of yourself. If that doesn’t work, he obviously is a robot or alien.

‘What about us?’

He wondered
all the times he saw me
and I pretended he didn’t exist
I told him to leave me alone
I was trouble and didn’t know
what I wanted
though we both knew that
was a lie
and I wanted the badass
it wasn’t just psychical
I thought
we had a connection
I loved him
or I said I did anyway
to shot the other guy down
it worked
but he didn’t stop
looking at me
thinking of me
or being hurt
each and everyday
I intentionally ignored
the hell out of him
to push him away
not face the obvious
sexual attraction
and tension between us

Why?
in my mind it was
the right thing to do
I had two much going on
with two other people
last I needed was a third
I thought if I let him go
he’d find someone
that deserves him
that’s not as wild
and unpredictable as me
someone he doesn’t claim

‘led him on’ like I did
though I didn’t
it just didn’t happen
at the time
whether or not it will
that’s for us to decide
until then people will
say and think whatever
the hell they want
so what
we finally started talking again

Walk Away

I could say hello but I’m not interested in small talk
seeing your number makes me want to vomit
seeing your face makes me want to bash it in a million pieces

 

I could explain why I stopped talking to you out of the blue
but I refuse to be interrogated for something I didn’t do

 

I could rant on and on about the things you said and did
that no other man, a stable respectful man would do
you want to say it’s part of your culture or religion
if that were true, you give your people a bad name

 

You don’t listen or take a clue

 

I told you numerous times
you and I would never work out
I don’t like high heels
I don’t want your hands around my neck
I don’t appreciate the comments about
you having a threesome with my younger sister and I

 

I would never convert to Islam
or make an effort to learn your language
you forced high heels on my feet like I was
Cinderella and you were Prince Charming
(yeah, right)
you choked me and slapped my face
you showed me a knife and made a joke
about taking my life
I saw less and less of you
you began to stalk my younger sister and
her friends on Facebook
I told you that was the last straw

 

I told you I didn’t like you as much as you liked me
you proceeded to ask me out
I walked away without answering your requests to see you again
or answering your question, “Do you have someone else?”
I responded, “None of your business.”

I’m looking for:

A hot muscular guy with a big dick.

 

REQUIREMENTS:

 

Lots of money

No history of cheating on a partner

Be okay with me potentially cheating on him

Likes to have a lot of sex

Cannot suck in bed

Ability to cook and clean for self

Must be okay with the fact I don’t cook or clean

Be creative AND athletic

Not in love with Adam Sandler movies

Doesn’t complain or argue

 

BENEFITS:

Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, etc.