Him vs I with COVID

Disclaimer: Not meant to be ‘sexist’ but spoken how it was.

Him
Gets every symptom in the book.

Me
A minor cough and stuffy nose.

Him
Spends all day and night in bed.

Me
Takes care of the the baby 24/7.

Him
Starts vomiting and gets himself admitted to a hospital for dehydration.

Me
Continues to take care of the baby 24/7.

Him
Comes home and continues to sleep whenever he wants.

Me
Still hasn’t slept a full night since the day before Thanksgiving when my father was struck and killed by a car.

Him
Has a serious attitude problem probably from being under ‘house arrest’ and takes it out on me.

Me
Continues to take care of the baby. Has a headache. Still can’t sleep. Now I understand why some people get divorced after quarantine.

…Must be nice to get sleep whenever the hell you want and make your wife do everything because you can’t handle it (even before and you wonder why your daughter never cries for you). If I was that sick I’d still have to take care of her. Sorry but so many of you are dense and take people for granted. Or you’re fucking clueless with your health or actions and infect everyone around you. So, yeah I’m seriously considering never going back to a physical job if I have a choice.

Memories of my father

when I was a baby
he was never around
he was in the Coast Guard
when I was little I sat
on his big stomach and
ate popcorn
I went grocery shopping
with him every weekend
he took my mother’s paycheck
sometimes he took me
to the casino
when I was 9 I had a fit
at church because I didn’t
want to be there he hit me
on the side of my leg
my parents split
when I was eleven
I wasn’t aware of it
I thought when my mother
said we were moving,
he was coming
I was wrong

Did he try to see us?
yes, he got into a fight
with her boyfriend and that
was the last time he came
there to try

So then
he sent me birthday
and Christmas cards
every year
since then
sometimes he called
I hardly answered
I saw him only on some
holidays at church
as I got older
when my mother passed
he was at my sister’s house
on Thanksgiving and Christmas
to see us

He showed up at
the hospital when I had
my daughter though a few
months earlier I cussed him
out for making a comment
about me being big
— I was pregnant

Was he there when I was
growing up?
Yeah, here and there
when I was a kid
though half the time
he was gone gambling
when I was a teenager, no
I mean good luck for
anyone trying to get to me then

The last time I spoke to
him was the day after my birthday
he was excited to see
my daughter on Thanksgiving
which was cancelled by coronavirus
and cancelled farthermore
by the asshole that
ran him over and killed him
the night before

Sooo, all that gaps
in my life of him not being there
he made some kind of effort
though I hardly saw him
or knew anything about him
he took some interest what
was going on in my life
it’s unclear to me
if someone or something
prevented him from seeing us
besides his dislike of my
mother’s ‘boyfriend’
but you can’t blame him
he’s also told me to
talk to my father
some answers I’ll never get
what the hell happened?

So, now
I’m a parent and
realize time is a gift
if this was my last
moment on Earth
that’s who I’d want
to be with

Cars kill people too

They don’t take away cars
just saying

I’m not going to sit here
and pretend I was close to
my father that ship has sailed
20 years ago
but he didn’t deserve it
nobody deserves to be
hit and killed by car
when they’re crossing
the street
it happens no one
even thinks about it
myself included

People take things
for granted like my father
took my mother
he was a serious gambler
did he pay his dues?
I don’t know
I know he called me
multiple times over the years
even when I was
teenager and refused to answer
only to ask me how I was
and tell me he loved me
I didn’t really reciprocate
why? well
try explaining
to your 11 year old
gambling was more important
than anything in else
in your life
he never even mentioned it

I don’t know why
I can’t help but think
maybe he knew my little sister
wasn’t actually his daughter
another ground for their spilt?
neither one of them was
monogamous and they both
carry that secret in their grave

My older siblings will dismiss
everything I say when he was
nothing but their angry step-father
there’s hard DNA evidence she is not his
hell, explain why my other sister
and I are Jewish and she is not?
Because she has a different father
my father was at least 50%

This situation
has me back at square one
where was he in my life?
gambling
how I wished he was a father
but he wasn’t
I had to deal with the narcissist
pretending to be
he ditched our family after my
mother’s death in a text
the day after I gave birth to my daughter
my father actually showed up
I don’t know how
but he did
he held her
he’s asked me questions about her
he’s even sent me cards every year
on my birthday every year after
they split
the last time I talked to him
was the day after my birthday
he was excited to see Ava
thanksgiving
that was cancelled by coronavirus
thank you
fuck you government
and officially
cancelled thanksgiving eve
forever
because someone can’t
pay attention when they’re driving

31 rants

I’m in my 30s, I have been since I turned 30 last November and now I’m 31. That means I’m not a fucking kid.

1. I have a fucking kid, if we plan a time for anything I expect you to stick to it.

2. You also have a fucking kid, why don’t you know in advance when you are or are not available?

3. You’ve a lot more money than I do, you can afford daycare or a nanny — not everyone can, get your head out of your ass.

4. I absolutely cannot stand people that have no concept of time.

5. Therefore, don’t waste my fucking time.

6. If there’s anything at all I learned in life is time, it’s more valuable than money.

7. I wasn’t there the time my mother passed, I could have spent more time with her but I didn’t. My job as a mall bitch was more important.

8. Yeah right, I never valued the mall as important. That’s why I did half the things I did there.

9. No I don’t want to be working at boring ass furniture store forever.

10. I’m looking for a new job for a reason that’s not everyone’s business.

11. Keep checking my Instagram stories, I don’t mention anything at all about you.

12. I’m a private person so again, no I’m not going to mention much about my life on social media.

13. Is that a job requirement? I don’t give a shit you’re not hiring me anyway.

14. Excuse me? You want me to leave my full time job for an interview?

15. Unless you want me to leave that job to work for you, it’s not happening.

16. You will work around my schedule as I have to dick around with yours.

17. Yeah, no my child comes first.

18. Part time? I’m an adult. Maybe a college student could survive on that.

19. Don’t talk to me like that. I’m not fucking stupid.

20. I’m fully aware of who is checking my instastories. So my advice is, if you’re stalking me be less obvious.

21. Not like it matters. I’m most likely leaving you in a month.

22. I also can’t stand slow people.

23. People that take forever to respond… take forever to get out of the way… take forever driving… or my order…

24. I’d love to knock the shit out of you but that’s illegal.

25. I love playing police at work because they’re too lazy to check cameras. Not.

26. And here I am doing everything again and they wonder why I’m ‘mad’.

27. Don’t complain about having to wear a mask to the store when you don’t work and have to wear it 40hrs a week.

28. Don’t complain about being broke if you haven’t worked a day in your life.

29. Don’t complain about having to wait for a ride if you won’t even bother getting your license.

30. Don’t complain about the president of you didn’t vote.

31. Most people don’t give a shit so you’re better off minding your business and plotting schemes to get ahead.

‘Tell me about yourself’

First off, my name is pronounced how it’s spelled. It’s not difficult. If you fuck it up numerous times, I have a few choice words for you. And I wonder, did you make it through high school? Nevermind, they’ll let the dumbest idiots graduate not like it makes a difference.

I have no experience in this field at all. I applied to dozens of jobs and I probably won’t remember I applied here. I’m looking for something that pays more. Why? It’s always about money. Although, you know that’s not why I left my last job. That’s complicated. Let’s just say I had enough. And no normal workplace is like that. My current job is not. But obviously, I’m bored and don’t like what I’m doing that’s why I’m looking.

I know you really don’t care who I am or what I do on my free time. You’re just trying to creep and look for clues why I would or wouldn’t be good for the job. Yes, I have boxing gloves in my car, a one year old, and husband. What does that have to do with my abilities? Nothing. It appears I already know English better than your employees. Sooooo…

When gyms were closed

I realized they need you a lot more than you need them. Why? You’re their source of income.

I ran, I rollerbladed, hell I’ve even done pushups, situps, core, and kickboxing all on my own. Sometimes I followed a recorded playback but still, I was perfectly capable of instructing myself. And I did, alongside millions of others.

‘But live classes, live classes’ Yeah, that’s perfect for people that LIVE ALONE, don’t have neighbors, a house full of people on different schedules, or a crying get into everything BABY in the background. People will accept that as a new norm but I never will. Because it’s not normal. To tell you the truth, I feel odd about having anyone watch me through the other end on camera in my home. That’s why I shot down a ‘internet model’ job. I value my privacy. If I take a video in my room or house myself, a different story.

So what is? Following the beat to your drum. If that’s you, go for it. You do you, I do me. It’s not personal, it’s called not everyone needs someone to guide them. It’s not everyone has the luxury of doing things whenever the hell they want. It’s highly unrealistic like the virtual world.

Honest cover letter

Dear whoever reads this,

I have no experience in any of the positions I’m applying for. Why on Earth would you pick me? I’m a good worker better than the vast majority that goes by doing the minimum, gossips, or sits on their ass all day.

‘But you have nothing but a writing and cleaning background.’ Yeah, so I got out of college and never found a writing or editing job in this area. ‘What about online?’ Believe me I looked and continue to do so. Do you know how many of them ask you for money to even see employment opportunities? Many. You don’t even find anything that’s not freelance. If I want to write freelance, I have a blog.

‘So why should I pick you among everyone else that has experience and better character than you?’ So don’t pick me, I don’t give a fuck. If I have to sell myself or change who I am, I’m not interested. And actually, I make as much; if not more chasing around bust bunnies all day.

Sincerely,
Don’t waste my time

FAQ Bitch I’m 30

How old is your baby?
Currently 6 months old.

Are you having another one?
I didn’t plan the first one. There’s no way I’m even thinking about having another one!

How much do you sleep?
I go to bed after 9pm, I’m up around 1am to feed her, and up again around 4am. You do the math. Sometimes I sleep an hour before I go to work if I’m lucky.

How’s your husband?
A fucking asshole as usual. He got fired for running his mouth. I’m not supporting his ass!

How are you?
What version do you want? A filtered answer or the truth? I’m fine. Nobody really cares how you are, it’s a greeting nobody also cares to answer.

I’m not going to tell you I don’t see the point in shit anymore. I have a headache and I’m probably planning something.

Whats your deal with cowboys, why do you keep mentioning them?
I mentioned them for a few days? Probably because something I was thinking of writing. When I think of the ‘bad boys’ of my past I think of the country men I dated. They liked to drink and not really settle down. A few I had an open relationship, friends with benefits or causal sex deal with. It was nothing but fun.

Oh, I thought you had a crush on one?
Meh. No. For a second I was attracted to someone that reminds me of one. Then I went home and had sex with husband and thought nothing of him.

There’s a difference between crush and attraction. Crush, you think about them a lot. Attraction is when you see them and you’re like, they’re hot. Then you go home and have sex with your partner and think nothing of them.

Why are you married?
He’s an asshole but he’s my asshole. He’s been on this roller coaster with me for 8 years now — 6 dating, 2 married. He can be sweet and thoughtful when he wants — like me.

So you’re cheating on your husband?
No. I’m too busy fucking my husband when I’m not busy with other shit.

Are you high?
I wish. Shit it’s been a while since I’ve been high. Maybe that’s my issue. Haha.

How do you do it?
Do what? The answer is always caffeine.

How old are you?
I’m 30. Still 30 for the next 9 months.

What are you working on?
Another story that may or may not sell. But hey, I keep things interesting and moving unlike most of the population. I’m probably not giving it to Amazon, that’s my mistake. They take most of the little profit you make. You need to go through a real publisher and also sell your shit there.

What is your genre?
I need to stick to a genre? I do whatever the hell I want.

Why aren’t you on Facebook?
If you’ve been following me a while or know me in real life, you know I fucking hate Facebook. It reminds me of family reunions I never go too!

Why isn’t your husband on your accounts/you never mention him?
That’s not true, I do from time to time but nobody listens! Haha. He doesn’t have an Instagram (thank god that’d drive everyone nuts) and I don’t need nor want to put my personal relationship shit online. The only time that shit is cute is when you’re in your early 20s and start dating — yeah, we used to be that couple.

And yes, I’m aware he’s on Facebook. It’s me that has an issue with it. He actually uses it to connect with old friends and family, I don’t. So, he has his own space and I have mine. I’m secure enough in my relationship and skin I don’t even care what he does online. I don’t check any of his shit. He doesn’t check mine.

30 Scorpio secrets

Because I’m turning 30…

 
1. Your boyfriend flirted with me.
2. Your boyfriend kissed me — he’s a bad kisser, don’t worry I don’t want to sleep with him!
3. Slept with someone’s boyfriend, not intentionally of course.
4. When in Rome…
5. If I have to think about my feelings for you, they’re non-existent.
6. Hooked up with an ex(s) once, twice, or thousand times because the sex was good.
7. Don’t have any/many friends.
8. Like to be alone, value solitude, and don’t need people to be happy.
9. If I’m in a relationship with you and don’t want to have sex with you; you can be sure you’re either turning me off or I’m sleeping with someone else.
10. Depending on who you are, I probably won’t give you an honest answer how many people I slept with.
11. I do pick and choose.
12. I don’t find people fascinating.
13. Ideas are more interesting.
14. If you want to seduce me, don’t bother. I either want you or I don’t.
15. Should I think about an ex? It’s only because they were good in bed and I’m bored with you.
16. I go to the gym for my sanity, not because I’m trying to lose weight or reach some goal.
17. I don’t believe in one soulmate, we have many.
18. These days I spend more time fantasizing about doing crazy shit to my hair.
19. I was a terrible student.
20. Yeah, teachers and peers didn’t get me. I lived in my own world and didn’t care.
21. I developed thick skin early in life.
22. Sometimes I could be angry and not know why.
23. I assume most people don’t like me and I’m okay with that, I don’t like most people.
24. I can be secretive but trust me, I’m brutally honest too.
25. I’m probably hiding some past things from my partner.
26. I probably hide my money too.
27. There is but one person I truly trust in this world, myself.
28. Should I check someone out? Hardly ever. They’d have to have nice arms or eyes to get my attention.
29. I don’t believe in marriage.
30. Now I understand. The only person I’ll truly love in this world is my daughter.

Honest truth

I don’t know why
I’m writing this
people are taking
fascination with my life
they know nothing about
I’m not what I seem
what is really going on
I can’t talk about publicly
like I’ve said my moves
are being watched by the man
I don’t need anymore
judgements against me
I’m not a criminal
I’m being scrutinized
like I am

I’m not a bad person
though my concept on life
and relationships are probably
1000% different than yours
there’s one thing in my life
I will have to deal with forever
the death of my mother
June 2017
I don’t talk nor write much
about among other things
behind the scenes