Sincerely, the critics

That’s not straight enough.
You missed a spot.
That’s a little dusty.
It smells over there.

Why don’t you get off your ass and do something? Oh, because you’re lazy and expect me too like I don’t literally take card of everything already.
You don’t have enough experience.

 
That’s cute but what does your written work qualify you for an actual job?
What does your experience mean? You can polish my shoes or sleep with all the men? Haha.
You’re pretty but well that’s it.

I’m overqualified to be managed by anyone. You need me a lot more than I need you. What I have nobody else does is, drive and energy. If you can’t see that, you can kiss my ass.

Honest cover letter

Dear whoever reads this,

I have no experience in any of the positions I’m applying for. Why on Earth would you pick me? I’m a good worker better than the vast majority that goes by doing the minimum, gossips, or sits on their ass all day.

‘But you have nothing but a writing and cleaning background.’ Yeah, so I got out of college and never found a writing or editing job in this area. ‘What about online?’ Believe me I looked and continue to do so. Do you know how many of them ask you for money to even see employment opportunities? Many. You don’t even find anything that’s not freelance. If I want to write freelance, I have a blog.

‘So why should I pick you among everyone else that has experience and better character than you?’ So don’t pick me, I don’t give a fuck. If I have to sell myself or change who I am, I’m not interested. And actually, I make as much; if not more chasing around bust bunnies all day.

Sincerely,
Don’t waste my time

Things I’m not buying in 2020

More makeup I don’t need
I bought 3 palettes in 2019 and only use a few shades out of 2 of them! It cost me $150 I could have spent on something else!

Music from iTunes
Even if I’m bored in my car, I always have Sirius or the ability to play something off YouTube. At the gym I listen to music on YouTube or watch videos. I have no need to download music anymore…

Another winter coat
I’ve had the same one for a few years now. I don’t see the point in getting something I don’t really want or need for the season I hate the most.

A calendar
My husband got one from work for free…

L’Oréal Paris colorista
‘Semi-permanent’ and ‘will washout in a few washes’ my ass. I did it in the beginning of October and here it is almost December… I still have some green shit in my hair (it was blue for 2 days).

A watch
I don’t think I ever bought a watch? My mother did for me — in the 90s! I have a cell phone that tells me the time. Last thing I need is more jewelry sitting in a jewelry box not being worn…

Brands that were more relevant in high school

Hollister
If you didn’t wear at least a shirt from there, you might as well sit in a corner. You’d even be an outcast to the outcasts.

Today: You see the store around in malls and a few middle schoolers wearing it. I wonder if the reputation ‘hollister is for skinny people’ had anything to do with it?

 

Hot topic
All the cool outcasts shopped there, just not you.

Today: Of course they still exist but where? They’re not in every mall. Should you see one? You may go in for body jewelry or a cool T-shirt, maybe — but you can get that shit cheaper elsewhere!

 

Old Navy
The only socially acceptable place (besides Gap) to buy your clothes if you can’t afford Hollister. Why? It’s still from the mall. An “old navy” shirt means you didn’t get it from Walmart or Kmart.

Today: You probably still shop there for a few things? Why? Because there not ridiculously priced and have sales.

 

Gap
The brand preppy kids with money wore. Did you care if you wore it, nope. Their clothes weren’t that cute.

Today: A grandma probably shops there.

 

Aeropostale
If you didn’t shop there at least once, you weren’t a teenager. Hell an outcast of the outcasts again.

Today: They still exist? Where? I haven’t seen them in a mall over a decade.

 

American Eagle
People loved to get their jeans from until they found out their teacher did too.

Today: They still exist? They’re also leaving malls.

 

Victoria’s Secret pink
It didn’t really start to become a thing until I left high school in 2008. It was mainly a thing for college kids.

Today: 40 year old women and 13 year olds are wearing it! Seems like, the last couple years not so much!

 

Forever 21
Some popular snobs people wanted to be like shopped there.

Today: You realize those popular snobs didn’t have money, they could get those clothes on sale there. Hell, you’ve shopped there more after high school — until they started making most of their shirts crop tops! You’re not ‘forever 21’ anymore, you’re 30!

 

Today
The only brand name stuff I own is from Victoria’s Secret/Pink,(because their clothes are worth the money and cute) some Under Armour and Adidas. I only spend money on crap I’m going to wear, keep awhile, and doesn’t break the bank. The fuck I care where it’s from? I don’t. It’s eventually going to end up in the trash or donated. I’m also a pretty basic Target mom…

“King Arthur”

they called you
you were extremely tall
Irish and slammed down
beer faster than the rest
of your frat friends

I called you
“Teddy Bear”
I was intoxicated
it was my first night
partying at the age of 21
you were a bit older
and left this scene behind
before I even started it
but you took me out

Did I kiss you?
Did I sleep with you?
I don’t remember.
The fall passed.
Christmas came.

You took me as a date
to an old frat friend’s party
I wore a tight black dress
I thought I heard someone
call me a slutty hillbilly
I looked behind me
and saw this chubby bitch
starring a hoke through me

I grabbed him
and danced with him
we got drunk
left the place to hook up
she watched us
angrily

Valentine’s Day came.
I stayed with him in a hotel.
I had my period so we did it
in the shower.

I haven’t seen him since
He broke up with me on
St. Patrick’s day
after his friend messaged me
asking what happened to him
he apparently got intoxicated
and admitted to a hospital
we were long distance
I didn’t have a clue

I cried at work
and got fired
he ended up marrying
the ‘chubby bitch’ and had kids
I moved on, one thing after another
I eventually got married
hated it and had a kid

He’d probably say
congratulations
that’s not what I wanted in life
but I’m sorry, I’m not a
hillbilly whore
I lived my life
I go “Back to December”
never

30 lessons in 30 years

1. 99% of the things I do is a waste of time.
2. You won’t make any money doing something you love or you’re good at, people that do are far and between.
3. My ability to give a fuck decreases with age.
4. Almost everyone will pronounce your name wrong even if it is simple, even if you correct them a million times — let them look stupid.
5. If you’re going to spend money on makeup, get something that makes a difference.
6. College was a waste of time and money.
7. I don’t care what people say, there is no cure for cancer. Cancer is a death sentence.
8. Differences in time zones.
9. You probably shouldn’t blow a stop sign in the neighborhood, there may be a cop around the corner.
10. If you know what you’re doing at any dance, kickboxing, or fitness class older women comment on how you should be an instructor.
11. I hate people and I still hate people. That’s why I have a job behind the scenes yet they still bother me.
12. Never wear blue lip gloss.
13. Temporary blue hair color is permanent. It doesn’t matter if it says it’ll washout in 5 days, it won’t! It’ll stay green for weeks…
14. Don’t spend money on nice sunglasses or boots, they’ll get destroyed.
15. Any idiot can bake, expect your husband. It’s called read instructions.
16. DNA is subjective.
17. You don’t know shit about being pregnant or having a newborn until you do.
18. Having a baby hasn’t changed the fact I still think and feel the same way about people and don’t want them around her.
19. The myth, ‘your hair will shed’ months after giving birth is true.
20. The bigger the tattoo, the more it itches.
21. Relationships and people are a dime a dozen.
22. Check reviews before you do anything from buying something to watching a movie.
23. The only thing you’ll ever truly be OCD about in life is laundry and coffee.
24. If you’re desperate for extra money, don’t work cleaning at a gym part time unless you’re confident you won’t get some weird disease.
25. Avoid anything that fells like a sweatshop.
26. Walk away from jobs and people you know isn’t working.
27. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been dancing since 4 or 20, a good dancer can learn anything.
28. Try to avoid construction zones.
29. Mother died with secrets.
30. You don’t know what love or sacrifice truly is until it slaps you in the face.

30 Scorpio secrets

Because I’m turning 30…

 
1. Your boyfriend flirted with me.
2. Your boyfriend kissed me — he’s a bad kisser, don’t worry I don’t want to sleep with him!
3. Slept with someone’s boyfriend, not intentionally of course.
4. When in Rome…
5. If I have to think about my feelings for you, they’re non-existent.
6. Hooked up with an ex(s) once, twice, or thousand times because the sex was good.
7. Don’t have any/many friends.
8. Like to be alone, value solitude, and don’t need people to be happy.
9. If I’m in a relationship with you and don’t want to have sex with you; you can be sure you’re either turning me off or I’m sleeping with someone else.
10. Depending on who you are, I probably won’t give you an honest answer how many people I slept with.
11. I do pick and choose.
12. I don’t find people fascinating.
13. Ideas are more interesting.
14. If you want to seduce me, don’t bother. I either want you or I don’t.
15. Should I think about an ex? It’s only because they were good in bed and I’m bored with you.
16. I go to the gym for my sanity, not because I’m trying to lose weight or reach some goal.
17. I don’t believe in one soulmate, we have many.
18. These days I spend more time fantasizing about doing crazy shit to my hair.
19. I was a terrible student.
20. Yeah, teachers and peers didn’t get me. I lived in my own world and didn’t care.
21. I developed thick skin early in life.
22. Sometimes I could be angry and not know why.
23. I assume most people don’t like me and I’m okay with that, I don’t like most people.
24. I can be secretive but trust me, I’m brutally honest too.
25. I’m probably hiding some past things from my partner.
26. I probably hide my money too.
27. There is but one person I truly trust in this world, myself.
28. Should I check someone out? Hardly ever. They’d have to have nice arms or eyes to get my attention.
29. I don’t believe in marriage.
30. Now I understand. The only person I’ll truly love in this world is my daughter.

of course

he’s on my mind
even if it’s been a year
since we spoke
and he ran from
everything

don’t tell him that
it’ll stroke his ego
he’s not the best
he’s the most
fucked up person
I’ve met
he looked good naked
and kept my head spinning

we were nothing more
then ‘friends with benefits’
employee-boss
but he stared in my eyes
I didn’t like and said
he loved me

I wondered why
but didn’t ask
I claimed I never said it back
might have slept out
that night in the back of my SUV
only he knows

12 signs of dating past

Aries
He was fascinated by me being a virgin and thought I was serious about dancing in the rain naked with him. Turns out I’m nothing more than a “tease” — he hates that.

Taurus
Pick one. You want the one confused with his sexuality, worships his mother, or the one that will kiss you and not sleep with you because he has a girlfriend.

Gemini
You want someone that’ll stalk you and not make any sense? There you go. Or the one that’ll give you an open relationship… ideal if that’s what you want.

Cancer
I haven’t dated a single Cancer. Why? Because he’s either my old boss that checked every young girl out or the dude that lives miles away and has a pregnant fiancé.

Leo
I think they have nice arms? Well most of them anyway because I usually spot them at the gym. I know this guy, he’s some sponsored athlete. We never dated but I kicked his other Leo friend’s ass. We never dated either — I’m like another guy to them.

Virgo
What about them? I think I’ve meant more Virgo women than men. But my brother is a Virgo and he enjoys being single. Maybe that’s why.

Libra
Behold, all my favorite musicians are but they’re female. I’m not into girls. My sister’s ex was a Libra and he was ‘shallow and boring as hell’ according to her.

Scorpio
I’m a Scorpio. I never dated a Scorpio. Hell, I don’t know any Scorpios that dated a Scorpio. Like we have some secret agreement not to fuck with each other figuratively and literally.

Sagittarius
The lovely ‘Agent of Douche’ I called him. Maybe because I’m ‘too immature’ or maybe because he was never happy. I also spilled his beer and almost destroyed his dirt bike. I still wasn’t ‘housewife material’ enough for him.

Capricorn
The only man that was dumb enough to actually marry me. He believes in marriage and I don’t. Should come with a warning that all he’s going to do is complain about money and will try to get you pregnant.

Aquarius
He said he wanted a friends with benefits relationship… a week later told me he was in love with me and wanted to runaway with me. Not what he agreed upon. Said he has no emotions but constantly discusses how he feels…

Pisces
Asked me to runaway and marry him when I was 18. My mother wasn’t found of him because he was a lot older than me… and lived on the other side of the world. ‘He must be delusional’.

What I learned having a baby

I don’t want to do again. Hell, I didn’t even plan this.

I stand people less
Mainly in-law relatives I already wanted nothing to do with, now it’s worse. Then people at the grocery store that don’t want to leave us the fuck alone when we’re trying to get out of there!

Maybe I get my ego from my mother
I’m independent so much to the point I don’t ask for help nor want it. Why? Because the second I hand her to someone, say my husbands parents — they ask me a million questions or hands her back the second she fusses. I’m the only one that can handle her so I might as well. I don’t have parents at this point in my life. I don’t need you to parent me or my child!

Maybe I’m also controlling and over protective
Controlling in the stance — she has a certain time she goes to bed and a time period when she needs to eat or she’ll lose her shit. Over protective in the stance, again — I’m not convinced anyone, even her father can take care of her. I woke up one morning with him losing his shit SHOVING food down her throat! Since I’ve been doing pretty much all feedings…

The love and pride my mother had for her kids before she died
She mainly did it all, despite whatever life threw at her. The men in her life were insignificant. She’d give all her money and life for her kids to live.

Now I see, I don’t love him. I live with him and care for her sake. I may have gotten married too quick. I wasn’t ready to get married 3 months after she passed. I panicked. I had no where to go. I had no other place to live. I went through with it anyway. Then I got pregnant a year later and kept it because I saw/heard the heartbeat. I wouldn’t die for him. I wouldn’t risk anything in my life for his sake. For her I would.