June 4, 2017

The day my mother passed after fighting non-Hodgkins lymphoma for about two years. She was in remission but it came back. The car accident she was in the winter didn’t help, it made her weaker. I’m not here to give the full story, I probably did already. Im here to talk about how much has changed since.

Imagine if she was diagnosed with it during a pandemic, her chances to survive could have been less. Who cares. That’s all I’m saying about that.

I was going to get married. My mother knew in her heart she wouldn’t live longer than 3 months to be there. She didn’t even discuss it with me. I had a feeling she wouldn’t. I regretted showing her my dress and not putting it on for her. She was buried in the dress she was going to wear to my wedding. I had to live with that forever on top of some drama I called her about when she was in the hospital.

There I was again, refusing to commit and trying to have fun when hell was around me. I was about to get marry and I was having sex with some strange man I hardly know in the woods. It was supposed to distract me from sleeping with my ‘guy friend’ but it didn’t. Was I having fun? No. I was trying to distract myself from the truth. My mother is dying. I’m afraid to get married. Boo who.

Then it happened. Instead of me getting better, I got worse. I locked away all my emotions. I got married though I wasn’t feeling like it. Things got sour and I stumbled upon someone new. Not just new, he was going to be my future supervisor. I didn’t know it. I denied any attraction I had towards him until one day. We made out in an empty lot. It was intense and different from anything I’ve felt in a long time. We began hooking up. We accidentally said those three words.

He left. I realized he was right that I never dealt with my mother’s death. I stopped fucking around. I became a mother… now I understand.

‘Text an ex in isolation’

The dumbest headline I’ve seen all week.

If you’re single, okay. You have nothing to lose but your pride, ego, and mind. If you’re in a relationship, you’re playing with fire. Especially if your partner doesn’t know, it’s ‘emotionally cheating’ and leads to more drama than it’s worth. If you and your ex are able to be strictly friends, congratulations. That’s often not the case.

Been there, done that back in the day. Ultimately lead to me sleeping with them. Conflict? No, not really. More like okay, I’m completely over you and it wasn’t that good. What was I thinking? Hey, if that’s what you need to do to move on, go ahead. But if you’re trying to fill a void, it’s going to get you nowhere. Temporary fix for a problem. I know ‘isolation’ is boring and traumatic for some. What is talking to your ex going to do? Bring back things that should have stayed in the past.

I’m not saying you can’t fix it and get back together, and stay together. I’ve been there too. You know how many times my husband broke up and got back together? Too many. Because every time we broke up it lasted 24-72 hours. Eventually you need to grow the fuck and stop the bullshit. Yes, I’m quoting my mother and will probably say this to my daughter someday.

Footage of an ‘Aquarius moon’ experiencing emotions

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I don’t feel anything. I’m emotionally numb and retarded. The only emotions I know are lust, desire, passion, and anger. I only feel lust, desire, and passion in bed. After I do it there’s nothing there. I’m empty. Someone pisses me off, I turn in 2 seconds to a raging asshole. Do I yell? Not unless I’m married to you. Strangers, acquittances, and co-workers I can forget about just as fast as they pissed me off. But if, I don’t I have some history, relationship, or interest in you — it’s different. I stay mad longer. Sometimes I don’t realize I’m mad until I’m alone in my head. Do anything about it? I try. But sometimes, the physical and creative work I do isn’t enough. So I get drunk and high a bit. It does nothing but get me out of myself. Do I have a problem? No. I don’t think drinking a few times a month or smoking weed once a blue moon means you have a problem. It’s a problem when you use them as a crutch. I don’t. I wish I could but that’s not me. I have a daughter now. I would never put her or myself in that position. I don’t even do those things when she’s around. I don’t judge people but they judge me. I don’t care enough about people in general to care what they’re doing.

Not myself

you’ll never hear me
say, “I’m super depressed”
unless I actually am
I said to him
but “Why?”
because I am

One of those days
I don’t see the point
in anything
’we all live and die’
I’m defeated over this job
over writing
why bother?
always want what
I can’t have

I’d rather be
alone or far away from
everyone and everything

I used to be angry

before him
I didn’t know why
repressed emotions
from her death
and some other things
I kept well hidden

I said I’m not angry
anymore
he said bullshit
there’s a reason why
I’m ‘beating the crap
out of everything’
maybe he was right
the only expression
on my face was anger

Now it is blank
cold stone
I might as well be a robot
I think but I don’t feel
I loved again
it was gone
against my will
and wrong

I’m back to nothingness
like I was when
my mother passed
they exist
only in my dreams now

Three words

“I love you”
he said
I didn’t question it
though I had a million
reasons why I should

I knew
his lips
his body
I liked upon mine
how I felt with him
was different
I was myself

I didn’t have to fake
I didn’t have legal ties
I didn’t have reasons to lie
we were us

I listened to him
he listened to me
we had two completely different
lives and situations
but none of that matter

We were naked

Misconception about Men

“They don’t care.”
“They cheat on me.”
“They’re abusive.”

 

I sat here for once
staring at my screen
receiving nothing but messages
from men about their woman…

 

I think she’s cheating on me
she lies to me all the time
She had sex with another guy
she said he was better in bed
He probably has a bigger penis than I do
that’s why she wants him
She’s pregnant and I don’t
think I’m the father
We had a great time now she
ignores all my messages
She broke up with me for
no reason
She told me she cuts herself
but never told me why

 

I love her and would do anything for her
Me: Does she know that?
I told her, she’s my soulmate
I think about her all the time
I can’t get her out of my mind
why couldn’t she tell me?
Me: Perhaps…
I want your honest opinion
Me: Somethings not right in her head
and she’s seeing someone else

Guys, this is why we cheat.

Something is not right.

Get the vibe you are cheating.

 

You’re playing games.

Purposely withholding attention as a form of punishment for something that bothered them.

 

The sex sucks.

There is little to none. You seem uninterested, and couldn’t care a less about it.

 

The communicate sucks.

Don’t know what you think or feel. I can’t tell you my thoughts or feelings, you seem uninterested or quick to judge or pass it off as pointless.

 

Lack of attention.

Doesn’t acknowledge or appreciate the work I do. I could be the president of the United States, you would still sit around and say, “Okay.”

 

Boring.

We can’t really go anywhere or do anything because limited money. I want adventure and fun, and I can’t get it.

 

Too much conflict.

Arguments, and a million other things going on.

 

One-sided.

It feels like I am the only one putting forth the effort to sort out our problems. I am changing my method, ways, thoughts, and feelings about things —  I haven’t seen you do anything.

 

Testing the waters.

Think I found someone better, and we may actually have something in common. I don’t want to dump you because it may not work out with the other guy.