Married life is like

Man: I should get another girlfriend.
Woman: Do it. It will make divorce a lot easier.

She’s serious.

Man: Let’s do it.
Woman: Do what? That? I’m good. It’s not that great.

Man: It’s your fault it’s not great.
Woman: Yeah because I enjoy a big sweaty man on top of me crushing me.

Man: I’m tired. I’m going to bed early.
Woman: No you’re not. You’re going to play on your phone in the room for two hours. You don’t want to deal with the baby.

Man: I wished I stayed at work.
Woman: Me too.

Man: Don’t spend money, work with what you got.
Woman: …

She thinks yeah, right. I’ll go spend it and not tell you amongst other things.

Man: You’re paying child support.
Woman: Haha. You think the court would give you full custody? You’d have to find daycare and you can hardly handle her over an hour.

Man: You only want help from your family.
Woman: I don’t see my family, they live an hour away. And right, if I was divorced that’s where’d I go.

No offense. She doesn’t like your family but tolerated it. She never ‘seeked help’ from anyone she’s done it on her own — your family would be the last people she’d go too.

Old friend

“I love you.”
You’re nuts.

“It’s been a long time. I still listen to you.”
You’re bored with your life. If you’ve physically been here you’d want nothing to do with me.

“Let’s make a deal. You get divorced, we get married. We’d start a new life.”
If you can handle I’ll have other boyfriends and lovers. We’ll just be roommates.

“I’m fine with that. We both win. I get to be a US citizen and you get to be in LA. Away from all of it.”
Yeah unless you get attached and you probably will.

“We have to fake it for the immigration people. I don’t care what you do. I also want sex. Don’t give me STDs.”
With sex comes emotions, sometimes. That’s not really part of the deal.

“So you’d fall in love and give me kids. You’d stay faithful.”
We’d have pretty mixed babies.

“But you have to leave to my country first after you settle for divorce.”
Ha. By then it wouldn’t be worth it. You could just get a green card.

When you refuse birth control

Doctor
What form of birth control are you using?

 

You
None.

 

Doctor
You don’t use condoms, the pill, or patch?

 

You
(hesitates)
Condoms.

 

Doctor
You got a girlfriend, boyfriend?

 

You
(laugh)
No girlfriend, boyfriend.

 

Doctor
You never know these days.

 

You wonder why the hell the doctor assumed you were gay because you denied birth control. I mean, maybe you don’t have sex, physically can’t get pregnant, or prefer the withdrawal method? Whatever. It wouldn’t be the doctor’s business either way. You didn’t go to the doctors to discuss/get on birth control. But because it was a checkup and you’re a woman, you get asked about it. If you were a man, you wouldn’t.

Crazy Ex saga cont.

Text messages

 

Him
Hey

 

Him
Hey, how it’s going?

 

Him
Hi

 

Him
?

 

Him
Sandra

 

I ignore and delete all the messages, I’m 2-3 hours away with my boyfriend.

 

Him
How is your day going?

 

Him
Hey

 

Him
Hi, how are you?

 
Him
Hey

 
I ignore and delete all the messages. He has no idea that I left nor came back from my trip or so I think.
 

A piece of metal magically appears in the tire in the morning, someone did it over night. It had to be him, he was the one who pointed out a screw in the tire and marked it red in the summer time. Had I caught him or had evidence it was him, I’d go after him for that and other things. He can’t take no for an answer and if you ignore him, he tries to destroy you. The true image of an abuser and psychopath.

Really Awkward

Guy

Do you love me?

 

Girl

I don’t know what love is.

 

Guy

How much you love me?

 

Girl

I don’t know, how much do you love me?

 

Guy

A little.

 

Later…

 
 

Girl

It was really awkward.

 

Girl’s friend

Why?

 

Girl

I don’t love him.

 

Girl’s friend

Why didn’t you just tell him that?

 

Girl

Maybe I will next time I see him.

 

Girl’s friend

Why are you going to see someone you don’t love?

 

Girl

He’s good in bed.

 
 

Moral of the story: See someone you don’t love because they’re good in bed?

Questions you shouldn’t ask

INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY

GIRL (20s) and GUY (20s) sit on the couch in front of the television. Guy takes out his cell phone and strolls through his text messages. Girl looks at him furiously.

GIRL

Who are you texting?

GUY

My sister.

GIRL

Thought you said you don’t have a sister?

GUY

Right, it’s my mother.

GIRL

You said your mother is dead.

GUY

Fuck.

GIRL

YOU.

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK — DAY
Guy and Girl sit on the beach. Kids behind them LAUGH and SCREAM. They stare at each other.

GUY

What were you doing last night?

GIRL

I told you, I was working.

GUY

Then why were you posting Facebook status’ at 4am?

GIRL

I wasn’t! Check the time.

Guy moves closer to Girl. His face turns red, his eyes water.

GUY

Don’t need too, I know you were out with him. Why don’t you admit it!?

Girl backs away from Guy.

GIRL

With who? My brother.

GUY

Your ex. If not, why are you still talking to him?

GIRL

Why are you going through my text messages?

GUY

It couldn’t be because you cheated on me once.

GIRL

You’re dumb.

Girl gets up and walks away.

You’re Partially Deaf? I’m not.

Mother — it is a blessing you can’t hear everything, trust me. …And I should be the one almost deaf. I have my IPhone up full of blast over an hour straight when I workout…

You want to hear the things I do? No you don’t. I have to pretend I am deaf. Here’s why, I pick up things like…

 

“Stupid bitch. Why don’t you ever do anything right?”

“Nobody likes you.”

“He’s a faggot.”

“She is a lesbian.”

“She has a boyfriend and girlfriend. She doesn’t know what she wants.”

“Yeah, he was with his other girlfriend last night.”

“I’m going to go home and smoke some weed. I hate my life.”

“I just wanna get high.”

“I love you bitch.”

“Suck my dick.”

“Why don’t you ever do anything right?”

“Yeah, I was so drunk last night.”

“He looks gay. Have you seen him?”

“Nigger.”

“Dumbass.”

“Fag.”

“I don’t know. I was stoned. Leave me alone.”

“Fucking jackass.”

“Fatass. She’s going to eat more twinkies.”

“Her ass is the size of Mexico.”

“Don’t tell my girlfriend.”

“I love you. Please don’t tell her.”

“She is like that because she likes girls. She has a dick in her pants.”

“Have you seen her dick?”

“Okay fine whatever. Stupid bitch. Suck my dick later.”

“Suck pussy then if you don’t like me. I know you got a girlfriend, don’t kid me.”

“She’s fucking ugly and disgusting.”

“Her boyfriend probably has a fake cock. Who the hell knows.”