That’s not straight enough.
You missed a spot.
That’s a little dusty.
It smells over there.
Why don’t you get off your ass and do something? Oh, because you’re lazy and expect me too like I don’t literally take card of everything already.
You don’t have enough experience.
That’s cute but what does your written work qualify you for an actual job?
What does your experience mean? You can polish my shoes or sleep with all the men? Haha.
You’re pretty but well that’s it.
I’m overqualified to be managed by anyone. You need me a lot more than I need you. What I have nobody else does is, drive and energy. If you can’t see that, you can kiss my ass.
Tell me about yourself.
I’m a grownass woman. I’m married and have a one year old. I come from a history of shit jobs and have a college education. Oh, and I published some books you’ll never read on Amazon.
Why do you want to work for this company?
I don’t. I applied because you pay more per hour.
How much experience do you have in this field?
What you mean pushing buttons? Haha. It’s so easy my one year could do it.
Can you stand for a long period of time?
Have you even read my resume?
What makes you the ideal candidate for this job?
I don’t give a fuck.
Can you tell me more about your last job?
The owner didn’t want to pay me. The supervisor was trying to sleep with me. He knows I slept with a former supervisor and thought maybe I would. Haha. No.
Where do you see yourself within this company in 5 years?
I don’t. I don’t even want to work for you and have all these responsibilities dumped upon me.
Can you tell me about a time you went above and beyond?
For what? To get laid or paid? Lmao. Never. Nobody ever paid attention or gave two shits what I did.
Are you a team player?
Define what you mean. Are we playing a sport? Maybe. Are you trying to dump everyone’s shit on me? Fuck off.
How soon of a notice do you need if we were to hire you?
Soon enough so I can piss people off.
Get certified to be a personal trainer today!
I don’t like dealing with people, how would that job be ideal for me? Only all my income and work hours depend on people. It’s also expensive to get certified…
Try new natural condoms today!
You’re right I should use condoms but wait, are you bugging my phone and watching me have sex!?
Get birth control pills to travel with you!
You’re right I probably be on birth control but again, how do you know my business!?
Can’t do epic shit with basic people mug.
OMG, true perfect for my caffeine addiction!
2 for $24 leggings!
Really? That’s the best you could find by cracking in my search engine? So I always look for cheap leggings, I’m sick of this high waisted bullshit!
Fitness influencers wanted
That’s because the obvious, I’m a ‘brand ambassador’ for some fitness clothing line in the UK. Spoiler alert, it pays nothing. It’s nothing but free advertisement for them. So if I tried one, I’d do another? Nope. Piss off.
Jewelry ambassadors wanted
I bought a necklace for my daughter she won’t wear until she’s older online a while ago. I guess the tracking chip told them I love jewelry — I don’t.
Want to be a personal trainer? Get your free career kit today!
There’s a lot for that? Haha. You’ll do literally anything to get people’s money!
I’m not hiring you because…
You’re a woman
You can’t lift over 20lbs, do a mans job, and I don’t want the men to be distracted.
That means you may use that as an excuse to do less. You’re going out on maternity leave and I’m going to have to find someone to do your job anyway.
You have a baby
If you can’t find daycare or a sitter, how are you going to work for me? My schedule comes first, I can’t work with you. I’ll hire someone else that doesn’t have your issue.
I don’t like you
I’ll say you the position is taken or you don’t have the qualifications or experience necessary to try to let you down easy.
You don’t have the experience but you can apply anyway
It doesn’t mean I’ll hire you. I’m required by the union to interview so many people.
We don’t discriminate/we’re equal opportunity employers
We just don’t tell you we’re less likely to hire you because you’re white/black/Asian. We act like we care and try to give everyone the opportunity because we could get in trouble.