she said staring at my blonde hair. I can say I’ve never heard those two words in the same sentence at a job interview in my life, ever.
I’m thinking, you think I’m calm? Yes. I’m in public and at an interview, of course I am. I’m only batshit crazy at night when my husband pisses me off. It’s honestly not hard to piss me off, I’m an expert at hiding it and either walking out or exploding if it’s serious. But let’s not talk about it.
I’m in my early thirties, by now I know how to carry myself and read people. It’s not rocket science. I am weird. I don’t pretend but I also don’t go around batshit either. I’m up before sunrise and go to the gym or run. I only drink iced coffee. I have a Bachelors degree and nothing but shitty jobs to show for it. Let’s not talk about the stories I self-published, my past, or family. And especially not anything that goes on in my head…
First off, my name is pronounced how it’s spelled. It’s not difficult. If you fuck it up numerous times, I have a few choice words for you. And I wonder, did you make it through high school? Nevermind, they’ll let the dumbest idiots graduate not like it makes a difference.
I have no experience in this field at all. I applied to dozens of jobs and I probably won’t remember I applied here. I’m looking for something that pays more. Why? It’s always about money. Although, you know that’s not why I left my last job. That’s complicated. Let’s just say I had enough. And no normal workplace is like that. My current job is not. But obviously, I’m bored and don’t like what I’m doing that’s why I’m looking.
I know you really don’t care who I am or what I do on my free time. You’re just trying to creep and look for clues why I would or wouldn’t be good for the job. Yes, I have boxing gloves in my car, a one year old, and husband. What does that have to do with my abilities? Nothing. It appears I already know English better than your employees. Sooooo…
Tell me about yourself.
I’m a grownass woman. I’m married and have a one year old. I come from a history of shit jobs and have a college education. Oh, and I published some books you’ll never read on Amazon.
Why do you want to work for this company?
I don’t. I applied because you pay more per hour.
How much experience do you have in this field?
What you mean pushing buttons? Haha. It’s so easy my one year could do it.
Can you stand for a long period of time?
Have you even read my resume?
What makes you the ideal candidate for this job?
I don’t give a fuck.
Can you tell me more about your last job?
The owner didn’t want to pay me. The supervisor was trying to sleep with me. He knows I slept with a former supervisor and thought maybe I would. Haha. No.
Where do you see yourself within this company in 5 years?
I don’t. I don’t even want to work for you and have all these responsibilities dumped upon me.
Can you tell me about a time you went above and beyond?
For what? To get laid or paid? Lmao. Never. Nobody ever paid attention or gave two shits what I did.
Are you a team player?
Define what you mean. Are we playing a sport? Maybe. Are you trying to dump everyone’s shit on me? Fuck off.
How soon of a notice do you need if we were to hire you?
Soon enough so I can piss people off.
“Why do you want to work for us?”
The money tree still isn’t growing.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
Old people harassing me. Okay… It was really a temporary job which meant ‘dump you whenever, bitch’.
“What did you learn in college that will help you with this job?”
When I’m pissed off, I’ll write about it and post it on the internet. Don’t worry, I won’t provide your name until I get published.
“Can you do a background check and drug test?”
I can but it’s a waste of time. You should ask me to do a pregnancy or STD test.
“What other qualifications do you have for this position?”
None. I was hoping you were dumb enough to hire me.
“What are your salary requirements?”
“When are you available to start?”
After I take a piss.
I’m thinking or have nothing to say. Be thankful.
I’m part vampire.
My ancestors from 1000+ years ago.
My mother is blonde.
I’m a fucking Scorpio.
Tell me about yourself? What are your hobbies, interests, and abilities?
Is drinking a lot of coffee a sport? If It is, I’m almost a professional coffee drinker.
Interests. I need to bomb everything with color — or make myself go almost deaf with awful pop music.
Abilities. Did I mention I’m really good at swearing? I could almost be a fucking professional in running my fucking mouth.Why the fuck can’t I do that with my fucking life? Fuck me. I’m fucking fucked.
Are you able to lift 50+ pounds?
If you’re talking about heads and people, I can do that — in my mind. I’m not superman.
Tell me about your past work experience?
When I was twenty-one I sent nude pictures to Playboy.
Have you ever convicted a crime/felony?
Relationships causalities? Oh yeah. I was a little whore.
Why do you want to work for us?
I need money. I don’t feel like taking my clothes off in front of a camera, though it is an option…