Romantic lines in bed

Replace ‘romantic’ with ‘married’.

 

Him

Wanna get pregnant?

You like that?

You’re tighter, who are you sleeping with?

Open your legs.

Did ___ (an ex) do that?

Hurry up.

I’m about too…

I’ve gas.

I’m tired.

 

Her

Hahahaha I’m drunk.

Bite me.

Shut up.

Stop talking.

“Beat them up,”

she said. Like me going to jail is worth it. I wouldn’t just lose the job I already hate. Forget any future government job or any decent job period with that on your record.

I’m sure I could. There’s no doubt in my mind I couldn’t. I mean, I did through out a girls arm only a few weeks after having a baby. If you don’t know what I’m capable of, why mess with me? You’re an idiot.

Let’s bring you back to my childhood. I wasn’t raised to be violent but to defend myself. So some boys took my shit or tackled on me to attempt to kiss me, I punched them in the face. Not the best way to handle but how do you expect a 4-5 year old to react? You want them to react that way and run when a creep tries to get them in their van!

There’s nothing special about me. I grew up in the projects, my parents spilt when I was 11, I lived in the country, I have a lot of siblings, my mother died of cancer when I was 27, I have a baby, etc.

People think there is because I’m quiet? Hey, I come here and do my business then leave. I don’t come to this place to make friends. Why would I? I hate my fucking job. So does majority of the population.

Atypical

white rich man
dresses in suits
drives some expensive
sport car that sucks
in the snow
has Trump stickers,
hats, signs, etc
all over his office
to vote for him
because you don’t
like or trust the other candidate
is one thing but to actually
full on support and like him
is another… in my opinion

I’m forced to go in
each morning
and collect his trash
I can tell he never
brings anything,
always orders
I did too, when I worked
at a mall with disgusting food
who am I to judge
no one

Exactly my point
you’re old enough
to be my father
I don’t want any
stupid flowers or
awkward conversations
and interactions with you
cut the chase
no, I’m not going there
with you
I’d sleep with the man
moving all shit around
before you
and he doesn’t even
have a car

Odd questions at work

Do you have a razor blade?
Yes, I totally come to work and shave my business! Not.

How tall are you?
How tall does it look? I’m not short or tall. I’m boring average.

Do you have any tissues?
Nope. Let me not check my bag or car. Still no. If you’re sick, should you really be at work with what’s going on?

Where can I find windex?
Have you tried the store or Walmart? I’m not packing that either.

You’re pretty, did you take my money?
I don’t sell shit, so no. If you’re applying you’ll pay me $1,000+ for a stupid chair maybe I should reconsider.

How long have you been married?
3 years next month. Means nothing. We’d been together 8+ years. Why? You’re not my type. As if I really have a type, I don’t… very minimum he can’t be slow.

What is your relationship with the owner?
I have none. A few interactions here and there.

Have you ever pissed him off?
Not yet, or that I know of. I’m not trying to get fired or my hours cut!

Being an asshole for 5 minutes

Most of you move extremely slow because you’re old, have a big ass, or are overweight. 

I absolutely love dodging slow people, you should have told me that’s in my job description. 

I guess you’re all slow minded too, many can’t get it I don’t want to talk to them. 

I have no idea who that one lady is, she thinks I’m also her servant. She’s dumb as hell. 

I’m in the dress code I don’t know why the hell you all care so much what I wear. Because I’m attractive and you’re not. I’m the most attractive female here, you see it and try to make me wear pants way too big for me as an attempt to bring me down a notch. Well it doesn’t work. 

‘Tell me about yourself’

First off, my name is pronounced how it’s spelled. It’s not difficult. If you fuck it up numerous times, I have a few choice words for you. And I wonder, did you make it through high school? Nevermind, they’ll let the dumbest idiots graduate not like it makes a difference.

I have no experience in this field at all. I applied to dozens of jobs and I probably won’t remember I applied here. I’m looking for something that pays more. Why? It’s always about money. Although, you know that’s not why I left my last job. That’s complicated. Let’s just say I had enough. And no normal workplace is like that. My current job is not. But obviously, I’m bored and don’t like what I’m doing that’s why I’m looking.

I know you really don’t care who I am or what I do on my free time. You’re just trying to creep and look for clues why I would or wouldn’t be good for the job. Yes, I have boxing gloves in my car, a one year old, and husband. What does that have to do with my abilities? Nothing. It appears I already know English better than your employees. Sooooo…

What’s his name

he’s tall
he’s jacked
he’s the only one
around here I had a
few conversations with
he knows my name
I don’t know his

maybe it’s
for the best
I know myself
too well
one thing will lead
to another
and that’s that
I have the tendency
not to get attached
but they do
I’m at my point in life
I don’t need that
it doesn’t mean
a thing

Odd fellow

What did you have for lunch? Pumpkin donuts. Yeah, real healthy I’m aware. I’m too lazy and careless to bother with anything else.

Are you on Facebook? I have one but I don’t use it. I’m only tagged in videos and pictures of my daughter. Who seriously asks that these days? Are you gonna friend request me? Haha.

How long have you been married? It’d be three years in October… Why?

How long have you been together? It’d be nine years in October. Why? Is it because I look young? We met in our early 20s, we’re 30. No we didn’t stay together the entire time, we went through on and offs and ups and downs.

What’s his name? What is this the third degree? Are you the police going to investigate him? Or just nosey?

What does he do for a living? He’s an accountant. More like a puppet that hits buttons on a computer all day. Exact opposite of anything and everything I do.

Has he met the owner? No. Why the hell?

Quarantine lessons

You hate it, you’ll miss it when it’s gone
Cannot stand doing nothing? You’ll miss it more when you have to get off your ass.

My husband can’t cut hair
… if only I got on video what he did. He’s never touching my hair!

Fuck it, grow it out
Your hair… my dream of having hair almost down to my ass came true!

Your gym options are
Go to the park, attempt to do a million push-ups and sit-ups, buy some expensive equipment and shove it in a corner of your room.

Might as well cut your nails off
And let them heal before ruining them again in 6 months.

Government is OK
When they give you extra money and unemployment but when they… basically anything else.

You might have had coronavirus
No, that was an allergic reaction to prescriptions in 2020 after a common cold and getting a tooth pulled.

Don’t say coronavirus in public
Unless you want to join the others getting eye rolls.

You’re better off shopping online
Didn’t have to deal with people or wear a mask. Why go to a store unless you really need too?

What things mean before & after you marry

“Pay attention to me”

Before
I want to cuddle/have sex.

After
You’re not listening. Shut up. Why don’t you give me a massage anymore? Let’s cuddle. Nevermind, I’m bored let’s have sex and fall asleep.

 

“I’m fine”

Before
I’m not telling you what’s wrong. I guess you’ll see.

After
You should know what the issue is. I’m quiet because I’m pissed. Anything to say or do after this point may or may not be held against you.

 

“I’m not happy in our relationship”

Before
I’m not convinced you’re the one for me and need reasons to stay.

After
You’re walking on thin ice, be careful.

 

“You have pretty eyes”

Before
I really think you do…

After
I want something.

 

“How much money do you have in your account?”

Before
I’d never ask you that.

After
I want you to make my car payment.

 

“How much did you spend on that?”

Before
It looks cheap/expensive.

After
You better not have spent too much. If you do, why aren’t you pitching more in for bills and stuff?

 

“I love you”

Before
Nothing, genuinely do.

After
I only say it when I want something.

 

“I’m sick of doing all the work”

Before
Probably actually referring to work.

After
Referring to work, relationship, house, and/or bed.