How to be a blogger

Create a WordPress account.

Wait, WHY the fuck are you on here if you don’t have an account in the first place?

 

Customize your website.

Make a squirrel or rainbow your background, who cares.

 

Create a post.

Make a poem or paragraph about how you hate/love your partner, life, job, family, friends, celebrities, society, the world, or getting drunk on the weekends. Include photos or videos by choice…

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Why I can’t be an Astrologer

I know nothing about the planets, science, or math.

 

My astrology forecast would look like this…

9PM: Sorry I couldn’t send this message sooner… There is full moon and stars shinning bright in the sky. I’m guessing the moon is in Taurus because the sun is in Taurus. It means, you are going to want to binge eat soon.

 

“He is an Aries, I am a Pisces. Should we date?”

My response: “I don’t care, date whoever you want. There is more to astrology then the sun sign.”

 

“I am a Pisces, he is a Libra.”

“You care what his sign is? So you’re more emotional and he is more detached. Good luck.”

 

How to read horoscopes…

 

Today you are going to win a lot of money.

What, you didn’t win money? That’s because Jupiter started acting stupid.

Names for Disney Movies

Peter Pan = Puck Man

If I pucker my lips, I become a “grown up.” I’ll try it, but I’m going back to Neverland…

 

Cinderella = C U Later

Hurry up. Dance with my prince. Run home. Maybe I’ll see him again, maybe I won’t. Wait, he’s got my shoe…

 

Aladdin = All In

I can’t be myself. I must go all out. Wear flashy clothes, and brush my hair — to look handsome and worth a lot of money. Pray to god no one gets caught in my web of lies.

 

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs = A Stupid White Chick and Seven Dorks

The house must be clean. I can’t focus if it isn’t — especially with the seven roommates of mine who think I’m hot. Why? It couldn’t be because you’re the only chick in the area.

 

Beauty and the Beast = Bitch and the Bastard

If I could, I would spend all my time reading and dreaming — or simply scaring people away with my appearance. But wait, there’s more to life then this — show me?

 

Sleeping Beauty = Stupid Bitch

I’m just sleeping, sleeping, sleeping, and sleeping — my life away. When will my prince come and wake me up? Never? Okay — I guess that’s fine…

 

Pocahontas = Poke Your Ass

Hey dudes and chicks — did you know there’s more to life then killing creatures and owning land you have no right too? Do I need to stick a stick up your ass to get the message? — oh I can’t it has to be PG.

 

Mulan = Moron

I need to disguise myself as a man to bring honor to my family — being a woman isn’t enough. If I look like — act like a boy, I’m more likely to be accepted.

 

(Hundreds/thousands of years ago. It wouldn’t work in 2014, people can sense bullshit miles away.)

The Truth

We all wear disguises. Everyone has a way to hide their true thoughts, feelings, desires, wants, and needs from the world/those that truly matter in their life. Maybe it’s because they don’t know what they are. Maybe it’s because they think it’s stupid.

 
I don’t know. I’d be the first one to admit, I have no clue what I’m doing whatsoever. I do know my own disguise enough though, to sense it on others.

 

Take the Robin William’s suicide — why was the world so shocked about this? He’s an actor and comedian — it is his job not to communicate to the world his sadness. It would possibly hurt his reputation or ego — then again we wouldn’t know, because we aren’t in his head.

 

What I do know is — I show the public what they want to see. If I’m miserable, I’m not going to tell you why I’m miserable — I don’t know you personally. If I see you in public — I most likely won’t speak to you. Like, what do you want me to say? If I just lost my job, if my boyfriend just broke up with me, if I just got drunk off my ass last weekend — I wouldn’t tell you either.

 

Now is that a disguise? I think not. It is the “I don’t know you Mask — why would I tell you?” and it’s possibly good for the both of us I don’t. Now running into cases with people you actually know and yourself — as an individual, it becomes an issue.

How to deal with that I don’t know. I take it day by day. I don’t understand life, that’s why I’m here.