30 Scorpio secrets

Because I’m turning 30…

 
1. Your boyfriend flirted with me.
2. Your boyfriend kissed me — he’s a bad kisser, don’t worry I don’t want to sleep with him!
3. Slept with someone’s boyfriend, not intentionally of course.
4. When in Rome…
5. If I have to think about my feelings for you, they’re non-existent.
6. Hooked up with an ex(s) once, twice, or thousand times because the sex was good.
7. Don’t have any/many friends.
8. Like to be alone, value solitude, and don’t need people to be happy.
9. If I’m in a relationship with you and don’t want to have sex with you; you can be sure you’re either turning me off or I’m sleeping with someone else.
10. Depending on who you are, I probably won’t give you an honest answer how many people I slept with.
11. I do pick and choose.
12. I don’t find people fascinating.
13. Ideas are more interesting.
14. If you want to seduce me, don’t bother. I either want you or I don’t.
15. Should I think about an ex? It’s only because they were good in bed and I’m bored with you.
16. I go to the gym for my sanity, not because I’m trying to lose weight or reach some goal.
17. I don’t believe in one soulmate, we have many.
18. These days I spend more time fantasizing about doing crazy shit to my hair.
19. I was a terrible student.
20. Yeah, teachers and peers didn’t get me. I lived in my own world and didn’t care.
21. I developed thick skin early in life.
22. Sometimes I could be angry and not know why.
23. I assume most people don’t like me and I’m okay with that, I don’t like most people.
24. I can be secretive but trust me, I’m brutally honest too.
25. I’m probably hiding some past things from my partner.
26. I probably hide my money too.
27. There is but one person I truly trust in this world, myself.
28. Should I check someone out? Hardly ever. They’d have to have nice arms or eyes to get my attention.
29. I don’t believe in marriage.
30. Now I understand. The only person I’ll truly love in this world is my daughter.

12 signs of dating past

Aries
He was fascinated by me being a virgin and thought I was serious about dancing in the rain naked with him. Turns out I’m nothing more than a “tease” — he hates that.

Taurus
Pick one. You want the one confused with his sexuality, worships his mother, or the one that will kiss you and not sleep with you because he has a girlfriend.

Gemini
You want someone that’ll stalk you and not make any sense? There you go. Or the one that’ll give you an open relationship… ideal if that’s what you want.

Cancer
I haven’t dated a single Cancer. Why? Because he’s either my old boss that checked every young girl out or the dude that lives miles away and has a pregnant fiancé.

Leo
I think they have nice arms? Well most of them anyway because I usually spot them at the gym. I know this guy, he’s some sponsored athlete. We never dated but I kicked his other Leo friend’s ass. We never dated either — I’m like another guy to them.

Virgo
What about them? I think I’ve meant more Virgo women than men. But my brother is a Virgo and he enjoys being single. Maybe that’s why.

Libra
Behold, all my favorite musicians are but they’re female. I’m not into girls. My sister’s ex was a Libra and he was ‘shallow and boring as hell’ according to her.

Scorpio
I’m a Scorpio. I never dated a Scorpio. Hell, I don’t know any Scorpios that dated a Scorpio. Like we have some secret agreement not to fuck with each other figuratively and literally.

Sagittarius
The lovely ‘Agent of Douche’ I called him. Maybe because I’m ‘too immature’ or maybe because he was never happy. I also spilled his beer and almost destroyed his dirt bike. I still wasn’t ‘housewife material’ enough for him.

Capricorn
The only man that was dumb enough to actually marry me. He believes in marriage and I don’t. Should come with a warning that all he’s going to do is complain about money and will try to get you pregnant.

Aquarius
He said he wanted a friends with benefits relationship… a week later told me he was in love with me and wanted to runaway with me. Not what he agreed upon. Said he has no emotions but constantly discusses how he feels…

Pisces
Asked me to runaway and marry him when I was 18. My mother wasn’t found of him because he was a lot older than me… and lived on the other side of the world. ‘He must be delusional’.

Why I wouldn’t date my Self

Me: Stop eating so much, fatass.
Self: I only had one cookie today.

Me: You mean one less cookie. I saw you eat 11 out of 12.”
Self: So what.

Me: So what? You’re going to kill me.
Self: I didn’t do shit, I stole it from my mother.

Me: So you’re a fucking thief? Fucking loser.
Self: You’re fucked up get the fuck out of my face.

Me: Fuck you.
Self: I hope you fucking die, you fucking bitch. That’s what you are.

Me: If you don’t like me so much, leave!
Self: Good, I’m already cheating on you!

Me: With him again, REALLY? What about this morning and last night? That doesn’t count.
Self: You don’t have a dick.

Me: Fuck you.
Self: Fuck you too.

Disney movie lessons

Mulan

To be a man, you have to dress and act like one? It doesn’t mean you’ll be strong as one — unless you have a hot shirtless guy training you.

 

Mulan II

You have to figure out how to keep earth, sky, day, night, sound, silence, dark, and light in balance.

 

Lion King

Life is a circle.

 

Lion King II

It’s who you are.

 

Tarzan

Trust your heart, let fate decide. If you lose your parents, you’ll be raised by monkeys. (Until one day you grow-up and fall in love with a woman that teaches you English.)

 

Pocahontas

White blonde men are ignorant assholes unless they learn how to paint.

 

The Little Mermaid

Life under the sea is better than the human world.

 

Aladdin

You steal only what you can’t afford.

Defining Swear Words

ASSHOLE

ANNOYING
SCUMBAG
SOMEONE
HATES
OR
LOVES
ENTIRELY

 

BITCH

BIG
IRRITATING
THUG
CHASING
HOES

 

CUNT

CLUELESS
UGLY
NEANDERTHAL
THAT SMELLS

 

DICK

DUMB
IRRITATING
CATS EATING
KELP

 

DOUCHEBAG

DOGS
OR
UGLY
CYCLOPS
HUMPING
EVERY
BIG
ASS
GREATLY

 

FUCK

FREE
UNLESS THERE IS
CHEAP
KOOL-AID