Curious questions


What do you do?

What do you mean? I don’t sit around and write poetry and manuscripts. I have a real job and I’m a mother. 

Why don’t your parents watch your daughter?

My parents are dead. When my father was alive he wouldn’t, he was gambling and wandering streets. I only saw him a few times a year. 

Do you have other family? 

Five siblings spread all over the place. I know what you’re going to ask me and the answer is no. It’s next to impossible for them to see my daughter and even me. 

What happened to your parents?

Is this an interrogation about my family or you’re trying to stick your nose in places it doesn’t belong? My mother died of cancer in 2017. My father was hit and killed by a car the day before Thanksgiving in 2020. 

We didn’t know you were applying to be a cop. Why? It doesn’t seem like you. 

Do you know me? No. I’m bored with my life and I found an opportunity and applied. Also, maybe it has to do with my mother. She was a security guard and I thought she was a cop when I was little because she chased some bad guy and got him arrested. 

Blah blah blah blah blah. Why? How? 

What? I wasn’t paying attention. I strongly suggest you back the fuck off. You don’t know me or what I’m capable of. 

“Sexy smart lady”

he said. He’s so impressed by my life choices from what I drive and up and leaving workplaces. Haha. Is that supposed to charm my pants off and make me want to sleep with him? It doesn’t. We’ve done it before — several times. We even tried dating each other open and ‘exclusively’ a handful of times.

So what? We’re ’friends that talk and never see each other’. Why? I’m a mother. That’s the only thing that’s changed between us. He may flirt but I don’t even respond with anything suggestive or serious. Why play the game 20 year olds do? We’re in our 30s.

I’d be lying if I said I don’t like him. Obviously I do if I’m still talking to him after all this time. I never wanted to give him false hope. He was the guy I saw everytime I was conflicted over someone else. I never picked him though. He thought it was because he wasn’t enough. No, it’s because some things aren’t meant for you. We’re better off as ‘friends’.

Common endings

‘Romeo and Juliet’ type scenario
A love that is forbidden and doesn’t sense to family, friends, outsiders, society, culture, etc. And then in the end they both die and stay together for eternity. So romantic. So romantically stupid. You should just let your fucking characters live as if they were real people.

 

‘Will you marry me?’
Yeah because every story in real life ends with ‘will you marry me’? No, that’s another chapter in life.

 

A wedding
Yeah because weddings are awesome and everyone enjoys seeing one. Haha. As much as we do want our characters to be happy, we don’t need to close their story out that way. There has to be something that happens after you get married, right?

 

Proposal, marriage, and babies
Why? That’s how we think it should go. People get married and have babies. Yes. We still want to believe there’s more chapters in life than that. You know, marriages end. Family members die. Your babies grow up. You change jobs. You may travel some places.

 

Or…

Graduations
Ceremonies
Parties
Trips

 

All events that happen in life but common, so boring and unoriginal. Something different…

The best note I ever left

‘I should not under any circumstances deal with passive aggressiveness every time there’s an issue with my daughter… not a coincidence when something happens and the next day, another petty thing.’ I left the damn keys in the closet with my uniform shirts and left without a word. Few hours later she asked me when I’m returning from lunch. I didn’t respond.

My best attempt at still trying to be ‘professional’ and straight to the point before I walked away.

What I really meant? Haha, prepare yourself.

The review I read about having to be a “yes man” to work there is true. I’ve been biting my tongue and fighting my urge to fucking leave for six months now. I do my job so fast and well you’re busy looking for stupid shit because you’re bored. Cobwebs? A little dust in a corner? A tiny mark on the toilet seat? Really!? You know the only people that find those things are looking for it or OCD!

Anyway, your problem with me is I didn’t “Hello” or “Good morning” most of the time. Why the hell would I go out of my way to talk to you? I don’t give a shit if you’re my ‘supervisor’. It should be nice when I do it but not expected all the time. Then, well my daughter is sick. Not Covid. Not something I made up to call off of work. You had kids you should know how that is. It’s not like I called off to get out of working. If you didn’t believe me you could have requested a doctors note. Did you? No. Instead you’re all blah blah blah you’re ‘too fast’ and I want you to do more boring detail work.

‘And also the fire extinguishers…’ listen you dumb bitch I’ve told you months ago what was going on with them. And I’ve also been doing the same shit the past six months. Now it’s an issue because I called off for my daughter!? Really? REALLY!?!?!?!? Someone was on a power trip AGAIN because something didn’t go her way. And I’m permanently done being some fucking servant for slow boringass people.

“We married our first love,”

said some broad from a 90s show I heard but didn’t watch. She also said that’s why they were divorced or not happy. Then I can’t help but think of my first love.

To be honest, I don’t even know. I’ve been in and out of love numerous times in my life. So it makes me wonder, what is the legit feeling? The feeling of being ‘in love’ fades whether you’re with someone for six months or years.

I think back to when I was seventeen and ‘in love’ with this guy from Argentina. I talked to him for years and he helped me get over my middle school crush I blamed for my eating disorder back then. ‘He liked a model and it wasn’t me, I’m blahblahblah’ teenager garbage. Long story short I eventually met him and my mother sent my big brother to kick his ass. She was pissed I met someone off the internet. We still snuck around and talked. We were going to runaway to NYC and get married. My dream was to be a model (HAHA) and he wanted to be director. He asked me to marry him and even started working on my ring.

I’m not sure what happened next but I guess, I developed a crush on a college boy and he was history. Then I had one relationship after another, sometimes with multiple people, and told him about it. So, we still talked only as friends and occasionally do to this day.

Now I’m married and have an one and half year old. He’s still single but I guess he’s happy in whatever country he’s in doing photography. My dream is and always been writing and editing. It’s crazy to think it’s been fourteen years.

Year of 2020

Publish a few things
no one reads
shutdown everything
for almost 6 months
laid off
make everyone wear
masks and ‘social distance’
start new job
be forced to sanitize
until my hands are dry
get a new car
hardly leaves the house
besides kickboxing and work
father gets struck and killed
by a car
get covid from in-law
watch my husband whine
and not take care of the kid
have a hard time getting
back to work
because they don’t understand
you can test positive up
to 3 months
meanwhile everyone else can
get back to a story no one
will probably read
look for a new job
them expecting I can do
a virtual interview with
a baby in the background

My year has been great
the painting of my mother’s
obituary picture holding
my daughter
I received on Christmas
was the cherry on top
as if I need to be
reminded of shit
this year has done it
I quit

You know what kills people too?
Cars and cancer
but no one is talking about it
this year
yes, people are dying
that is real
I had a mild case of covid
a little cough and stuffy nose
and I survived
if I was older, who knows

Alright

I see how it is
curiosity killed the cat
that’s okay I probably
wouldn’t have taken it
I’m probably going
somewhere else in 2021

You know
you don’t know someone
based on their cover
you’re lucky to have
parents alive
I don’t
guess what?
It’s a reality you’ll
have to face someday
I just faced it sooner

I’m not an alien
I’m ahead of all
of you

Pandemic?
Guess what?
I wear a mask
everywhere
wash my hands
sanitize
and I still got
COVID!
I only visit
stores twice a month
maybe
and never eat out!

Why?
Well someone was
sick and selfish
put him seeing my
daughter over
everyone’s welfare

Older people care?
Please, they’re just
as ignorant!

So I’m supposed
to sit here and watch
you idiots?
Nope

You can either
live in fear
or accept reality

‘I’ve COVID’ response

If I get sick it’s you and your husbands fault!
How dare you come if you knew he was sick!?

First off, it was my husbands father that got sick and felt symptoms but had to be around us. Second, I didn’t know shit about him feeling sick until he said he was getting tested.

How careless are you?
Hey, fucking idiot. I have an infant. I follow all precautions. I don’t want her to get sick. You know she got sick too because of this shit!

How are you feeling?
I’m okay. My daughter is. My husband acts like he’s dying. I’m sick of it. If I’m tired I can’t sleep I’m the full time babysitter.

Who did you infect?
Contact tracing called me. I haven’t been remotely close to anyone. It’s not my fault one member in the household is reckless. Makes me wonder if I ever want them to watch my daughter.

Memories of my father

when I was a baby
he was never around
he was in the Coast Guard
when I was little I sat
on his big stomach and
ate popcorn
I went grocery shopping
with him every weekend
he took my mother’s paycheck
sometimes he took me
to the casino
when I was 9 I had a fit
at church because I didn’t
want to be there he hit me
on the side of my leg
my parents split
when I was eleven
I wasn’t aware of it
I thought when my mother
said we were moving,
he was coming
I was wrong

Did he try to see us?
yes, he got into a fight
with her boyfriend and that
was the last time he came
there to try

So then
he sent me birthday
and Christmas cards
every year
since then
sometimes he called
I hardly answered
I saw him only on some
holidays at church
as I got older
when my mother passed
he was at my sister’s house
on Thanksgiving and Christmas
to see us

He showed up at
the hospital when I had
my daughter though a few
months earlier I cussed him
out for making a comment
about me being big
— I was pregnant

Was he there when I was
growing up?
Yeah, here and there
when I was a kid
though half the time
he was gone gambling
when I was a teenager, no
I mean good luck for
anyone trying to get to me then

The last time I spoke to
him was the day after my birthday
he was excited to see
my daughter on Thanksgiving
which was cancelled by coronavirus
and cancelled farthermore
by the asshole that
ran him over and killed him
the night before

Sooo, all that gaps
in my life of him not being there
he made some kind of effort
though I hardly saw him
or knew anything about him
he took some interest what
was going on in my life
it’s unclear to me
if someone or something
prevented him from seeing us
besides his dislike of my
mother’s ‘boyfriend’
but you can’t blame him
he’s also told me to
talk to my father
some answers I’ll never get
what the hell happened?

So, now
I’m a parent and
realize time is a gift
if this was my last
moment on Earth
that’s who I’d want
to be with

My daughter,

I wish I could
take away the pain
you’ll feel someday
I’m not around
and your father
isn’t either
having lost
both parents is
a different feeling
than losing your mother
you were close too

You’re a parent
with no parents
unless you have kids
before I die
or one of us passes
when he/she is an infant
your child will grow up
not knowing us, only stories
it’s not the same
then you have to watch
other kids with grandparents
and think, hey that could
have been my daughter/son
with them
and live with that the rest
of your life

Unfortunately, that’s what
life is for many of us
parents are supposed to go
before you do
but you wish, the timing was
different
life doesn’t care if you’re
ready or not
that’s why they say live it
nothing is permanent but death

I wasn’t ready for you
after my mother passed
actually, I didn’t think
I’d ever be ready to be a mother
I didn’t want to get married
I didn’t want to settle down
but I did
then I got pregnant for you
and thought of getting an abortion
the second I heard your heartbeat
I knew
you were going to be my daughter
from there you will learn
to be graceful, strong, powerful,
smart like the women before you
and have things I didn’t
that’s what we want for our kids