The past

doesn’t define us
but helps us better
understand the present
and future
so, people
said or did a lot
of shit they shouldn’t
have been doing
(who hasn’t?)
they shouldn’t be hung
for it but at the same
time, they need to be
accountable and should
have taken into
consideration
hey, this might bite
me in the ass someday
and make me lose things
I’ve worked hard for

that’s why your mother
told you to
“think before you speak”

“I’m…”
“But I was…”
“I wasn’t…”
the world is done
with your excuses
look at everything
going on in the world
nobody gives a fuck
about ‘oh, poor you’
especially when you’re
an adult and have all
this money
while a lot of us
are actually struggling

It’s time to wake up
nobody cares to listen
to your narcissistic bullshit
so go back to flaunting
what you have
crying online
and posting pictures
see how many people
click ‘mute‘
(you won’t know)
or unfollow your ass

Of course,

I meant it
I don’t throw those
three words
around
who cares if I was
drunk and stoned
off my ass
when I said it back
if anything
I’m more honest
when I’m not sober

I’m 30
I’ve said a total
of three times
in my life
out of the
I don’t know
how many

When I was teenager
and thought I was in love
When I dated my husband
and when I fooled around
with someone I shouldn’t
have been fooling around with

Trust me
I’ve tried to analyze
that situation
I got nothing
but you take away
all the objects
distractions
stressors
yeah, it’s really easy
to fall in love
with someone
or fancy more then
one person at once
haha

Don’t quote me
that’s the past
now it’s almost like
it didn’t happen
after having a baby
being stuck in
quarantine
the only thing I’ve
is, it’s time
to get a new job

There’s nothing left there
I’m sick of dealing
with a snake and refuse
to now deal with his girlfriend
I can only act like
I don’t want to beat the shit
out of someone for so long
until I say enough

“I still love you”

he said
my feelings for you
haven’t changed
I’m getting
brain surgery in 90 days
I’m here
I always been here
you got me
I want you
all of you
I know you’re pregnant
I’m happy for you
I’ll be here
I want you
I always wanted you
I love you

“My focus is on the future
right now”
I say
he continues to tell me
how he loves me

I let him blow up my phone
I don’t tell him the obvious

I’m probably not going to
see you again
if I do it’d be in the
distant future
and I’m still married
I have my first kid
on the way
I don’t think nearly
as much about you
I don’t have
the emotions you have
anymore
I’m thinking what
I’m going to do
and I’m too
nauseous and tired
to do anything with anyone
especially you
maybe, I have changed
and you’re the same

Why I don’t want to get married or have kids.

Philosophy: You’re in a prison sentence once you decide to get married. You made a lifetime commitment. Once you have kids, you’re no longer in prison. Your life is completely over.

 

Marriage

For me to get married, I need to find someone that fits me. I mean, really fits me. I can’t be with someone if I know I’m not going to be happy or annoyed 24/7. That’s not a healthy relationship.

At the point I am at in my life right now I can’t think about marriage. I haven’t exactly came to my full, to accept another person’s full. I can love all I want, I just can’t make that big of a commitment.

 

Children

Kids generally annoy me. It’s not that I hate them or am a bad person, it’s just I have no patience. Yelling and crying sets me off. I can’t imagine having to take care of one.

If I were to get pregnant right now, I would get an abortion. It sounds bad but hey, I have to be honest with myself. I am no position to have a kid right now nor do I want one. I don’t think bringing a child in my chaos, unhappiness, instability, and confusion is best for the child either. I would be automatically setting the child up for a difficult life. Maybe a child ten years from now, who knows — and if I even want one. I don’t know.