What’s his name

he’s tall
he’s jacked
he’s the only one
around here I had a
few conversations with
he knows my name
I don’t know his

maybe it’s
for the best
I know myself
too well
one thing will lead
to another
and that’s that
I have the tendency
not to get attached
but they do
I’m at my point in life
I don’t need that
it doesn’t mean
a thing

I’m not trying

I’m married
I have a baby
my everything life
is going despite
the coronavirus bullshit
do I wonder, ‘what if?’
yes
though all these
things happened
with him
before the others

‘What others?’
I’m not getting into it
but I had no problem
telling him
the people I was seeing
besides him
he’s even seen my artwork
nobody else has
mistakenly
but still
he wasn’t just a person
I was sleeping with
he was my friend
everytime shit hit the fan
I went to see him to talk
even if he had
other intentions
I didn’t care
he saw me for what I was
never fed me lies
but questioned every time
‘why I never picked him?’

Because
some things you won’t forget
like the times he
forced himself upon me
and recorded it
and the threesome he tricked
me into

‘You enjoyed it’
he said
I did not
being an aggressive prick
doesn’t make anyone want
to stay with you

‘But your husband is’
he can be
when he’s pissed off
who isn’t?
but he knows what
‘Fuck off’ means

Footage of an ‘Aquarius moon’ experiencing emotions

.
..

I don’t feel anything. I’m emotionally numb and retarded. The only emotions I know are lust, desire, passion, and anger. I only feel lust, desire, and passion in bed. After I do it there’s nothing there. I’m empty. Someone pisses me off, I turn in 2 seconds to a raging asshole. Do I yell? Not unless I’m married to you. Strangers, acquittances, and co-workers I can forget about just as fast as they pissed me off. But if, I don’t I have some history, relationship, or interest in you — it’s different. I stay mad longer. Sometimes I don’t realize I’m mad until I’m alone in my head. Do anything about it? I try. But sometimes, the physical and creative work I do isn’t enough. So I get drunk and high a bit. It does nothing but get me out of myself. Do I have a problem? No. I don’t think drinking a few times a month or smoking weed once a blue moon means you have a problem. It’s a problem when you use them as a crutch. I don’t. I wish I could but that’s not me. I have a daughter now. I would never put her or myself in that position. I don’t even do those things when she’s around. I don’t judge people but they judge me. I don’t care enough about people in general to care what they’re doing.

‘Hippie girl’ issues

She’s supposed to be in a ‘committed’ relationship but she wanders. She flirts with other people. She won’t necessarily sleep with them unless they get stuck in her brain. Should she have the opportunity? She probably would. Men love her. Women that know her business are either jealous or call her a whore behind her back. She doesn’t care. She doesn’t really believe in restrictions or negativity. If you want to do something, do it. You’re an adult. Why the fuck do people care what you do? They’re not doing anything. They’re not as careless and free as you. It’s not to say, she’s completely heartless and can’t love. She does. She’s passionate as hell. She has a hard time letting go, she lets things run it’s course. The problem is; sometimes she loves, likes, or desires more than one person at a time. That’d create conflict with the more ‘conventional’ people. She’s not an Aquarius sun, she’s a Scorpio sun with Aquarius moon and rising in the first house. She has more of a heart of an Aquarius than an Aquarius sun does.

14 reasons relationships suck

Missed Valentine’s Day this year so here’s 14 thoughts about why relationships are stupid.



1. If you’re dating, you’re obligated to buy something for your partner every holiday. Miss one? See what happens.

2. At one point you’ll be asked when you’re going to commit, if you’re already committed they ask you when you’re going to be single.

3. You can’t always say what you’re thinking unless you want to create tension or have an argument.

4. You can’t spend money on whatever the hell you want without your partner either getting suspicious or bitching at you for spending.

5. You’ve been in a relationship or married a while? Your romance is dead. The letters, gifts, and spontaneity died a while ago.

6. Your sex sessions got less and/or shorter. Why? You’ve done everything at this point and your partner feels like they no longer have to work for it. They just want to hit it and go back to sleep.

7. Unless you have an open relationship, you can’t sleep with whoever you want if those needs aren’t being met.

8. You can be attracted too one or multiple people when you’re still in a relationship but again, can’t act upon unless you want drama.

9. You have to listen to your partner talk about shit you don’t care about.

10. Third parties get involved or give their opinion about what is or isn’t working in your relationship.

11. People ask when you’re going to have kids. If you already have kids, they ask you when you’re having more!

12. You’re either morally or legally abided to them. (Like marriage, you can’t just get out without getting a lawyer involved.)

13. Emotions, feelings, tend to get involved. You’re not sure if you signed up for that shit.

14. You can’t just always say and do whatever the hell you want. You have to consider your partner at times too.

I published a book

“Hippie Girl” is based on real events from my life. It’s fictionalized for legal and storytelling reasons.

‘Oh, you’re trying to cover you ass?’ Maybe. I mean, I still work at the place all the chaos and illegal shit went down. I recall asking a few people in the story of it was okay I’d use them such as my sister, husband, and mother. All the names have been changed too.

‘Why?’ To respect people’s privacy, legal reasons, and we don’t need the assholes to know I definitely wrote about them!

‘So then, what is it about?’ You have to read it to find out, haha. If you’ve been here awhile you have an idea. All my work together could create a version of this fucked up story.

But basically… this girl, Lila finds herself constantly in weird situations with guys. Her mother’s death definitely didn’t help any. It’s like she replaced one problem for another! Eventually, shit happens and she has to leave all of that behind.

‘Is Lila you?’ Yes and no. Yes, she goes through some shit I did. And no, that’s not my name and she’s a ‘fictional’ character.

‘What does your husband think?’ He wants to read it but I don’t think that’ll be a good idea. We talked about it’s context last night. He seemed to have forgot I had a threesome.

‘Why I didn’t publish it under my marital name?’ Well, for the fact I want to have my private life, private and I’m the only Sandra in this world I know of work that last name. I doubt I’ll ever be that big. But either way, I don’t want to be found! Whereas my maiden name, good luck! I also had this conversation with my mother before she passed and my husband before we married. My mother said, ’it’s your name, do what you want’.

‘What are you doing next?’ Honestly, I don’t know. If you want my honest opinion this story isn’t going to be successful. That’s okay, I knew that. It’s an odd story. Nobody knows who I am. It’s probably not that great. I didn’t even want to write it but it was a monkey on my back. Now the air is clear I can focus on things I actually want to write. It’s not about money. Nobody is paying me shit expect my employer!
 

Head against the wall

I was happy
I came back from
a wild weekend
with my man

Then you had to look at me
and blow up my phone again
flirt with me
ask me for nude pictures
I didn’t send
talk and turn cold on me
again

I don’t know why
you couldn’t just leave me alone
like I told you too months ago
I was doing fine and good
without you speaking to me
now I’m overthinking
what the goddamn hell
spit it out
act upon it
or I’m gone again

I don’t do the patience thing
I thought it was clear
the first time I ran off
but at least I had the balls
to tell you what it was
though you didn’t like it

Then some others probably
suggest I calm and express
my feelings in a
non-aggressive manner
I’m not a talk about
my feelings type of person
maybe if he was an actual
man I’d show him
but I can’t if it’s not there
I liked him but he’s an idiot
he’s not any different
or special from the others

Three words

“I love you”
he said
I didn’t question it
though I had a million
reasons why I should

I knew
his lips
his body
I liked upon mine
how I felt with him
was different
I was myself

I didn’t have to fake
I didn’t have legal ties
I didn’t have reasons to lie
we were us

I listened to him
he listened to me
we had two completely different
lives and situations
but none of that matter

We were naked

Really Awkward

Guy

Do you love me?

 

Girl

I don’t know what love is.

 

Guy

How much you love me?

 

Girl

I don’t know, how much do you love me?

 

Guy

A little.

 

Later…

 
 

Girl

It was really awkward.

 

Girl’s friend

Why?

 

Girl

I don’t love him.

 

Girl’s friend

Why didn’t you just tell him that?

 

Girl

Maybe I will next time I see him.

 

Girl’s friend

Why are you going to see someone you don’t love?

 

Girl

He’s good in bed.

 
 

Moral of the story: See someone you don’t love because they’re good in bed?

Guys, this is why we cheat.

Something is not right.

Get the vibe you are cheating.

 

You’re playing games.

Purposely withholding attention as a form of punishment for something that bothered them.

 

The sex sucks.

There is little to none. You seem uninterested, and couldn’t care a less about it.

 

The communicate sucks.

Don’t know what you think or feel. I can’t tell you my thoughts or feelings, you seem uninterested or quick to judge or pass it off as pointless.

 

Lack of attention.

Doesn’t acknowledge or appreciate the work I do. I could be the president of the United States, you would still sit around and say, “Okay.”

 

Boring.

We can’t really go anywhere or do anything because limited money. I want adventure and fun, and I can’t get it.

 

Too much conflict.

Arguments, and a million other things going on.

 

One-sided.

It feels like I am the only one putting forth the effort to sort out our problems. I am changing my method, ways, thoughts, and feelings about things —  I haven’t seen you do anything.

 

Testing the waters.

Think I found someone better, and we may actually have something in common. I don’t want to dump you because it may not work out with the other guy.