Missed connection

I never met someone as big as a douchebag as you. You live in a yellow cardboard box shaped house in the middle of nowhere. You go to the bar alone or with co-workers to join the rest of the townies in your area. When we first met you lied about your age. I thought you were four years older than me but you were actually eight. I figured that out when I saw your drivers license on your dresser. You said you lied your age when you were younger to get land and other benefits. You got older and lied so you can get dates with younger women because you had no intention to settle down. Of course, you lied and say you did. You broke up with me a couple of times because you wanted a ‘housewife’ and it wasn’t me. The entire time you were fucking other people and on other dating websites. You used that as excuse to go about your business. I returned the favor and joined other websites. I downgraded you as a fuck buddy as well. I found someone else and forgot about you. Or so, I thought. I miss the fun we had together, no one else was a big douchebag as you. You broke up with me the last time because I spilled your beer and didn’t clean it up. If you’re in the area and happen to see me walking on the street, don’t pull over and ask me what’s up or if I want to see you later like you have once. I mean, I said I loved someone else. Why would it be any different?

You know you had a pretty lame day when…

-You wake up at 6am. You got two hours of sleep last night.

-You consume half your weight by drinking coffee — it is not effective.

-You are pretty sure you’re related to Frankenstein. You hair is a mess. You have bags under your eyes. Your outfit makes you look as weird as you feel.

-You have to listen to a person talk and chew their food with their mouth open — if you walked away or ignored them, it would be rude.

-The most exciting thing you see is a cute dog walking.

-It is cold outside.