I could say hello but I’m not interested in small talk
seeing your number makes me want to vomit
seeing your face makes me want to bash it in a million pieces
I could explain why I stopped talking to you out of the blue
but I refuse to be interrogated for something I didn’t do
I could rant on and on about the things you said and did
that no other man, a stable respectful man would do
you want to say it’s part of your culture or religion
if that were true, you give your people a bad name
You don’t listen or take a clue
I told you numerous times
you and I would never work out
I don’t like high heels
I don’t want your hands around my neck
I don’t appreciate the comments about
you having a threesome with my younger sister and I
I would never convert to Islam
or make an effort to learn your language
you forced high heels on my feet like I was
Cinderella and you were Prince Charming
you choked me and slapped my face
you showed me a knife and made a joke
about taking my life
I saw less and less of you
you began to stalk my younger sister and
her friends on Facebook
I told you that was the last straw
I told you I didn’t like you as much as you liked me
you proceeded to ask me out
I walked away without answering your requests to see you again
or answering your question, “Do you have someone else?”
I responded, “None of your business.”
Texts you, “Are you asleep?”
You respond three hours later, “No, I was working on a project.”
It’s summer time.
They still believe you.
Next morning they ask you, “Why were you up at 3am?”
You respond, “I was working on a project.”
They believe you.
You’re at dinner on your cell phone texting,
They ask who are texting you.
You respond, “No one.”
They ask who no one is.
You respond, “My mother.”
They believe you.
If you’re single…
1. Take revealing photos and post them online. You are likely to attract a man that wants to bang you. It’s a start — right?
2. Go to the bar. Get drunk. If you are drunk, you are more likely to talk to people. If you talk to people — you are likely to get laid.
3. If talking to people doesn’t work, send out text messages. If you’re drunk, it won’t bother you if they quickly shoot you down. Plus, you won’t remember any of it in the morning!
4. Be straightforward. Tell a guy or girl that you think they’re hot and want to meet up sometime for coffee. You may look odd but at least you were open and honest, right?
If you’re in a relationship…
1. Send drunk text messages to your ex. Your partner may or may not see it. If they see it, tell them it was a old friend from high school.
2. Tell your partner you want to fuck them, everyday. They need to know you want to bang them all the time — so they will never fantasize about it on their free time. Why dream about steak when its on your counter already, eh?
3. Ignore them. All the time. You don’t want them to know what you’re really doing, thinking and feeling. What if they knew you watched Spongebob all day? What if they knew you thought Miley Cyrus’ new song was catchy and fun. What if they knew you were so angry — that you tossed your cell phone across the room?
4. Don’t answer any questions. Instead of answering a question, ask a question.
Question: Why didn’t you go to the soccer game last night?
Answer: Why didn’t you mow the lawn today?