‘Sexual harassment’ at work

Mandatory meeting, they said.
Why, nobody is getting harassed?
That I know or care to know of.
I know someone called the owner a narcissist and you only do well if
you’re a “yes man”.

I can somewhat see how that’s true
counting the few comments in the passing
or just this weird vibe he gives off
he asked me to be in a commercial
with him, why? I’m not being a
narcissistic but we all know
I’m the most attractive female here
because I’m ‘young’
so why not try to make yourself
look good? I declined
I don’t give a fuck about
‘gaining popularity’
last thing I want is people
coming here and thinking I sell shit
I don’t
it’s bad enough everyone refuses
to ‘do their part’ and disinfectant
the store, nope I was called upon
to do it along with everything else

I’m off subject
only comment someone has made to me
is “damn” and looked at my ass
he’s ‘special needs’ and has
no idea when he’s being inappropriate
is that an excuse, no?

I almost gaged at the part
‘don’t have sexual relationships at work, have them outside if you’re both consenting it’s not harassment’
why? Gee, perhaps I had sexual
relationships with men at a job
not here, the men are all boring
or too old
one of the few times I take pride
nobody has a clue about
my past or who I am
thank god

31 drunk thoughts

1. Halloween is on 31 and I’m going to be 31 in a week. Fuck.
2. I’m feeling weird like the first time I was pregnant. No, I don’t have coronavirus bitch.
3. What is this?
4. I had a drink where did it go?
5. Maybe I shouldn’t be drinking if I think I’m pregnant. I don’t seriously think I am. Do I?
6. I’d love to smash some pumpkins.
7. Monday I’m not going in.
8. Bitches would take me back part time.
That’s funny, you know I left?
9. Ironic, because he was trying to sleep with me too.
10. I haven’t ever heard back from them so I don’t know why they’re stalking my feed.
11. Thinking about hiring me? No. Do I look like I was born yesterday.
12. Hmmm maybe I should no.
13. There’s something in my nose.
14. I’m going to be out in about 20 mins.
15. Yeah, I’m waking up with a headache.
16. What is that noise?
17. It’s the sound of me dying again.
18. Maybe I should.
19. No.
20. No.
21. Fuck it. Why the fuck do I care? I don’t.
22. Yes.
23. No.
24. I’m bored.
25. I need to forget everything.
26. This is the wrong stuff.
27. The fuck, sometimes I get so mad and wonder why I stopped smoking weed.
28. Maybe that’s my problem.
29. Who cares.
30. I don’t because I’ve no idea when I’m going to be drug tested.
31. Whose creeping now?

Honest interview

Tell me about yourself.
I’m a grownass woman. I’m married and have a one year old. I come from a history of shit jobs and have a college education. Oh, and I published some books you’ll never read on Amazon.

Why do you want to work for this company?
I don’t. I applied because you pay more per hour.

How much experience do you have in this field?
What you mean pushing buttons? Haha. It’s so easy my one year could do it.

Can you stand for a long period of time?
Have you even read my resume?

What makes you the ideal candidate for this job?
I don’t give a fuck.

Can you tell me more about your last job?
The owner didn’t want to pay me. The supervisor was trying to sleep with me. He knows I slept with a former supervisor and thought maybe I would. Haha. No.

Where do you see yourself within this company in 5 years?
I don’t. I don’t even want to work for you and have all these responsibilities dumped upon me.

Can you tell me about a time you went above and beyond?
For what? To get laid or paid? Lmao. Never. Nobody ever paid attention or gave two shits what I did.

Are you a team player?
Define what you mean. Are we playing a sport? Maybe. Are you trying to dump everyone’s shit on me? Fuck off.

How soon of a notice do you need if we were to hire you?
Soon enough so I can piss people off.

Honest cover letter

Dear whoever reads this,

I have no experience in any of the positions I’m applying for. Why on Earth would you pick me? I’m a good worker better than the vast majority that goes by doing the minimum, gossips, or sits on their ass all day.

‘But you have nothing but a writing and cleaning background.’ Yeah, so I got out of college and never found a writing or editing job in this area. ‘What about online?’ Believe me I looked and continue to do so. Do you know how many of them ask you for money to even see employment opportunities? Many. You don’t even find anything that’s not freelance. If I want to write freelance, I have a blog.

‘So why should I pick you among everyone else that has experience and better character than you?’ So don’t pick me, I don’t give a fuck. If I have to sell myself or change who I am, I’m not interested. And actually, I make as much; if not more chasing around bust bunnies all day.

Sincerely,
Don’t waste my time

New rule at work: List everything you do

-Clean the entire place in less then an hour.
-Watch crazy coworker clean shit that’s already clean.
-Dodge maintenance ‘supervisor’ because he’s a snake and I don’t like him.
-Write a novel when I’m supposed to be ‘working’.
-Walk around numerous times so I look busy after all my shits been done hours ago.
-Check email and Instagram.
-Listen to podcasts, get bored and listen to trashy music instead.
-Do trash talking trash with my sister.
-Be annoyed by my husband.
-Ponder other things.
-Drink a lot of caffeine.
-Constantly creating my own schedule though I’m not supposed too.
-Constantly stopping myself from reacting/acting upon what I’m really thinking/feeling about someone.

Ads recommended

Get certified to be a personal trainer today!
I don’t like dealing with people, how would that job be ideal for me? Only all my income and work hours depend on people. It’s also expensive to get certified…

Try new natural condoms today!
You’re right I should use condoms but wait, are you bugging my phone and watching me have sex!?

Get birth control pills to travel with you!
You’re right I probably be on birth control but again, how do you know my business!?

Can’t do epic shit with basic people mug.
OMG, true perfect for my caffeine addiction!

2 for $24 leggings!
Really? That’s the best you could find by cracking in my search engine? So I always look for cheap leggings, I’m sick of this high waisted bullshit!

Fitness influencers wanted
That’s because the obvious, I’m a ‘brand ambassador’ for some fitness clothing line in the UK. Spoiler alert, it pays nothing. It’s nothing but free advertisement for them. So if I tried one, I’d do another? Nope. Piss off.

Jewelry ambassadors wanted
I bought a necklace for my daughter she won’t wear until she’s older online a while ago. I guess the tracking chip told them I love jewelry — I don’t.

Want to be a personal trainer? Get your free career kit today!
There’s a lot for that? Haha. You’ll do literally anything to get people’s money!

Thoughts working out

I’m too tired for this shit
I need more monsters and coffee to get me to wake the fuck up

Who am I going to kill later?
Fuck M*** I’d like to fuck him, not really. He’s fucking gross. I’d rather fuck B*** he’s more attractive.

Leaves me with the fucking kid later
Fuck him

Why does my shirt keep flying up?
Why does tying my shirt do nothing?
I picked the wrong shirt again.

I fucking hate high waisted leggings
why am I wearing them?
I’m too lazy to go through my closet

I’m going to feel this later.
Okay, now I’m getting tired.

I need a nap.
Fuck him. I’ll probably fuck him later.

My hair is in my face
— AGAIN

I’m bored with my hair
maybe I’ll make it a reddish blonde
and regret it

30 lessons in 30 years

1. 99% of the things I do is a waste of time.
2. You won’t make any money doing something you love or you’re good at, people that do are far and between.
3. My ability to give a fuck decreases with age.
4. Almost everyone will pronounce your name wrong even if it is simple, even if you correct them a million times — let them look stupid.
5. If you’re going to spend money on makeup, get something that makes a difference.
6. College was a waste of time and money.
7. I don’t care what people say, there is no cure for cancer. Cancer is a death sentence.
8. Differences in time zones.
9. You probably shouldn’t blow a stop sign in the neighborhood, there may be a cop around the corner.
10. If you know what you’re doing at any dance, kickboxing, or fitness class older women comment on how you should be an instructor.
11. I hate people and I still hate people. That’s why I have a job behind the scenes yet they still bother me.
12. Never wear blue lip gloss.
13. Temporary blue hair color is permanent. It doesn’t matter if it says it’ll washout in 5 days, it won’t! It’ll stay green for weeks…
14. Don’t spend money on nice sunglasses or boots, they’ll get destroyed.
15. Any idiot can bake, expect your husband. It’s called read instructions.
16. DNA is subjective.
17. You don’t know shit about being pregnant or having a newborn until you do.
18. Having a baby hasn’t changed the fact I still think and feel the same way about people and don’t want them around her.
19. The myth, ‘your hair will shed’ months after giving birth is true.
20. The bigger the tattoo, the more it itches.
21. Relationships and people are a dime a dozen.
22. Check reviews before you do anything from buying something to watching a movie.
23. The only thing you’ll ever truly be OCD about in life is laundry and coffee.
24. If you’re desperate for extra money, don’t work cleaning at a gym part time unless you’re confident you won’t get some weird disease.
25. Avoid anything that fells like a sweatshop.
26. Walk away from jobs and people you know isn’t working.
27. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been dancing since 4 or 20, a good dancer can learn anything.
28. Try to avoid construction zones.
29. Mother died with secrets.
30. You don’t know what love or sacrifice truly is until it slaps you in the face.

12 signs of dating past

Aries
He was fascinated by me being a virgin and thought I was serious about dancing in the rain naked with him. Turns out I’m nothing more than a “tease” — he hates that.

Taurus
Pick one. You want the one confused with his sexuality, worships his mother, or the one that will kiss you and not sleep with you because he has a girlfriend.

Gemini
You want someone that’ll stalk you and not make any sense? There you go. Or the one that’ll give you an open relationship… ideal if that’s what you want.

Cancer
I haven’t dated a single Cancer. Why? Because he’s either my old boss that checked every young girl out or the dude that lives miles away and has a pregnant fiancé.

Leo
I think they have nice arms? Well most of them anyway because I usually spot them at the gym. I know this guy, he’s some sponsored athlete. We never dated but I kicked his other Leo friend’s ass. We never dated either — I’m like another guy to them.

Virgo
What about them? I think I’ve meant more Virgo women than men. But my brother is a Virgo and he enjoys being single. Maybe that’s why.

Libra
Behold, all my favorite musicians are but they’re female. I’m not into girls. My sister’s ex was a Libra and he was ‘shallow and boring as hell’ according to her.

Scorpio
I’m a Scorpio. I never dated a Scorpio. Hell, I don’t know any Scorpios that dated a Scorpio. Like we have some secret agreement not to fuck with each other figuratively and literally.

Sagittarius
The lovely ‘Agent of Douche’ I called him. Maybe because I’m ‘too immature’ or maybe because he was never happy. I also spilled his beer and almost destroyed his dirt bike. I still wasn’t ‘housewife material’ enough for him.

Capricorn
The only man that was dumb enough to actually marry me. He believes in marriage and I don’t. Should come with a warning that all he’s going to do is complain about money and will try to get you pregnant.

Aquarius
He said he wanted a friends with benefits relationship… a week later told me he was in love with me and wanted to runaway with me. Not what he agreed upon. Said he has no emotions but constantly discusses how he feels…

Pisces
Asked me to runaway and marry him when I was 18. My mother wasn’t found of him because he was a lot older than me… and lived on the other side of the world. ‘He must be delusional’.

How to lose a man quickly

Tell him you have a boyfriend or you’re married
While that may or may not be true, he’ll feel like he lost and give up.

Tell him you’re gay or bisexual
He’ll expect it’s not him you want.

Go workout, get soaked in sweat and forget to shower afterwards
Having to smell your natural odors will definitely turn him off.

Get drunk and text him something stupid
He’ll question your intelligence.

Have sex with the person he hates
How could you? It’s worse than cheating though you’re not in a relationship.

Display interest in someone else
Competition? Nah.

Be obnoxious and rude as hell
When in doubt be the worst possible version of yourself. If that doesn’t work, he obviously is a robot or alien.