30 lessons in 30 years

1. 99% of the things I do is a waste of time.
2. You won’t make any money doing something you love or you’re good at, people that do are far and between.
3. My ability to give a fuck decreases with age.
4. Almost everyone will pronounce your name wrong even if it is simple, even if you correct them a million times — let them look stupid.
5. If you’re going to spend money on makeup, get something that makes a difference.
6. College was a waste of time and money.
7. I don’t care what people say, there is no cure for cancer. Cancer is a death sentence.
8. Differences in time zones.
9. You probably shouldn’t blow a stop sign in the neighborhood, there may be a cop around the corner.
10. If you know what you’re doing at any dance, kickboxing, or fitness class older women comment on how you should be an instructor.
11. I hate people and I still hate people. That’s why I have a job behind the scenes yet they still bother me.
12. Never wear blue lip gloss.
13. Temporary blue hair color is permanent. It doesn’t matter if it says it’ll washout in 5 days, it won’t! It’ll stay green for weeks…
14. Don’t spend money on nice sunglasses or boots, they’ll get destroyed.
15. Any idiot can bake, expect your husband. It’s called read instructions.
16. DNA is subjective.
17. You don’t know shit about being pregnant or having a newborn until you do.
18. Having a baby hasn’t changed the fact I still think and feel the same way about people and don’t want them around her.
19. The myth, ‘your hair will shed’ months after giving birth is true.
20. The bigger the tattoo, the more it itches.
21. Relationships and people are a dime a dozen.
22. Check reviews before you do anything from buying something to watching a movie.
23. The only thing you’ll ever truly be OCD about in life is laundry and coffee.
24. If you’re desperate for extra money, don’t work cleaning at a gym part time unless you’re confident you won’t get some weird disease.
25. Avoid anything that fells like a sweatshop.
26. Walk away from jobs and people you know isn’t working.
27. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been dancing since 4 or 20, a good dancer can learn anything.
28. Try to avoid construction zones.
29. Mother died with secrets.
30. You don’t know what love or sacrifice truly is until it slaps you in the face.

What I learned having a baby

I don’t want to do again. Hell, I didn’t even plan this.

I stand people less
Mainly in-law relatives I already wanted nothing to do with, now it’s worse. Then people at the grocery store that don’t want to leave us the fuck alone when we’re trying to get out of there!

Maybe I get my ego from my mother
I’m independent so much to the point I don’t ask for help nor want it. Why? Because the second I hand her to someone, say my husbands parents — they ask me a million questions or hands her back the second she fusses. I’m the only one that can handle her so I might as well. I don’t have parents at this point in my life. I don’t need you to parent me or my child!

Maybe I’m also controlling and over protective
Controlling in the stance — she has a certain time she goes to bed and a time period when she needs to eat or she’ll lose her shit. Over protective in the stance, again — I’m not convinced anyone, even her father can take care of her. I woke up one morning with him losing his shit SHOVING food down her throat! Since I’ve been doing pretty much all feedings…

The love and pride my mother had for her kids before she died
She mainly did it all, despite whatever life threw at her. The men in her life were insignificant. She’d give all her money and life for her kids to live.

Now I see, I don’t love him. I live with him and care for her sake. I may have gotten married too quick. I wasn’t ready to get married 3 months after she passed. I panicked. I had no where to go. I had no other place to live. I went through with it anyway. Then I got pregnant a year later and kept it because I saw/heard the heartbeat. I wouldn’t die for him. I wouldn’t risk anything in my life for his sake. For her I would.

29 lessons

Because I’m bored at work and am going to be 29 in a month and half, I did this…

 

1. Not all teachers are bad, only those that compare you to your siblings.
2. Don’t give back something someone gave you.
3. Don’t tell your loud classmate a ‘secret’.
4. Too much blue lip gloss is not cute.
5. Don’t starve yourself for a boy.
6. Being quiet at times is part of your personality.
7. Being detached is part of your nature and you express emotions differently.
8. Don’t start believing in God because people think you should.
9. Not everyone will know what you know, see or believe what you do.
10. Sex is sex — physical and meaningless.
11. Don’t have sex with someone with obsessed with you.
12. Don’t joke about a threesome with a crazy man because it will happen.
13. Plan B will fuck up your cycle.
14. Try not to have sex with co-workers or supervisors.
15. Marriage is a contract, it shouldn’t be that way but it is.
16. Nothing is permanent.
17. Dancing is fun when it’s not structured.
18. Always a runner — physically and emotionally.
19. How to hide things; give partial truths, light, or realistic lies.
20. Don’t trust the man.
21. A lot of people around you are high or on drugs.
22. Taking a ‘sleep aid’ won’t help your supposed sleep disorder or PTSD.
23. You never think before you speak.
24. Never say those three words unless you mean it.
25. Dairy is not your friend.
26. Math is not your friend.
27. Your mother never agreed with your choices but wanted you to be happy.
28. You shouldn’t feel guilt for something you didn’t do.
29. Marijuana was a temporary fix for your anger issues, you’re better without it.

What I learned in college

My writing sucks.

It’s confusing, improper, and there’s too many errors. I might as well give up, there is no future being a writer unless I want to live with my mother forever.

 

I’m not just crazy, I’m clinically crazy now — it’s all your fault.

Anxiety, OCD, manic bi-polar, and narcissistic — all things I WASN’T before but am convinced I am now.

 

I still have no friends and no one likes me.

I still don’t give a flying fuck.

 

I’m still not over that one asshole and I’m still dating an asshole.

Think college would change how I secretly wish they’d get their head out of their ass? Well, it didn’t. If anything, the asshole yelling in my face and insulting me triggered me to think about other people.

 

Not everyone or everything on campus sucks.

There’s a few good people. My definition of good would most likely be the people I danced with. My most positive college experience was dancing.

 

I will never work in groups again.

It hardly ever ends well.

 

You still have to pay me for me to say something nice about someone’s work.

I’m sorry, I’m not sorry I can’t be nice or positive about someone’s writing especially when I think they are fake or their writing sucks. I’ll give them comments that aren’t rude — that’s it. I need to be true to myself even if that means not pretending to like someone or something I don’t like.

I am taught…

To be in a relationship with the opposite sex. Despite observing…

 

Man verbally abusing woman.

Woman afraid to talk to man.

Man not caring the woman is avoiding him.

Man telling another woman he loves her on the phone.

Woman not confronting the man about it.

Man continuing to lie and cheat.

Woman not caring.

Woman secretly plotting to get out.

Man is not slightly suspicious.

Man does not acknowledge what she does.

Neither one of them know what the other person thinks or feels.

Neither one of them know the person behind the mask.

 

So I am supposed to settle for this because this is all I have seen, heard, and known my entire life? Why? I would just continue the never endless cycle of bad communication and being miserable. I know I need to unlearn what my brain was taught. It is next to impossible for me to do that if every man I date fits the images of the men I have known or know in my life. Maybe, I shouldn’t be with a man. If I am attracted to women, it could be possible I should be with a woman. Then, I may have some label on my forehead. I don’t want a label. I’m just human. I learned at least that much from experience, I can say. Negative all the drama.