Forget about it

work after work
they think all I do is
answer the phone
no, I get to pickup
everyone else’s shit
and you know what?
I’m bad at math
I hate math
I hate people
kudos to the few
people who think
I don’t recognize them
or anything, despite
what you think or know
about me, I’ve an
excellent memory

next point, I have none
I honestly don’t care
but this one pain in the ass
won’t leave me alone
never stops teasing me
or being awkward
and I’m not patient
that’s my point
the question is how long?

‘You’re calm and not a weirdo’

she said staring at my blonde hair. I can say I’ve never heard those two words in the same sentence at a job interview in my life, ever.

I’m thinking, you think I’m calm? Yes. I’m in public and at an interview, of course I am. I’m only batshit crazy at night when my husband pisses me off. It’s honestly not hard to piss me off, I’m an expert at hiding it and either walking out or exploding if it’s serious. But let’s not talk about it.

I’m in my early thirties, by now I know how to carry myself and read people. It’s not rocket science. I am weird. I don’t pretend but I also don’t go around batshit either. I’m up before sunrise and go to the gym or run. I only drink iced coffee. I have a Bachelors degree and nothing but shitty jobs to show for it. Let’s not talk about the stories I self-published, my past, or family. And especially not anything that goes on in my head…

Being an asshole for 5 minutes

Most of you move extremely slow because you’re old, have a big ass, or are overweight. 

I absolutely love dodging slow people, you should have told me that’s in my job description. 

I guess you’re all slow minded too, many can’t get it I don’t want to talk to them. 

I have no idea who that one lady is, she thinks I’m also her servant. She’s dumb as hell. 

I’m in the dress code I don’t know why the hell you all care so much what I wear. Because I’m attractive and you’re not. I’m the most attractive female here, you see it and try to make me wear pants way too big for me as an attempt to bring me down a notch. Well it doesn’t work. 

‘Tell me about yourself’

First off, my name is pronounced how it’s spelled. It’s not difficult. If you fuck it up numerous times, I have a few choice words for you. And I wonder, did you make it through high school? Nevermind, they’ll let the dumbest idiots graduate not like it makes a difference.

I have no experience in this field at all. I applied to dozens of jobs and I probably won’t remember I applied here. I’m looking for something that pays more. Why? It’s always about money. Although, you know that’s not why I left my last job. That’s complicated. Let’s just say I had enough. And no normal workplace is like that. My current job is not. But obviously, I’m bored and don’t like what I’m doing that’s why I’m looking.

I know you really don’t care who I am or what I do on my free time. You’re just trying to creep and look for clues why I would or wouldn’t be good for the job. Yes, I have boxing gloves in my car, a one year old, and husband. What does that have to do with my abilities? Nothing. It appears I already know English better than your employees. Sooooo…

Cancelled in 2020

My job
I was working at
for about 4 years
given the opportunity
to come back
I didn’t
they kept us in
the dark
another one that
pays more came along
I took it

My toxic relationship
with my ex supervisor
no we couldn’t be
professional
he asked me for pics
and I felt like he was
constantly trying to
manipulate and hang
me for not picking him

My gym membership
at that health club
I had for a year
they kept charging us
when they closed their doors
and I can’t help but
remember how rude
the desk people were
and that one old man that
basically singled me out
every MMA class I took

My routine
I got up early to
run or rollerblade
during the pandemic
I didn’t have the luxury
to do anything else in
the morning with
everyone sleeping

All those
opportunities
phone calls
emails
voicemails
unanswered
why?
they don’t fit
like the majority
of these masks
they make us wear

Honest interview

Tell me about yourself.
I’m a grownass woman. I’m married and have a one year old. I come from a history of shit jobs and have a college education. Oh, and I published some books you’ll never read on Amazon.

Why do you want to work for this company?
I don’t. I applied because you pay more per hour.

How much experience do you have in this field?
What you mean pushing buttons? Haha. It’s so easy my one year could do it.

Can you stand for a long period of time?
Have you even read my resume?

What makes you the ideal candidate for this job?
I don’t give a fuck.

Can you tell me more about your last job?
The owner didn’t want to pay me. The supervisor was trying to sleep with me. He knows I slept with a former supervisor and thought maybe I would. Haha. No.

Where do you see yourself within this company in 5 years?
I don’t. I don’t even want to work for you and have all these responsibilities dumped upon me.

Can you tell me about a time you went above and beyond?
For what? To get laid or paid? Lmao. Never. Nobody ever paid attention or gave two shits what I did.

Are you a team player?
Define what you mean. Are we playing a sport? Maybe. Are you trying to dump everyone’s shit on me? Fuck off.

How soon of a notice do you need if we were to hire you?
Soon enough so I can piss people off.

Honest cover letter

Dear whoever reads this,

I have no experience in any of the positions I’m applying for. Why on Earth would you pick me? I’m a good worker better than the vast majority that goes by doing the minimum, gossips, or sits on their ass all day.

‘But you have nothing but a writing and cleaning background.’ Yeah, so I got out of college and never found a writing or editing job in this area. ‘What about online?’ Believe me I looked and continue to do so. Do you know how many of them ask you for money to even see employment opportunities? Many. You don’t even find anything that’s not freelance. If I want to write freelance, I have a blog.

‘So why should I pick you among everyone else that has experience and better character than you?’ So don’t pick me, I don’t give a fuck. If I have to sell myself or change who I am, I’m not interested. And actually, I make as much; if not more chasing around bust bunnies all day.

Sincerely,
Don’t waste my time

The mall was

the first one I went too as a kid
It had a ‘magic’ fountain back then

the place I went too as a teenager to get all my school clothes (they had stores back then)

where I met my future husband online from at dating website for the first time

my place of employment for three years

the place I was working at when my mother was diagnosed with cancer

where I got involved with someone I didn’t know was a satanist until he told me

where I was after I received a phone call she was dead, clocked in and out of work that day upset

where I my supervisor and I fell in love and had a fucked up relationship

the place I was working at when I was pregnant and had to leave when I was in labor

job I returned too after having a baby

job I worked with my sister and got to see here several days a week

also the job the owner tried to fuck me over numerous times and pocketed my PFL and I sued him

the place with a toxic environment and shitty new supervisor that also sexually assaulted with his girlfriend nearby

the place that wanted me back during this COVID shit part time (less money, less time with my daughter) and after everything, I didn’t see why I should it was a good place once years ago…

and so I left and got a new one

Potential employers don’t tell you

I’m not hiring you because…

You’re a woman
You can’t lift over 20lbs, do a mans job, and I don’t want the men to be distracted.

You’re pregnant
That means you may use that as an excuse to do less. You’re going out on maternity leave and I’m going to have to find someone to do your job anyway.

You have a baby
If you can’t find daycare or a sitter, how are you going to work for me? My schedule comes first, I can’t work with you. I’ll hire someone else that doesn’t have your issue.

I don’t like you
I’ll say you the position is taken or you don’t have the qualifications or experience necessary to try to let you down easy.

 
You don’t have the experience but you can apply anyway
It doesn’t mean I’ll hire you. I’m required by the union to interview so many people.

We don’t discriminate/we’re equal opportunity employers
We just don’t tell you we’re less likely to hire you because you’re white/black/Asian. We act like we care and try to give everyone the opportunity because we could get in trouble.

The Annoying Survey

Do you agree all this information is true to your knowledge? [x] Yes [] No (I can’t say no because you won’t pay me.)

What is your age? 21

What year were you born? 2015

What year is it? 1989

What best describes your ethic background? [x] Other, Specify: Northern European and Russian / possibly Middle Eastern because my father was a pathological liar, he probably lied about where he is from too.

What is your annual income? Prefer not to answer

What is the highest level of college you completed? 4 years Bachelors

How often do you consume alcohol? 1-3 times a MONTH

How much of the grocery shopping do you do? Other, Specify: Whenever I want to get something which is all the time.

Do you have any children? No

Do you have a cell phone? DO YOU?