Memories of my dad?

He would take me to the store
to go grocery shopping and out
for ice cream every week
with my mother’s paycheck
he didn’t work
he used to be a cook
in the coast guard
he retired

Of course,
I didn’t know that
when I was super young
I sat on his big belly
and ate popcorn
the neighbors
thought he was ‘mexican’
or part ‘black’
because he had tan skin

I know he’s not
I tan well too and
took a DNA test
I’m 100% European
a fancy way to say
‘Caucasian’

I remember the times
he forced us to go to
church and slapped me
once on my side
because I was having
a tantrum
later he apologized
he didn’t know how to
punish kids
that’s why I was
running around
and getting in trouble
while he was at the casino
drinking and gambling away
all my mother’s money

Then they split when I was 11
my mother moved us in
with a narcissistic asshole
that said he ‘thought of
himself as our father’
my father tried to visit
us once and he got into
a fight with my mother
that was the end of that
he called us only
on or around holidays
sometimes our mother
had us go to church on
holidays to see him
that’s it

But he continued to call
and still does to this day
I hardly ever answer
I’m 30
he’s a stranger to me
but he’s showed up when
my daughter was born
the man that thought
of himself as my father
didn’t, he fell out
the moment my mother died
to another woman’s arms
and sent us a ‘goodbye’
text a few days after
Ava was born

And he wondered why
I never said ‘happy fathers day’
being there to be there
doesn’t make you
neither does sperm apparently
but thank you,
I hardly ever sunburn

My only hope now
is my daughter
has a father
even though I can’t
promise we’ll be
together forever

My 10 1/2 month old baby

Update.

Ava started walking last week. All those days trying to get her walking with her walker paid off.

She speaks. Not a shocker. Her first word was, “Boom” at 9 months old. Her second word was, “Mommy.” Now she’s saying her name, “Ava.” And “I got” and “Yeah”.

She’s definitely not slow — like her mother. She doesn’t walk or talk on demand either!

She doesn’t quite understand what she’s saying. I mean she’s not a year old — yet. I am reading to her more, telling her what objects are and their color.

She doesn’t go a night without waking up and expecting a bottle. But she sleeps in her crib and NOT with us. She has been for a while. (My sisters baby is almost 2 and just started sleeping in her own room… too afraid her baby would have a fit. They will. They won’t learn if you constantly have to savior them?)

She isn’t a picky eater… I mean she likes chewing on everything right now? She only has 3 teeth at the bottom of her mouth. But her favorite thing is the sweets (like her mother) and her fathers hot dogs.

AND she currently loves Elsa, Olaf, and Pikachu.

Yeah, I know (OF) him

I heard his name
I never spoke his name
I saw his face yet never thought anything of it
Couple years go by, I hear it again
He’s a former drug dealer and addict
that is friends with the former class clown
They never made it out of this town

I friended people
and dated guys that are not from
this place
they were from another country
or town miles away

I ask myself why…

The person for me isn’t a junkie
pervert, liar, scrub, or psychopath
that believes I’d date him because
I said, “Hi.”

The person for me is someone that
does something and doesn’t constantly
accuse me of doing something I am not doing
especially on social media which the people
from my town like to do

I ask myself why people here are like that
I remind myself it’s because they have
nothing better to do
I ask myself if I belong here
I say no
I never have and never will
I’ve been disconnected with this place
my entire life

I was a child

Four years old

A boy kissed me on the bus

I ran home to my mother crying

‘I am pregnant’

because kissing meant sex.

 

I met my first best friend

I met my first boyfriend

 

 

Five years old

 

I was sitting in a bath tub

with my best friend

she opened her legs up

in front of me and started

playing with herself

 

She got up from the tub and stood over the toilet

like a boy

and pissed all over the place

 

I was disgusted and confused

did my ‘privates’ look like hers?

Was she really a boy? She ‘went’ like one.

Why can’t I do it?

 

Why can’t I be a boy?

 

One night…

 

I stayed at her house

her stepfather came in her room

at the middle of the night

and molested her

I’m not sure what exactly happened

I was laying on the floor confused

in a dreamlike state

It was pitch black, all I could hear was crying

 

I wasn’t sure if he got me too or if I was dreaming

he rubbed something on my crotch

and told me not to tell anyone

I ran out of her house to mine

and that was that

(I blurted it the next day to my mother)

(he eventually got caught by the mother — and arrested)

 

What you learn from your Birthday

1. Who your ‘friends’ are.

You been friends with this person for a couple years now. They don’t wish you, Happy Birthday. Instead, they text you details about their life.

 

2. You’re still really immature.

Same person you were a year ago, five years ago, ten years ago, twenty years ago… you never change, just get older. It fucking sucks!

 

3. Another year has passed.

Still not close to your goal/dreams. It’s a ‘slow’ process you must keep going through. It fucking sucks!

 

4. You have ‘friends’ you’re not aware of.

Those people from high school/college you hardly, if ever talked to wishes you, Happy Birthday on Facebook.

 

5. Who really cares vs. Who is phony.

Some people you have dinner/celebrate with… other people send you a text, call you, or send you cheap gifts — so they don’t feel guilty about missing your birthday or play the ‘I did something so you have too’ card.