What’s his name

he’s tall
he’s jacked
he’s the only one
around here I had a
few conversations with
he knows my name
I don’t know his

maybe it’s
for the best
I know myself
too well
one thing will lead
to another
and that’s that
I have the tendency
not to get attached
but they do
I’m at my point in life
I don’t need that
it doesn’t mean
a thing

The past

doesn’t define us
but helps us better
understand the present
and future
so, people
said or did a lot
of shit they shouldn’t
have been doing
(who hasn’t?)
they shouldn’t be hung
for it but at the same
time, they need to be
accountable and should
have taken into
consideration
hey, this might bite
me in the ass someday
and make me lose things
I’ve worked hard for

that’s why your mother
told you to
“think before you speak”

“I’m…”
“But I was…”
“I wasn’t…”
the world is done
with your excuses
look at everything
going on in the world
nobody gives a fuck
about ‘oh, poor you’
especially when you’re
an adult and have all
this money
while a lot of us
are actually struggling

It’s time to wake up
nobody cares to listen
to your narcissistic bullshit
so go back to flaunting
what you have
crying online
and posting pictures
see how many people
click ‘mute‘
(you won’t know)
or unfollow your ass

Random thoughts

Edit

Edit again.

Another ice coffee or ice tea or Gatorade? Shit I’m almost out.

There’s a sale at Victoria’s Secret, again. Really bad for my wallet but I need a new bag, shirt, pants, perfume, etc because I want it.

I haven’t planned my story app in days too busy on other websites. There’s still NOTHING new.

I’m cold I want ice cream.

Protests? Meh. I don’t care. Don’t throw rocks at my car again asshole. I’ll slap you with a lawsuit.

I sued my employer, what makes you think I won’t sue you?

I have nothing to fear the inside of my mouth. I broke my tooth and it’s decayed.

Why can’t people leave me the fuck alone and let me write in peace!?

Don’t look at me like that. Don’t look at me at all.

Face masks are stupid. This entire thing is stupid.

You remember the times it was a big deal when you went to public places with your face covered? Those days are over.

If people asked, ‘hey, did you test positive for an STD?’ every time you went in public as mush as they did COVID, well…

I’m not looking forward to going back to work.

I’m looking forward to the day I get another job.

The guy in my writing I obviously slept with. Do you need concrete details about that too?

Relationships are stupid. Marriage is stupid too. It’s a contract.

I don’t need to date assholes anymore, I live with one.

I’m emotionally unavailable because I don’t have emotions.

The only person I care about is my daughter.

Hmmm, let me think… No.

He’s hot, I’d sleep with him. Expect for the fact he’s too straight edge.

I don’t have issues in that department. I have issues in the giving a fuck department.

I think the answer is I need new sunglasses.

I need to rethink this selling on Amazon bullshit.

I don’t know what I’m planning to do with my characters in this story. I’m just writing a crime novel.

I’m not drunk. I wish I was.

I really think that much about him. I write about him sometimes. Maybe I need a therapist. Fuck that shit. I’d rather waste money other places.

Last day of work

My boss decided to keep maintenance because they’re ‘essential’ and have work to do. Despite there being an EXECUTIVE ORDER to shut it down completely. She said, “Maybe you can get unemployment.” HAHA. Yeah, tell me how that’s going for you and your men now? They’re 100% gone.

Then there was my favorite person, my ‘supervisor’ passive aggressive towards me because I told my sister (I work with) everything that’s going on. Does he know that per say? Yeah probably she wasn’t working that day I had to play messenger for my boss. Maybe his girlfriend wasn’t pleasing him again that day, who knows. Oh, I do because every time there’s an issue between them he makes passes at me and texts me asking for pictures? (LOL, I do/did work at the least professional place.) She doesn’t have a clue. I’m just glad I got away from that toxic bullshit.

New rule at work: List everything you do

-Clean the entire place in less then an hour.
-Watch crazy coworker clean shit that’s already clean.
-Dodge maintenance ‘supervisor’ because he’s a snake and I don’t like him.
-Write a novel when I’m supposed to be ‘working’.
-Walk around numerous times so I look busy after all my shits been done hours ago.
-Check email and Instagram.
-Listen to podcasts, get bored and listen to trashy music instead.
-Do trash talking trash with my sister.
-Be annoyed by my husband.
-Ponder other things.
-Drink a lot of caffeine.
-Constantly creating my own schedule though I’m not supposed too.
-Constantly stopping myself from reacting/acting upon what I’m really thinking/feeling about someone.

Life at 31 weeks

I’m done, I’ve been done being pregnant for a while! I don’t know how or why my mother did this six times and delivered each one naturally! (She had the same frame as me but 4 inches shorter than me.) I feel and look like a blimp. Now it hurts when she sticks out. The punches and kicks, not so much but that could change.

I already had to pee a lot, now it’s just worst. If I have to go, I have to go. If I wait, it will make my uterus hurt. The last thing anyone wants is a UTI. I got one not pregnant by holding my piss in. Those aren’t fun and hurt like hell — and antibiotics suck.

I’m still working. My doctor told me she won’t take me out of work unless I have complications or high blood pressure. Sometimes I need to sit. I feel like I spend 70% of my time at work now taking a piss. I can’t drive home from work without feeling like my ribs are sinking in. And certain seating positions make my back hurt.

I look in the mirror and think I’m getting fat or my body dysmorphia from junior high school is back. Comments from strangers (mainly 40+ years old) about how I’m getting big, am big, or too small do not stop. They do nothing for me but piss me off and think, you wouldn’t say that to any other person that’s not pregnant. But because I am I’m supposed to deal with it and take it as a compliment though it’s not! I’d rather you greet me about my shoes! Then she sticks out and I’m like, it’s probably mostly her or I hope so. I learned what kind of music and food she reacts too.

Modern day violin and piano covers are her thing. I don’t mind, I don’t like classical music either. Her favorite is “My heart will go on” on YouTube by Taylor Davis. It makes me wonder if I should make her first name Rose instead her middle name. I won’t though, I’ve already set my mind. I wonder if she’s going to be more musically gifted than me. Then I could say musical talent skipped 3 generations. My great grandfather was a musician and influencer. I just hope she tries to enjoy more things than strawberry Frappuccinos and sour cream and onion chips. She moves when I have it like it’s the greatest thing on the planet.

Behind the scenes is chaos and frustration at home and work. It’s a miracle that I don’t have high blood pressure. I’ve been waiting for months to unpack my stuff and have space with my husband at the so called ‘apartment’ being worked on. To the point I think she’d come out and we’d have nothing ready. She’d have to live out of suitcase like me.

Work wise, I probably have to consider what I say online. Though my report was anonymous and if he did go against me, it’d hurt him more. I know my employer is being investigated and not just for me, but a series of violations. I will get paid family leave when it’s done but obviously he’s not going to be happy in the process. It’s not my fault he didn’t have a policy in place and pocketed all the money from his employees. If you have a business you should keep up on all the policies, taxes, and safety regulations. Once the state is involved… they have the power to shut you down.

She has her baby shower this Sunday. The only thing I’m looking forward to is the cake and the 3 people I invited that are going. I’m going to be again, surrounded by strangers that need to comment on my appearance. Then some fakeass relatives on my husbands side and friends of friends. Another time I wish I could be drunk or high at a party/event and can’t. It just means we’re getting closer and hopefully everything will be set soon.

Some things I haven’t talked about

Disclaimer: I’m bored and couldn’t think of a topic.

 

I trashed my car in college with coffee cups.

It’s not a few, I had like 20 in the front and back! The place to take our garbage was in the basement. I literally had to walk 4 feet to do it but I didn’t. Not until the point I had no room.

 

I hooked up with a Satanist.

In my defense I didn’t know he was the first time we did it. By the second time I did because he told me. He said he had a Satanist bible and not to worry, he doesn’t sacrifice people or animals. But then the last time we did it, it was in the middle of the woods. I had strange vibes the whole time and felt like I was being watched but there wasn’t anyone around. Not to mention he laid in the grass and I get on top and rubbed my knees in the woodchips. He had his mouth wide open like a blowup doll the ENTIRE time. It was the WORST sex experience ever. I later found some burn marks on my knees. Not sure what happened after that but him and his friend quit work and I never saw him again. Thank God.

 

My mother that much

It doesn’t mean I don’t think about her or care less. It doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. I’m generally a private person. I don’t speak my every thought. I don’t wear my emotions on my sleeve. Sometimes maybe I’ll share a memory but not everything.

 

The rest of my family?

Sure if you’ve followed me a long time you already know my father hasn’t been in the picture since I was 11. I have 2 older brothers, 2 older sisters, and 1 younger sister. We don’t all have the same father. Outside of group messages I don’t keep in contact with my brothers, there’s no reason why I don’t. One sister I occasionally talk too, the one that lives in another state. Two of my sisters I talk too everyday. I work with one of them. Don’t ask me about my mothers boyfriend. He claimed to be like a father to us even after she passed. But then his new girlfriend moved in and he threw all of our stuff, including pictures to the curb. No one includes him in group messages anymore.

 

My day to day or week by week life being pregnant

Some people on social media do. Just what everyone wants to hear is how many times I have to piss, ribs hurt, she moves, I have acid reflex, I feel fat, etc. I’m sure me and dozens of other pregnant women have similar issues and it’s nothing new, different, or exciting.

 

My need to wear eyeliner everyday

Since high school I did because I thought it made my eyes look less small? Now it’s been over a decade and I still don’t feel right without it.

 

Issues drinking water

Water is okay but it’s boring. I tend to navigate towards Powerade or Vitamin water. I know it’s bad to over do it. Unless there’s a ton of ice in my water I’m not that interested.

“Smile”

the strange man
following me around
at work today said
like him saying that
was going to get
a reaction from me
it didn’t
I went about my business
thinking it was rude
and obnoxious for him
to even say that
and wonder why
people still say that

Give me a reason too
say something funny
or don’t be an asshole
hell find me when I’m not
a work pretending not to feel
like garbage and having to
deal with everyone’s shit
with zero clue what the hell
is going on with me and my life

It’s insignificant and unimportant
we all have problems
the least we can do is not
invade the other person’s space
and say something stupid
to piss them off
but the truth is, not everyone can
and are publicly awkward individuals
with no perception of the world
or the people around them
in society
then there’s ones like me
that know and have no choice
but to deal with these people
and they wonder why
we aren’t rays of sunshine