June 4, 2017

The day my mother passed after fighting non-Hodgkins lymphoma for about two years. She was in remission but it came back. The car accident she was in the winter didn’t help, it made her weaker. I’m not here to give the full story, I probably did already. Im here to talk about how much has changed since.

Imagine if she was diagnosed with it during a pandemic, her chances to survive could have been less. Who cares. That’s all I’m saying about that.

I was going to get married. My mother knew in her heart she wouldn’t live longer than 3 months to be there. She didn’t even discuss it with me. I had a feeling she wouldn’t. I regretted showing her my dress and not putting it on for her. She was buried in the dress she was going to wear to my wedding. I had to live with that forever on top of some drama I called her about when she was in the hospital.

There I was again, refusing to commit and trying to have fun when hell was around me. I was about to get marry and I was having sex with some strange man I hardly know in the woods. It was supposed to distract me from sleeping with my ‘guy friend’ but it didn’t. Was I having fun? No. I was trying to distract myself from the truth. My mother is dying. I’m afraid to get married. Boo who.

Then it happened. Instead of me getting better, I got worse. I locked away all my emotions. I got married though I wasn’t feeling like it. Things got sour and I stumbled upon someone new. Not just new, he was going to be my future supervisor. I didn’t know it. I denied any attraction I had towards him until one day. We made out in an empty lot. It was intense and different from anything I’ve felt in a long time. We began hooking up. We accidentally said those three words.

He left. I realized he was right that I never dealt with my mother’s death. I stopped fucking around. I became a mother… now I understand.

‘Text an ex in isolation’

The dumbest headline I’ve seen all week.

If you’re single, okay. You have nothing to lose but your pride, ego, and mind. If you’re in a relationship, you’re playing with fire. Especially if your partner doesn’t know, it’s ‘emotionally cheating’ and leads to more drama than it’s worth. If you and your ex are able to be strictly friends, congratulations. That’s often not the case.

Been there, done that back in the day. Ultimately lead to me sleeping with them. Conflict? No, not really. More like okay, I’m completely over you and it wasn’t that good. What was I thinking? Hey, if that’s what you need to do to move on, go ahead. But if you’re trying to fill a void, it’s going to get you nowhere. Temporary fix for a problem. I know ‘isolation’ is boring and traumatic for some. What is talking to your ex going to do? Bring back things that should have stayed in the past.

I’m not saying you can’t fix it and get back together, and stay together. I’ve been there too. You know how many times my husband broke up and got back together? Too many. Because every time we broke up it lasted 24-72 hours. Eventually you need to grow the fuck and stop the bullshit. Yes, I’m quoting my mother and will probably say this to my daughter someday.

Not myself

you’ll never hear me
say, “I’m super depressed”
unless I actually am
I said to him
but “Why?”
because I am

One of those days
I don’t see the point
in anything
’we all live and die’
I’m defeated over this job
over writing
why bother?
always want what
I can’t have

I’d rather be
alone or far away from
everyone and everything

Troubling emotions = Love?

Annoyance.

Why did you say that? Why did you do that? You know I don’t like it. Are you purposely fucking with? Why? What did I do? What the fuck is wrong with you?

 

I hate you.

If I was allowed to use my bad animal instincts without guilt and a prison sentence — I would kill you. That what an animal does when it gets angry.

 

I want you.

Ah you’re just being you — that’s okay. I remember all the good times we had together.

 

I need you.

I’m so lonely — I cry myself to sleep at night. Where are you? I miss you.

 

I love you.

I want you, and only you. I need you, and only you. You make me happy despite the rest of the bullshit.

 

Now… you can go die.

I can’t stand having emotions. It drives me insane. I suppose we can make this work…