Not my mother


my mother was given away 

I wasn’t 

she wouldn’t do that

to her children 

she grew up in the city

I grew up in a small town

she was on her own

when she was 15 

I lived with her until I was 27

for reasons outside

 of her having cancer 

she get off on her own

because she had no choice 

I did

not so sure what happened 

in her life before me or when

I was little but she had six kids

myself included and always worked

I have what one? I didn’t get 

even have sex in

high school because of her

my daughter came almost 

two years after her death

I know before she diagnosed 

she was always angry

I can’t say I am but I’m quick

to get pissed but I don’t stay 

that way (you wonder why

I’ve a short fuse, there you go

it is genetic)

she’d be mad and complain

about her boyfriend for hours

 so I guess we knew the truth 

of men early on but not so much

anything about her past really

who tells their kids the men 

they fucked or cheated on?

I wouldn’t but my daughter,

not talking about it isn’t

going to help you not 

make the same mistakes

No mother I don’t see you

as a cheat, I heard the phone calls

even if you were decades ago

it wouldn’t matter 

don’t turn in your grave 

I wouldn’t but yes, some secrets

people will never know about me

I can say,

the final months to the last moment 

I saw my mother

she wasn’t as angry

it’s like she knew

none of it mattered 

she said she did her job

she raised six kids

and it was my turn?

like I’d have that many 

I wouldn’t but

she was peaceful and falling

asleep the last time I saw her

unlike my father I saw video footage 

of him getting struck and killed 

by a car 

so your final moment

will say a lot about how 

you lived your life 

Year of 2020

Publish a few things
no one reads
shutdown everything
for almost 6 months
laid off
make everyone wear
masks and ‘social distance’
start new job
be forced to sanitize
until my hands are dry
get a new car
hardly leaves the house
besides kickboxing and work
father gets struck and killed
by a car
get covid from in-law
watch my husband whine
and not take care of the kid
have a hard time getting
back to work
because they don’t understand
you can test positive up
to 3 months
meanwhile everyone else can
get back to a story no one
will probably read
look for a new job
them expecting I can do
a virtual interview with
a baby in the background

My year has been great
the painting of my mother’s
obituary picture holding
my daughter
I received on Christmas
was the cherry on top
as if I need to be
reminded of shit
this year has done it
I quit

You know what kills people too?
Cars and cancer
but no one is talking about it
this year
yes, people are dying
that is real
I had a mild case of covid
a little cough and stuffy nose
and I survived
if I was older, who knows

Alright

I see how it is
curiosity killed the cat
that’s okay I probably
wouldn’t have taken it
I’m probably going
somewhere else in 2021

You know
you don’t know someone
based on their cover
you’re lucky to have
parents alive
I don’t
guess what?
It’s a reality you’ll
have to face someday
I just faced it sooner

I’m not an alien
I’m ahead of all
of you

Pandemic?
Guess what?
I wear a mask
everywhere
wash my hands
sanitize
and I still got
COVID!
I only visit
stores twice a month
maybe
and never eat out!

Why?
Well someone was
sick and selfish
put him seeing my
daughter over
everyone’s welfare

Older people care?
Please, they’re just
as ignorant!

So I’m supposed
to sit here and watch
you idiots?
Nope

You can either
live in fear
or accept reality

Memories of my father

when I was a baby
he was never around
he was in the Coast Guard
when I was little I sat
on his big stomach and
ate popcorn
I went grocery shopping
with him every weekend
he took my mother’s paycheck
sometimes he took me
to the casino
when I was 9 I had a fit
at church because I didn’t
want to be there he hit me
on the side of my leg
my parents split
when I was eleven
I wasn’t aware of it
I thought when my mother
said we were moving,
he was coming
I was wrong

Did he try to see us?
yes, he got into a fight
with her boyfriend and that
was the last time he came
there to try

So then
he sent me birthday
and Christmas cards
every year
since then
sometimes he called
I hardly answered
I saw him only on some
holidays at church
as I got older
when my mother passed
he was at my sister’s house
on Thanksgiving and Christmas
to see us

He showed up at
the hospital when I had
my daughter though a few
months earlier I cussed him
out for making a comment
about me being big
— I was pregnant

Was he there when I was
growing up?
Yeah, here and there
when I was a kid
though half the time
he was gone gambling
when I was a teenager, no
I mean good luck for
anyone trying to get to me then

The last time I spoke to
him was the day after my birthday
he was excited to see
my daughter on Thanksgiving
which was cancelled by coronavirus
and cancelled farthermore
by the asshole that
ran him over and killed him
the night before

Sooo, all that gaps
in my life of him not being there
he made some kind of effort
though I hardly saw him
or knew anything about him
he took some interest what
was going on in my life
it’s unclear to me
if someone or something
prevented him from seeing us
besides his dislike of my
mother’s ‘boyfriend’
but you can’t blame him
he’s also told me to
talk to my father
some answers I’ll never get
what the hell happened?

So, now
I’m a parent and
realize time is a gift
if this was my last
moment on Earth
that’s who I’d want
to be with

My daughter,

I wish I could
take away the pain
you’ll feel someday
I’m not around
and your father
isn’t either
having lost
both parents is
a different feeling
than losing your mother
you were close too

You’re a parent
with no parents
unless you have kids
before I die
or one of us passes
when he/she is an infant
your child will grow up
not knowing us, only stories
it’s not the same
then you have to watch
other kids with grandparents
and think, hey that could
have been my daughter/son
with them
and live with that the rest
of your life

Unfortunately, that’s what
life is for many of us
parents are supposed to go
before you do
but you wish, the timing was
different
life doesn’t care if you’re
ready or not
that’s why they say live it
nothing is permanent but death

I wasn’t ready for you
after my mother passed
actually, I didn’t think
I’d ever be ready to be a mother
I didn’t want to get married
I didn’t want to settle down
but I did
then I got pregnant for you
and thought of getting an abortion
the second I heard your heartbeat
I knew
you were going to be my daughter
from there you will learn
to be graceful, strong, powerful,
smart like the women before you
and have things I didn’t
that’s what we want for our kids

June 4, 2017

The day my mother passed after fighting non-Hodgkins lymphoma for about two years. She was in remission but it came back. The car accident she was in the winter didn’t help, it made her weaker. I’m not here to give the full story, I probably did already. Im here to talk about how much has changed since.

Imagine if she was diagnosed with it during a pandemic, her chances to survive could have been less. Who cares. That’s all I’m saying about that.

I was going to get married. My mother knew in her heart she wouldn’t live longer than 3 months to be there. She didn’t even discuss it with me. I had a feeling she wouldn’t. I regretted showing her my dress and not putting it on for her. She was buried in the dress she was going to wear to my wedding. I had to live with that forever on top of some drama I called her about when she was in the hospital.

There I was again, refusing to commit and trying to have fun when hell was around me. I was about to get marry and I was having sex with some strange man I hardly know in the woods. It was supposed to distract me from sleeping with my ‘guy friend’ but it didn’t. Was I having fun? No. I was trying to distract myself from the truth. My mother is dying. I’m afraid to get married. Boo who.

Then it happened. Instead of me getting better, I got worse. I locked away all my emotions. I got married though I wasn’t feeling like it. Things got sour and I stumbled upon someone new. Not just new, he was going to be my future supervisor. I didn’t know it. I denied any attraction I had towards him until one day. We made out in an empty lot. It was intense and different from anything I’ve felt in a long time. We began hooking up. We accidentally said those three words.

He left. I realized he was right that I never dealt with my mother’s death. I stopped fucking around. I became a mother… now I understand.

I published a book

“Hippie Girl” is based on real events from my life. It’s fictionalized for legal and storytelling reasons.

‘Oh, you’re trying to cover you ass?’ Maybe. I mean, I still work at the place all the chaos and illegal shit went down. I recall asking a few people in the story of it was okay I’d use them such as my sister, husband, and mother. All the names have been changed too.

‘Why?’ To respect people’s privacy, legal reasons, and we don’t need the assholes to know I definitely wrote about them!

‘So then, what is it about?’ You have to read it to find out, haha. If you’ve been here awhile you have an idea. All my work together could create a version of this fucked up story.

But basically… this girl, Lila finds herself constantly in weird situations with guys. Her mother’s death definitely didn’t help any. It’s like she replaced one problem for another! Eventually, shit happens and she has to leave all of that behind.

‘Is Lila you?’ Yes and no. Yes, she goes through some shit I did. And no, that’s not my name and she’s a ‘fictional’ character.

‘What does your husband think?’ He wants to read it but I don’t think that’ll be a good idea. We talked about it’s context last night. He seemed to have forgot I had a threesome.

‘Why I didn’t publish it under my marital name?’ Well, for the fact I want to have my private life, private and I’m the only Sandra in this world I know of work that last name. I doubt I’ll ever be that big. But either way, I don’t want to be found! Whereas my maiden name, good luck! I also had this conversation with my mother before she passed and my husband before we married. My mother said, ’it’s your name, do what you want’.

‘What are you doing next?’ Honestly, I don’t know. If you want my honest opinion this story isn’t going to be successful. That’s okay, I knew that. It’s an odd story. Nobody knows who I am. It’s probably not that great. I didn’t even want to write it but it was a monkey on my back. Now the air is clear I can focus on things I actually want to write. It’s not about money. Nobody is paying me shit expect my employer!
 

My baby

is the one
and only person
in this world
I love
I live for
she reminds me
when she cries
when I leave
or wakes up
in the middle of
the night
and nothing calms
her down but me

She’s only four months old
she doesn’t understand
what’s going on
they say
that’s why nobody else
can handle her
when she has a fit?

I know nothing
about babies or children
I know my mother said
that was the reason
she held on so long
with her battle with cancer
til they day she left us

She said
”You’ll have a daughter
— like you,
you’ll be a good mother”
when she was sick
I didn’t believe her
I didn’t want to have kids
I had issues settling down
and jump from one person
and thing to another
How? Why?
It didn’t make sense
but neither did losing her

But then, maybe
I learned my capacity
maybe I evolved when
nothing else around me did

I’m still ‘cold’ and lack empathy
towards others and that’s okay
I only care about what’s in my life
it happens now to be her

Past two years

My mother got in a car accident. Her ribs were broken. Car destroyed. Her asshole boyfriend was okay. They stopped treating her cancer. She was too weak.

I got engaged outside a hockey arena. I moved in with my fiancé in his parents house. I hated it but it was closer to work. I showed my mother my dress. She never saw me walk down the aisle in it. She died a few months before my wedding.

I got married. I had an affair with my supervisor. I have yet to claim it was manipulated or abuse. All I know is, never again and he’s behind bars somewhere.

I was sued for the lack of paying up something over a decade ago when I was 18. And now I have to sue my employer.

I started a novel exposing the so-called truth and it turned into fiction. Have to end out names and things to not get sued. Have to exaggerate details to tell a story.

I got pregnant. I was going to get an abortion knowing my past and current financial situation. I saw her heartbeat and kept it. Sometimes I wish I got one.

I got a DNA test and so did 2 of my sisters. Come to find out, 1 of them doesn’t have the same father. We don’t know who it is. We knew my father cheated and took her money. We didn’t know she went out with men when he was away.

Does it matter? No. They broke up. She’s dead and carries that secret to her grave. Now I live with the question, what am I going to die with? Why does it seem like I’ve spent my life running and for what? I’m being lied to. It’s a game for everyone.

The tree

It’s not fall but the leaves are falling
off the tree in the middle of the field
it’s sunny but cold
it’s the end of June
I’m here
she’s not
she’s looking down upon me
asking me why I never listened
and if I gave up on my promise
I can’t answer her
her spirit is free
I lost mine to the devil