New rule at work: List everything you do

-Clean the entire place in less then an hour.
-Watch crazy coworker clean shit that’s already clean.
-Dodge maintenance ‘supervisor’ because he’s a snake and I don’t like him.
-Write a novel when I’m supposed to be ‘working’.
-Walk around numerous times so I look busy after all my shits been done hours ago.
-Check email and Instagram.
-Listen to podcasts, get bored and listen to trashy music instead.
-Do trash talking trash with my sister.
-Be annoyed by my husband.
-Ponder other things.
-Drink a lot of caffeine.
-Constantly creating my own schedule though I’m not supposed too.
-Constantly stopping myself from reacting/acting upon what I’m really thinking/feeling about someone.

Things I do well.

Stuff my face with junk.
Chocolate. Chips. Cookies. Ice Cream.


Coffee. Water. Vodka.


At the gym. Outside in the sun.


Fuck. Fucking. Ass. Asshole. Suck my dick. Bitch. Cock.


Not sleep.
Watch videos. Look up stupid shit on the internet.


Have sex.
It’s amazing what a couple drinks can do.


Win an argument.
Call him a fucking asshole. I win. He likes it when I swear.


Get out of a ticket.
Lie. My turning signal just broke. I’m going home to fix it.

Things to do before I’m 30.

My sister requested I make this list. (And put lesbian number 3.)

1. Get a real job.
2. Move down south.
3. Be a lesbian. (I’m gay? Is it because I said I would be open to trying things with a woman?)
4. Make a porno.
5. Jump off an airplane.
6. Have sex on a beach.
7. Paint on a building. Hope it’s legal.
8. Tan outside naked.
9. Smoke pot at parties.
10. Get drunk off moonshine. That shit is good.
11. Turn my collection of sunglasses into artwork.
12. Have a threesome. One guy, two girls.
13. Write a song.
14. Get drunk and sing karaoke/dance on stage.
15. Make a YouTube video of me drunk.
16. Go in public with a bunch of paint on my face.
17. Tell a random person on the street to fuck off.
18. Have sex with an older rich guy.
19. Travel places.
20. Light stupid objects on fire.

… Pray to god I strike rich or marry money. Pray to god if I do marry by then, it’s not some asshole — and there are no kids.