30 lessons in 30 years

1. 99% of the things I do is a waste of time.
2. You won’t make any money doing something you love or you’re good at, people that do are far and between.
3. My ability to give a fuck decreases with age.
4. Almost everyone will pronounce your name wrong even if it is simple, even if you correct them a million times — let them look stupid.
5. If you’re going to spend money on makeup, get something that makes a difference.
6. College was a waste of time and money.
7. I don’t care what people say, there is no cure for cancer. Cancer is a death sentence.
8. Differences in time zones.
9. You probably shouldn’t blow a stop sign in the neighborhood, there may be a cop around the corner.
10. If you know what you’re doing at any dance, kickboxing, or fitness class older women comment on how you should be an instructor.
11. I hate people and I still hate people. That’s why I have a job behind the scenes yet they still bother me.
12. Never wear blue lip gloss.
13. Temporary blue hair color is permanent. It doesn’t matter if it says it’ll washout in 5 days, it won’t! It’ll stay green for weeks…
14. Don’t spend money on nice sunglasses or boots, they’ll get destroyed.
15. Any idiot can bake, expect your husband. It’s called read instructions.
16. DNA is subjective.
17. You don’t know shit about being pregnant or having a newborn until you do.
18. Having a baby hasn’t changed the fact I still think and feel the same way about people and don’t want them around her.
19. The myth, ‘your hair will shed’ months after giving birth is true.
20. The bigger the tattoo, the more it itches.
21. Relationships and people are a dime a dozen.
22. Check reviews before you do anything from buying something to watching a movie.
23. The only thing you’ll ever truly be OCD about in life is laundry and coffee.
24. If you’re desperate for extra money, don’t work cleaning at a gym part time unless you’re confident you won’t get some weird disease.
25. Avoid anything that fells like a sweatshop.
26. Walk away from jobs and people you know isn’t working.
27. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been dancing since 4 or 20, a good dancer can learn anything.
28. Try to avoid construction zones.
29. Mother died with secrets.
30. You don’t know what love or sacrifice truly is until it slaps you in the face.

What happened to the ‘Agent of Douche’

Nothing happened. Last time I saw him he was outside in camouflage doing something. I don’t know what or with who. It looked like he was by himself. That was probably three or four years ago when I was in college. I had to drive by his house because there wasn’t a better route. He looked very much alone like I knew he was. He didn’t have kids. He drove whatever female he had in his life out. He didn’t talk to his parents or siblings in the time we were together. He was an asshole to me and had a small pencil dick. That’s all I remember besides the ATV, dirt bike, motorcycle, hot tub, bonfires, and drinking. We had some fun but it wasn’t enough. He said I was stupid and an idiot. He said he wanted a housewife and it wasn’t me. I had no interest in ever being a housewife.

I wanted to do something with my life and not wait for some asshole man that’s fucking around. He had numerous online dating profiles. Once I haven’t seen him in a week and he smelled of sex. It definitely wasn’t me. I wanted to love him. I wanted him to change. But he didn’t. I looked at it like hey, I’m single too. I can go talk to other people, he is — and I did. That’s how I met my future husband. I went back to college and graduated. The very last time our eyes ever met was on the lake when he was patrolling. He asked me what I was doing there and I said I lived over there and pointed to a building. I was going back to school but not because of him. I went for myself.

And now, I’m an hour away from all that chaos. He’s probably still alone. Though I had very little faith he’d get the stick out of his ass and stop hating everyone and everything.

When I was

1
My mother dressed me in pink because it made me happy.

2
I drank my father’s beer thinking it was Pepsi.

3
I pushed a boy off his bike because my oldest sister told me too.

4
A boy kissed me and I thought I was pregnant.

5
I fell asleep on the bus and missed my stop — on my birthday.

6
I told someone in class, “I make my barbies have sex” and she ratted on me — I still thought sex was kissing.

7
My best friend’s last name was Lemonhart.

8
I learned how to swim.

9
“Hey Arnold” came out, I liked Helga because she reminded me of me.

10
I danced “Opps I did it again” in a talent show.

11
I vandalized a park with toilet paper, broke a fountain, and had an angry mob chase after me and my friend.

12
Dealt with being the new kid in school and questioned why I pretended to like someone I didn’t like.

13
I had the first boy to cheat on me and the first boy I’d have to dump.

14
I ran track, I hate it, and everyone hated me; I was slow and they mocked me for being fat and ugly.

15
I thought I liked some asshole from middle school.

16
Became anorexic.

17
First real kiss but with someone I met online from Argentina.

18
Got drunk, danced around a fire, and attempted to go skinny dipping with my clothes on.

19
I had a purity ring, which I lost.

20
I had sex with a virgin in a hotel.

21
I slept with two guys named Chris.

22
The first date with my boyfriend, he told me loved me and I called him crazy.

23
I smashed my laptop writing an Archaeology paper and decided to major in Creative Writing instead of Anthropology.

24
Developed my ice coffee addiction, 3 a day and back seat of car full of cups.

25
My mother was diagnosed with cancer.

26
I got another pregnancy scare…

What you learn from your Birthday

1. Who your ‘friends’ are.

You been friends with this person for a couple years now. They don’t wish you, Happy Birthday. Instead, they text you details about their life.

 

2. You’re still really immature.

Same person you were a year ago, five years ago, ten years ago, twenty years ago… you never change, just get older. It fucking sucks!

 

3. Another year has passed.

Still not close to your goal/dreams. It’s a ‘slow’ process you must keep going through. It fucking sucks!

 

4. You have ‘friends’ you’re not aware of.

Those people from high school/college you hardly, if ever talked to wishes you, Happy Birthday on Facebook.

 

5. Who really cares vs. Who is phony.

Some people you have dinner/celebrate with… other people send you a text, call you, or send you cheap gifts — so they don’t feel guilty about missing your birthday or play the ‘I did something so you have too’ card.