Footage of an ‘Aquarius moon’ experiencing emotions

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I don’t feel anything. I’m emotionally numb and retarded. The only emotions I know are lust, desire, passion, and anger. I only feel lust, desire, and passion in bed. After I do it there’s nothing there. I’m empty. Someone pisses me off, I turn in 2 seconds to a raging asshole. Do I yell? Not unless I’m married to you. Strangers, acquittances, and co-workers I can forget about just as fast as they pissed me off. But if, I don’t I have some history, relationship, or interest in you — it’s different. I stay mad longer. Sometimes I don’t realize I’m mad until I’m alone in my head. Do anything about it? I try. But sometimes, the physical and creative work I do isn’t enough. So I get drunk and high a bit. It does nothing but get me out of myself. Do I have a problem? No. I don’t think drinking a few times a month or smoking weed once a blue moon means you have a problem. It’s a problem when you use them as a crutch. I don’t. I wish I could but that’s not me. I have a daughter now. I would never put her or myself in that position. I don’t even do those things when she’s around. I don’t judge people but they judge me. I don’t care enough about people in general to care what they’re doing.

‘Hippie girl’ issues

She’s supposed to be in a ‘committed’ relationship but she wanders. She flirts with other people. She won’t necessarily sleep with them unless they get stuck in her brain. Should she have the opportunity? She probably would. Men love her. Women that know her business are either jealous or call her a whore behind her back. She doesn’t care. She doesn’t really believe in restrictions or negativity. If you want to do something, do it. You’re an adult. Why the fuck do people care what you do? They’re not doing anything. They’re not as careless and free as you. It’s not to say, she’s completely heartless and can’t love. She does. She’s passionate as hell. She has a hard time letting go, she lets things run it’s course. The problem is; sometimes she loves, likes, or desires more than one person at a time. That’d create conflict with the more ‘conventional’ people. She’s not an Aquarius sun, she’s a Scorpio sun with Aquarius moon and rising in the first house. She has more of a heart of an Aquarius than an Aquarius sun does.

“I still love you”

he said
my feelings for you
haven’t changed
I’m getting
brain surgery in 90 days
I’m here
I always been here
you got me
I want you
all of you
I know you’re pregnant
I’m happy for you
I’ll be here
I want you
I always wanted you
I love you

“My focus is on the future
right now”
I say
he continues to tell me
how he loves me

I let him blow up my phone
I don’t tell him the obvious

I’m probably not going to
see you again
if I do it’d be in the
distant future
and I’m still married
I have my first kid
on the way
I don’t think nearly
as much about you
I don’t have
the emotions you have
anymore
I’m thinking what
I’m going to do
and I’m too
nauseous and tired
to do anything with anyone
especially you
maybe, I have changed
and you’re the same

I used to be angry

before him
I didn’t know why
repressed emotions
from her death
and some other things
I kept well hidden

I said I’m not angry
anymore
he said bullshit
there’s a reason why
I’m ‘beating the crap
out of everything’
maybe he was right
the only expression
on my face was anger

Now it is blank
cold stone
I might as well be a robot
I think but I don’t feel
I loved again
it was gone
against my will
and wrong

I’m back to nothingness
like I was when
my mother passed
they exist
only in my dreams now

Thoughts about October

It’s not as hot out
the leaves are changing colors
It’s beautiful
even when it rains
love all the Halloween stuff
it is my Christmas
I hate it when stores skip
the entire fall season
and head into Christmas shit
I won’t step foot in those stores
it reminds me of the
‘Nightmare before Christmas’

It like costumes
cool shit
horror
paranormal movies
haunted
anicent
anything
insane makeup
glitter
magic
candy
I have since I was a kid
in addition too
pumpkin carving
corn mazes
hay rides
apple cinder
Halloween Oreos
jumping in leaves
trick or treating

It was also the month
I meant my future husband
and the month I got married in
our first few dates were in the park
watching the leaves change

Perhaps someday, if I have a kid
I will do all those things
my mother did with me
and teach him/her
our ancestors invented Halloween

Three words

“I love you”
he said
I didn’t question it
though I had a million
reasons why I should

I knew
his lips
his body
I liked upon mine
how I felt with him
was different
I was myself

I didn’t have to fake
I didn’t have legal ties
I didn’t have reasons to lie
we were us

I listened to him
he listened to me
we had two completely different
lives and situations
but none of that matter

We were naked